e-mail
Boundaries in adoption can sometimes be very hazy. What part of the adoption information and details belongs to whom? It is common for adoptees to go through times that they do not want to share their adoption journey and some adoptees do not feel comfortable sharing it at all.
I remember when I was in my late teens (18 or 19ish) we were at church function, a person that was visiting came up out the clear blue sky and asked about me being adopted. I was surprised to say the least and quickly learned that my mother had told her. I was thrown for a loop for a couple of reasons. One reason was that I was not expecting someone that I did not really know to talk with me about something that was so personal without me initiating the conversation. The major reason was that this was a time in my life that I was trying to understand how being adopted impacted me along with all the other stuff at that age. I quickly told my mom that this bothered me greatly and please do not share something so personal with others without my permission or knowledge. She did not really understand my reasoning and thought that I was too private but she did respect my wishes.
I do not think most people understand that for some adoptees that their adoption journey and information is a very personal thing. It is weird and can make you feel like you are exposed when others know personal adoption stuff about you. It can also give people the illusion that they have the right to ask you personal questions and you may have just met them five minutes ago. Then the questions start coming: What is it like to be adopted? Where are your real parents? What was wrong with you? What do you call your adoptive parents? Wasn’t it strange to be raised by people that were not your parents? Why did they give you away? What are your real parents like? Etc.
For whatever reason when people know something personal about you it can give them the impression that they can ask you deeply personal and rude questions. This can make an adoptee feel every violated.
Continued………
Faith in Hoping to Adopt has provided some great information and insight on an adoptee’s privacy issues.
In the beginning the adoption all of it belong to the parents.
They may have been sharing their journey to concieve or adopt a child with friends and family for years. They continue to share up to a point, depending on how they feel about it all the while you are growing up.
It isn’t until the adoptee really starts to understand they are the center of the story that mom and dad may notice that the child is no long ignoring the converstation. And may be uncomfortable about it.
But still there may be 100’s of people by that time who know a lot or a little about the adoption and child.
Then you have people who do what happened to you. Just launch into a converstation about it all.
When, even then they should only talk to your mom, unless you start the conversation.
Parents who may still be unconsciously still promoting adoption will use their own life as an example. Others want to let it go as how life started, but not have to bring it up everyday.
good luck.. I have run out of thoughts for tonight
please forgive the spelling errors,
I am very tired this evening.
Hello,
Yes, I have had that happen more times than I can count even before I was reunited with my “birth” family. I never did like it when people would say, “where are your REAL parents?”. The two people who raised me ARE my parents. Those who are not involved with adoption in any way just don’t seem to understand that. I can’t stand it when people call my parents “your adoptive parents” as if they aren’t my real parents. Sigh…the jargon gets so confusing and someone is always offended…no matter how hard you try it seems…
Enough said for now I suppose.
Our family has never been one to talk about my sister and I being adopted, so it really surprised me when I learn this last year that most of our family members and family friends know.
I don’t hide the fact that I am adopted. Some kids at school once found out and when they asked me if it was true I proudly said yes. Why wouldn’t I be happy for having the family I have now.
I have taken it further and started searching for my birth family but I know that won’t change my relationship with my parents. I told my friends who I trust with my own life. They are all very supportive and feel that I can tell who ever I want or I don’t have to tell anyone at all.
I wish that adoptions included some info at least related to health issues, I have children who have half a history. Mine was private adoption, I have a lot oif info but birth family has not been located despite over 20 years of searching. i was born in small town of Lockport Ny on May 13, 1957 to Sylvia M Strickland, single Mom in early 30’s. Have older sister, apx 10 – 14 yrs older Marjory (sp?) she was sdupposidly placed in a girls home after my birth in the hudson river. Karen was born in Aprikl 1956, my adoptive parents almost adopted her but birth mother backed out. She arranged adoption yet named me. She was a waitreess at a small resteraunt chet’s dog house (still in business) by 1958 we know she was gone, heard out west, arizona. Marjory contacted birth family, her letter was lost but she asked for and was sent a picture of me. I have a lot of info yet still can not locate them. any suggestioins would be appreciated, I am registered on every free site and several paid ones to no avail. thanks