While I have heard people respond to adoption with the statement, “With adoption you do not know what you will get.”. Sorry, I do not know a lot of things in life that we get lifetime guarantees with. Pregnancies with your own biological baby are for from any guarantee. Isn’t this the reason for a host of test that are done on the expected mother and baby?

In parenting of any kind there is not one guarantee. While some people believe that children born from their own genetic make-up you know what you will get. The truth is that a biological child can be born with problems, or face life challenges whether it is your first or sixth child it does not matter.

This statement offends me personally on two levels: First as an adoptee it is annoying and at times hurtful to hear that I (as being adopted) was viewed as an gamble, all or nothing for my parents (adoptive). Second as an adoptive mom this is insulting to my children and choice in parenting. I did not go shopping for children to parent I was blessed when they came into my life through adoption just as I was blessed to give birth to my daughter. My children (biological and adopted, both) are for me to love and teach not for what I get from them.

My biological daughter was born very premature (3 months) and had the possibility of having a large number of issues, some major ones. I had to face not knowing my unborn daughter’s fate early on, when my husband had some genetic conditions in his family (which I did not know about) and was sent to a genetics doctor for counseling for my pregnancy. I did not have a clue about what this genetics appointnment was about. The doctor told me he would do testing (putting my baby at risk) which might tell him if my baby would be born with major life threatening conditions or without any problems. Then I could make my choice to continue with my pregnancy or terminate. To me it was not a choice she was already my baby with or without life threatening conditions. She was born premature not due to the genetic concerns and the issues she has are related to her being born early (not from genetics concerns).

My adopted children also have their own issues and things they struggle with each one different from the others. With all my children, I got just what I wanted beautiful children to love and mother.

The way I handle this remark is by replying with, “I did not realize biological children came with a guarantee or that they are perfect?” This tends to make people stop and think about how that statement sounds. Usually they follow with an apology.

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