Thank you. You give hope to adoptive parents who've been terrified into fearing that their kids are doomed to end up resentful, angry and screwed up because they're adopted. It's so refreshing to hear that those that do may actually have other issues ... not a take often heard, so very much appreciated.

I just enjoy your blog so darn much! You are a breath of fresh air.

I started to reply this morning, but the little guy woke up! Thanks so much for your perspective. I read many of the blogs to try and understand how life will be for my son as he grows older. Truthfully, in real life (not forum time), I have met many happy, well-adjusted adoptees. I am respectful of the fact that I cannot completely understand the adoptee perspective, however, I have noticed the commonalities you have mentioned.

What I think bothers me the most is not that many of these issues are attributed to being adopted, but that the rationale is that these issues would not exist or would be minimal if they had just been raised in the biological family.

Maybe/maybe not, but having spent years of therapy with many other misereable, lonely, disaffected "biological" children who have "divorced" their parents, it is MHO being with your biological family is no guarantee of lifelong happiness.

The other issue I find disturbing is the "reunion" scenario whereby the birthfamily is seen as the savior. This may be true in some cases (and again, I am not berating or dismissing anyone else's truth), but it is like the husband who leaves his wife for the mistress. Of course the bio family seems better initially - you didn't have to fight with them through adolescence. Dear God! It took my mom and I until I was in my 40's to actually start having an adult relationship - and even that is iffy sometimes.

I hope and pray that my son does not go out into the world wishing he had never been adopted. I want only for him to feel as loved and cherished as he truly is! He is such a beautiful, smart, amazing creature and like most (not all parents) I wish him fulfillment and inner peace.

Thanks again for giving me some hope for his life.

Romee

Thanks to both of you... and yes, I've got enough issues for any adoptee that would like to fixate on something but find it too scary to focus on their own issues... mine are for sale! Good price!

Ahhh, Taking responsibility for your own happiness. I love it, makes sense to me.
Thanks Jupe!

Romee, Thank you so much for sharing your hopes and fears... With regard to the search/reuinion, I think the wisdom you need is in your own words, "Of course the bio family seems better initially - you didn't have to fight with them through adolescence." Just because an adoptee reuintes with their birth parents doesn't necessarily mean they will think the birth parents are "better" even if they are thrilled with the people they find...

From those I know (both birth parents and adoptees) who have experienced a reunion, the initial thrill and gloss wears off, just as it does in any relationship, and birth parents eventually become friends (if all goes well) or at the very least a mystery solved. You don't need to be threatened, though I know that is easier said than done.

Also, don't let what you read on the net make you think that the majority of adoptees are unhappy... on the contrary, it is the minority that are miserable, angry and/or resentful about being adopted... but the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Most happy adoptees aren't the ones trawling the net searching for forums to express their angst.

There are heaps and piles of us out there, though...

Be the best mom you can be... your son will love you back and probably be a "happy adoptee."

Good Luck and have fun!

Thanks, Peanut...

Jupe-
I know several adult adoptees (including my husband) who don't have issues about being adopted. And they did not all come from perfect families, especially my husband. But similar to what you describe, I think that they look at their problems as a family issue and not an adoption one. They have good feelings about their birthmoms - some are in reunion too.

I can see how some adoptees may have issues with adoption. When I have posted in the past about my experience with adult adoptees, it has been insinuated that there may be denial. That grates on me - I am open-minded about other's feelings, but there is no way that some could actually be OK about adoption (said with sarcasm...).

Thanks for your interesting perspective.

As an adult adoptee that does not have a problem with being adopted, I agree with much of what you said. Everything is so individual.

Hello Heather...

Thank you so much for your comment. It brings up an issues I have been meaning to address. You inspired my blogs today, so thank you once again!

Thanks for your comment, Mo. Am glad that more "happy adoptees" are coming out of the closet... ha ha...

Everyone hates being accused of being in denial - and no one will admit to being there - but that is what denial is all about. I do not think all adoptees are affected the same. For some, adoption is barely a blip on their radar, some are in denial, and some are mightily affected.

Some birth mothers are in denial, and some adoptive parents probably are too. Denial is not a dirty word - it is a reality - a protective mechanism. You can be in denial and not be a dysfunctional mess.

Hi Jan,

Thanks, as always for your comment.

I completely agree with you when you say, "I do not think all adoptees are affected the same," however, I am not sure the blip/denial/affected break-down are the only options. But point made: we are all individuals.

I must admit, though, that I find the whole, "Everyone hates being accused of being in denial - and no one will admit to being there - but that is what denial is all about" thing just a bit too convenient: there is no room in it for anyone not to be in denial.

That would be like me saying to anyone that is not well-adjusted with having been adopted, "You are really happy, you are just in denial about it." And then, every time they try to explain why they are not happy, I condescend to say, "See, you are in denial. You can't admit that it is no big deal that you were adopted."

Either way, it's too pat, not productive in getting to someone's real feelings, and a bit like someone diagnosing appendicitis although they are not a doctor.

"Denial" is a psychological term and one that is not taken lightly (although it also has its T-shirt/bumper sticker epitaph version in our culture.) Perhaps it is a term that should not be dished out lightly as well.

I think maybe I just do not understand what you mean.

What exactly do you believe, for example, many happy/well-adjusted adoptees are in denial about? Birth mothers? Adoptive mothers?

What are the symptoms, the indicators, that have convinced you some adoptees you have encountered have been in denial?

You mention it is a protective mechanism. From what, do you believe, are adoptees in denial protecting themselves?

I also agree with you when you say that one can be in denial and not be a dysfunctional mess. Thinking about this, one might actually be more functional in denial than when one embraces their issues, but then refuses to let them go.

Again, I look forward to your response...

MERRY CHRISTMAS... HAVE A BRILLIANT HOLIDAY!