Adult Adoptee Blog, Adopted Adult Blog - Why do Some Adoptees Not Want Contact?

08/12/07

Why do Some Adoptees Not Want Contact?

Posted by : Abby in Adoptee Blog at 11:08 pm , 363 words, 184 views
Categories: Search & Reunion, Thoughts, Questions & Answers

Some adoptees do not feel the need to reconnect, search or develop a relationship with their birth parents. Granted there are more adoptees that do want contact with their birth parents but there are a few that do not have this desire for whatever reason. Yes, this can seem very strange to different members of the adoption triad.

Adoptees that are content with their lives and do not have the desire for contact with their birth parents should not be made to feel pushed aside. It is very easy to portray to these adoptees that there is a problem with them or that some way they are less than since they do not fit into a box of the typical adoptee.

Some adoptees are content when they find their birth mother that they may not continue or go forward with contact with their birth father. My sister (half-birth-adopted together) had the desire to make contact with her birth father. While they do not have an ongoing relationship she did meet him and feels better about the situation.

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I do not have the desire to have contact with my birth father. When I am asked why I do not have the desire to know my birth father it is a very difficult question to answer. When I talk with other adoptees that do not the desire for contact with their birth parents they also found it hard to make others understand their reasons. When some adoptees are content with their lives, relationships they have, adoption, the past, etc. they may not have the need for contact. Other than that there is no easy way to explain not wanting or having the desire for contact.

Some people believe that it is possible that the adoptees have not dealt with being adopted, that there are underlying issues. They are running away from the past, etc. which in most cases is farthest thing from the truth. Just because some adoptees do not make the choices that others make or what is felt is the right thing does not mean there is anything wrong them or their choices.

More reading:

The Faces of Adoptees

Adoption, Adoptees and Reality

5 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

As an adoptive parent, it is reassurring to know there are adoptees who feel they have a full life. We do the best we can to support our adopted child, and will be supportive of his wishes as an adult. It's nice to know it can go both ways tho. Thanks for sharing your point of view.

Permalink 08/13/07 @ 10:12

Comment from: SnazzlePup [Member]

I suspect in many cases the reactions content adoptees receive from others are a result of two parts Misery Loves Company, one part Everyone Must Think Like Me and a dash of I Hate And Fear That Which I Do Not Understand.

Permalink 08/13/07 @ 17:35

Comment from: mdiebel [Member]

As an adoptee who did not begin to search anything out until I was 48... I can say that the reasons I didn't search were fairly simple: I was taught that it was a closed adoption and therefore the records are sealed. I learned to live with it. I also rationalized things. Who knows what I will find? Will I feel obligations? What if a natural parent is ill or poor?

What led me to search was the simplest thing... were any of the stories that I was told about my origins true? I was asked for the umpteenth time whether I was from Hawaii by a priest at a wedding. On the way home I said to my wife, "supposedly, but I don't really know."

There was a grain of doubt in what my adoptive parents told me. In general they were pretty honest with me... but when it came to talking about adoption history they did seem to have a few hesitations. What were these about? That tiny doubt was what prompted me to look further.

And I'm glad I did. It does make a difference to have first hand information. My wife also wondered all the while why I didn't search it out. She thought it just made sense to want to know your history.

Dear Sunbonnet... I've had a very full life... but searching out one's history can only make a full life fuller.

Snazzlepup... I managed to live 48 years without a single adoptee haranguing me for not searching.

Permalink 08/14/07 @ 07:47

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

mdiebel: Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts. As a parent, it can feel as if we're stumbling along, not really knowing how to navigate the world of adoption sometimes. It would be difficult to define what type of adoption we have. Certainly not open. But not closed either. Our son was adopted at age 4 years. He has knowledge of his family of origin. We have pictures, original birth certificates, complete family tree information. We do not have contact, as that was deemed not appropriate. But he does have a lot of first hand info. As his adoptive parents, we are left to help him navigate the remainder of his childhood with the information we have, and to digest it at age appropriate intervals. We surely hope it is enough to get him happily through to adulthood. You're correct, knowing your history makes life fuller, and more rich. It seems odd to me this information was ever locked away from children.

Permalink 08/14/07 @ 13:59

Comment from: Shell [Member]

I think what needs to be added to this post is that adoptees can change their minds about searching a million times throughout their lives. It's about fear, and ingrained, irrational sense of loyalty toward a-parents....lack of interest, who knows, but there's no one reason why adoptees don't search - it's definitely not only about being "content" with one's life.

Remember, there are laws preventing human beings from knowing their parents and identity - how does a person simply accept this as normal? For some people it's easier to ignore it.

At age 20 I would have said no, thanks, I don't need to know my mother (I was protecting myself from a huge fear of rejection). At 26, I was desperate to know her. At 34, when I started the official search I was only interested in finding my siblings....but deep down I ALWAYS wanted to find my mother and father.

There was a story a couple of years ago about a man who had had a heart attack (he was 80ish).... his last wish was to know his original name at birth and who his family was. Tragic.

Permalink 08/15/07 @ 05:33

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