Understanding why things happen in this life is not always easy. I shared my experience of visiting my brother’s grave but was unable to go into great detail because it was so emotional at that point. My oldest daughter went with me but sat in the car while I took this part of my adoption journey alone. It is something that I had to face alone not knowing how I would feel or react facing the reality of life or the end of it.

After some personal time I did ask my daughter if she would like to see my brother’s grave. She asked if he would have been her uncle. And I said yes but somewhat different since we were not raised together. I showed her his picture on his gravestone and we cried together.

We sat on the ground and I shared with her that may greatest desire as a child was having a brother. We talked about how short life really is. I told her that she was given a great gift in this life of having two little sisters and a little brother that God has brought into our lives through adoption. Even when they drive her crazy by getting into her things that she needs to remember that we have no promises they will be there tomorrow. To have them in her life was a true blessing.

Thoughts of my brother still run through my mind wondering how things could have been different. If he was given the chance of life through adoption would he still be alive today? This one question I think of quite often. Maybe it is because I got out of the life by being adopted that cost him his life. I guess it’s something like survivors’ guilt. While I know everything in this life happens for a reason I wonder why. I think that what I have truly learned from his death is that life is precious and cherish every moment with my children even when my teenager is rolling her eyes at me. She is here for me to experience the eye rolling and all of the teen stuff for which I am grateful to have this experience.

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We are who we are because……