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While I have heard people respond to adoption with the statement, “With adoption you do not know what you will get.”. Sorry, I do not know a lot of things in life that we get lifetime guarantees with. Pregnancies with your own biological baby are for from any guarantee. Isn’t this the reason for a host of test that are done on the expected mother and baby?
In parenting of any kind there is not one guarantee. While some people believe that children born from their own genetic make-up you know what you will get. The truth is that a biological child can be born with problems, or face life challenges whether it is your first or sixth child it does not matter.
This statement offends me personally on two levels: First as an adoptee it is annoying and at times hurtful to hear that I (as being adopted) was viewed as an gamble, all or nothing for my parents (adoptive). Second as an adoptive mom this is insulting to my children and choice in parenting. I did not go shopping for children to parent I was blessed when they came into my life through adoption just as I was blessed to give birth to my daughter. My children (biological and adopted, both) are for me to love and teach not for what I get from them.
My biological daughter was born very premature (3 months) and had the possibility of having a large number of issues, some major ones. I had to face not knowing my unborn daughter’s fate early on, when my husband had some genetic conditions in his family (which I did not know about) and was sent to a genetics doctor for counseling for my pregnancy. I did not have a clue about what this genetics appointnment was about. The doctor told me he would do testing (putting my baby at risk) which might tell him if my baby would be born with major life threatening conditions or without any problems. Then I could make my choice to continue with my pregnancy or terminate. To me it was not a choice she was already my baby with or without life threatening conditions. She was born premature not due to the genetic concerns and the issues she has are related to her being born early (not from genetics concerns).
My adopted children also have their own issues and things they struggle with each one different from the others. With all my children, I got just what I wanted beautiful children to love and mother.
The way I handle this remark is by replying with, “I did not realize biological children came with a guarantee or that they are perfect?” This tends to make people stop and think about how that statement sounds. Usually they follow with an apology.
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More reading:
Differences as Adoptee and Adoptive Mom with Conversations
Differences as Adoptee and Adoptive Mom with Conversations…More
I really like the way you put this, and appreciate hearing your thoughts as always.
In parenting your bio child, there is some real possiblity that you and the child will like many of the same things, beside looks.
My birthson and I are more alike then he and his afamily. It was a closed adoption for the “baby is a blank slate” era. Even I didn’t expect him to be anything like me.
That of course doesn’t mean he doesn’t do or act in ways like his aparents. Nuture is important and we all get some of who we are from that.
But his food likes, his personality, the way he walks and talks. Those things are like his birth family. Things he got from the DNA of his bmom and bdad.
So yes there are guarantees when raising a child you gave birth too.
Saying there isn’t, “seems” like just another way of saying who gave birth doesn’t count. A way to cut the birth family out even more.
I would never, ever, say that loving and raising a child doesn’t leave a last imprint on the child. I would never say that wasn’t very important.
this is just my opinion of course.
Oh sorry, forgot to add
that I agree with this statement.
ok, so I agree with a lot of what you said.
sigh
I agree with you, Abby. This blanket statement is rather unfair.
It should be:
“With parenting, you do not know what you will get.”
Parenting is parenting and we all get plenty of surprises and face a steep learning curve whether we conceived and carried the child ourselves or adopted it.
Lisa, I’d even take it one step further:
“With life, you do not know what you will get.”
While there is truth to the statement(s) about adoption and even about parenting biological children, the fact remains that even if we have the best laid plans and are uber-prepared for every possible outcome we can think of, something ELSE will happen.