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I have not had much experience or knowledge of open adoption before I had started writing here. In my mind open adoption was when adoptive parents and birth families had full contact. In time I have learned that there are drastic degrees of openness. Knowing any information and keeping a connection for the adoptee through open adoption can be a benefit to adoptee. This I totally understand and can see the need for the openness.
There will come a time when the adoptee starts to ask questions about the reason for his adoption and other details. When a birth mother feels like she was coerced, forced, tricked, lied to, or any other way to place their child up for adoption, how does this not become an issue? I have read birth mother that have talked about being friends with their child’s adoptive parents but that she feels described as above. I always find myself wondering how can someone be a friend when you feel that they have something so precious as a child that you feel that was unjustly taken from you.
When people speak of talking to adoptees about being adopted, the reasons and the truth are the basis of things, this I do get. Then the question becomes at what cost to whom?
Where is the adoptee in all of this, when the adoptive parents feel that the reason they are parenting is because of a choice by the birth mother and the birth mother feels as above? Two different sides with totally different views of the reason the adoptee is being parented by his adoptive parents. The adoptee is standing in between different views of his existence and childhood. Can he remain neutral, loving both sides without the feeling of betraying one side? Can hearing words like coerced, forced, tricked, lied to linked to his adoption only lead to troubled waters in an open adoption? Can relationships continue to be healthy for the adoptee when strong feelings as these are felt?
I am writing about this and asking these questions because I feel that it is some that needs to be thought about for adoptees in open adoptions. I do not beginning to have these answers only the questions since I am not involved with open adoption. The only way to understand things is to ask questions so that you can have a better understanding of all aspects of open adoption.
Please share you thoughts, feelings, and understand of the situation below. I ask that if you do leave a comment please do not be rude, hateful or condescending but rather helpful, educational, and understanding.
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I don’t believe in closed records, period. Nor, do I believe in closed adoptions.
I am a birthmother who was absolutely forced by my parents (who were aided by the doctor and agency…I was 16) to relinquish and was reunited after 20 1/2 years. I am going to respond to your post from my own personal experience (which I realize doesn’t constitute a scientific study).
My situation has been extremely difficult. My bson’s (P) aparents (G & L) were not aware that I was coerced into the adoption; they didn’t find out until after the reunion (which they supported). It threatened G (the a mom). Let me also add that G and L had four bio children after receiving P (thought they were infertile….Surprise!!)
On my side, my pain, which hadn’t left me for all those years, led me to make ill-thought out decisions. For example, when P pushed to meet and be part of my immediate family (which included a shaky marriage and three parented children), I gave in. For a variety of reasons that it might be helpful for me to explain later, it was a disaster.
Did I mention that P was married at reunion ? His obsession with me and the immediate family led him straight to the divorce court. After his divorce P lived in our house. More disaster.
I had problems (for years) not understanding that reunion didn’t mean that I had my baby back. My husband and I had house rules and P felt that he was an adult, he hadn’t grown up with us telling him what to do and wasn’t going to oblige, even though he was living with us. The rules he refused to follow involved our three parented children, particularly the oldest girl. She was nine years younger. When she started high school, he was in his mid twenties but wanted to hang out with her friends and participate in the school musical. He felt it was just fine to keep my daughter, N, and her friends out past their curfews, etc.
G and L and I could not ever be friends. Oh, we tried at first. However, G and her 4 bio kids were too nervous about me (Note: I don’t blame her). On my side, I was, on the one hand, grateful that they had been loving and that they had kept P safe. On the other hand, they presented themselves to a Catholic agency as educated Catholics who agreed to raise him Catholic and provide him with an education. This is why they were granted the placement. When P was 7, they joined a cult (JW), which does not support education. He spends eight hours a day going door to door, to bus stations, laundromats, etc. proselytizing. He disdains education. He is also spoiled, selfish, self-centered. He uses people horribly. He doesn’t respect others’ boundaries, e.g. he tried to convert my parented children to the cult. He would scream and yell at me for things like putting up a Christmas tree. It was awful.
No, there is no being friends with G and L (who are now divorced, BTW). My resentment level is quite high. They didn’t do what they promised to do. I can see, too, that despite what the agency, etc. said about how much better off he would be with two parents, etc.; the fact is, he is not better off than he would have been with me. My parented kids are educated, considerate, generous, successful people.
I guess my point in all of this is to say that open adoption would have worked better for us, given the coercion, if we had had it all along (However, I would still have felt extremely betrayed by the cult thing).
I don’t know what the answer is for people like us.
I can only speak as someone who was in a closed adoption. I grew up knowing I was adopted, had a mild curiosity about my birthparents, but was utterly satisfied with my adoptive parents. I had some basic information about hair color, eye color, number of siblings my parents had, interests, things like that, but nothing that would allow me to find them – which I was fine with. When I grew older, I decided that while I wasn’t interested in locating my birthparents, I was willing to let them find me. Thanks to adoptionregistry.com, my half-sister was able to find me, and everyone is getting along fine.
However, while growing up adopted was in no way traumatic, it also wasn’t a constant part of my life. There weren’t any ongoing reminders of it, so I was able to enjoy having a “normal” life.
As the OP mentioned, I suppose “open” can mean a lot of thigns. I suppose that if there was some document somewhere that I couldn’t access until I was 21 that contained the identification of my birthmother and birth father, that would have been nice to have, so that I could make contact when the time came. Also, I think all adoptees should be provided with both the ethnic history and more importantly the family medical history of their birthparents, whenever possible. I needed to know that there was a history of heart disease on my father’s side.
At the other end of the spectrum would be where the birth parent(s) are an ongoing part of the person’s life. For me, I am glad that wasn’t the case, because I would not have welcomed the “oddness” of that. I was able to enjoy the fact that I was adopted for what it needed to be – a conversation item, but not much else.
comment from arteeee—-I have been thru this serching for many years, and gave up because of locked doors at each step of the way,I think that with all the renewed interest there is maybe a chance to find my bio siblings,I am quite confident that my birth mother and father are passed on.I sure hope that things will turn out AOK for you—arteeee