I sometimes feel the way that John Raible described in his recent blog post.
At every turn, I’ve watched a non-stop backlash as adult adoptees offer up their perspectives, only to be patronized, talked about, criticized, researched, publicly psychoanalyzed, infantilized, trivialized, and dismissed.
I want so much to share my experiences with adoptive parents in order to help them be better parents to their adopted children. However, it is difficult to share my experiences and open myself up to harsh reactions. It is tiresome to have to justify my right to my opinions. It is tiresome to have to say “yes, I love my parents” or “yes, I am a productive, well-adjusted, stable individual” before my voice will be heard. Many adoptive parents say they want to hear what adult adoptees have to say but I often find that not to be true. I often feel that I “over share.” I sometimes say things that make adoptive parents uncomfortable. I say things they don’t want to hear.
I also struggle with not saying enough. I find that as I write this blog I want to be more assertive, more direct, and yet I worry about coming across too angry, too confrontational. I’m not sure I’ll ever find a happy medium. I often feel my decision to talk about the mistakes my parents made is seen as sour grapes or the comments of an ungrateful child. They are not. I stress over and over that I am very close with my parents. We have a wonderful relationship. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t fundamental parts of my childhood that I believe could have been better. My parents could have handled my adoption issues, specifically my transracial adoption issues, much better. Has it been easy for my parents to hear or read my criticisms? Of course not. But they also fully support me in knowing myself and growing to be a better person. And when it comes to examining issues of adoptive parenting they fully support facing the tough issues and rehashing some of their parental decisions. If it helps today’s parents be better prepared or more aware of the nuances of parenting an adopted child they are willing to put their “dirty laundry” out there.
My mom has told me many times over the years that they “did the best they could.” I believe that is mostly true. My parents didn’t have the luxury of discussion lists on the internet, support groups, culture camps or countless books on (transracial) adoption issues. They didn’t participate in or read empirical research studies or watch documentaries on adoption….because they didn’t exist at that time. They DO exist now. Adoptive parents can no longer use the excuses “we didn’t know” or “no one told us.” All the information is out there and available. But it takes parents who are open and willing to confront the hard issues to effectively parent their adopted child.
Are you dismissing the wisdom of adoptees that have walked this complicated path before because it makes you uncomfortable? Are you confronting the true needs of your adopted child and providing them the most informed parenting possible? I truly hope so.
I understand all too well that feeling of being dismissed, judged and trivialized, etc. like little children for trying to share, hopefully helpful insights with other peoples adopted parents. (I’m 48 with grown children of my own, I’m hardly clueless about kids or parenting)
It’s usually things they don’t want to hear or believe. I don’t air my dirty laundry for the fun of it, or for attention, but in an attempt to help other adoptees.
I find it very very similar to discussions with some of the mother’s of the girls that are in my daughters college sorority dorm. (And some of the mothers of the guys in the dorm next door.)
They don’t want to believe that their beautiful, smart sons and daughters are partying hard and having plenty of sex. Let alone shacking up with each other, unknown to mom and dad. Why they can’t fathom it? I don’t know.
They want to believe that their daughters are different (adopted or not) and were raised better than those ‘type‘ of girls (which to them usually means loved more)
They are all great girls, good girls. I feel sorry for them that they simply cannot or even refuse to talk to their parents about these severely important, but uncomfortable life matters and choices. My door is open to them, and they knock frequently with birth control and dating/sex questions, as well as adoption issues and questions from two of them that feel free to share with me.
I would love to help their mothers understand more, but they just don’t want to hear it, believe it.
I would love to call them and let them know about some of their daughter’s possibly deadly binge drinking, dope smoking, prescription drug abuses and abortions, not to mention current adoption searches that I beleive they should be aware of. Not to judge them, but to help them get closer to their grown children, to know them like they obviously do not know them.
Conversation with these mom’s rarely goes over well. It’s really none of my business. It’s all part of growing up, learning to make choices, it’s sad that the majority are left alone in this. So I keep quiet as requested by the young ladies and men, and let the naive moms go on dreaming.
It’s mom’s job to make their kids feel comfortable in confiding important personal issues with them. One of Mom’s #1 jobs if you ask me.
More often than not, I’ve found being a mother can be most uncomfortable!!
i have to say very interesting to me your thoughts on making kids comfortable, im also a 48 yr old adoptee i feel i have lived so much of my life making sure everyone around me is comfortable just like you have done its like my job! i have great adoptive parents but there is something about when baby is taken away from the comfort zone of the birth moms tummy you losse your comfort zone, so im always trying to give back what i didnt have i know sounds crazy maybe im not the only one!
Stephanie – I really appreciate your perspective and how you openly share about the adoptee’s point of view. It grieves my heart that adult adoptees struggle with being able to openly share their unique point of view, for fear of hurting others. I found this website and your blog by researching the adult adoptee’s point of view. I am in the unique position of having placed my embryos for adoption with another precious couple. Although no children have resulted in our adoption as of yet, should any be born, my heart is to do all I can as a Genetic Parent to ensure that we’ve been open and honest about the process and that we’ve thoroughly considered their feelings and the feelings of our children. I don’t know exactly how these children will feel knowing we placed them for adoption as embryos, but if there’s something I can do now to lessen the blow, to be vulnerable to the process for the sake of their feelings and that of my childrens’; I will do it. I know it’s going to be hard enough to know that they were placed for adoption; I don’t ever want them to feel inadequate, unloved or that they were disposable. I want to make the most of a difficult decision, take responsibility for that difficult decision, and when/if they become adults, always make myself available to them, if that’s what they choose.
We have an open adoption scenario and our children will be 100% genetically related to their children. We’re not sure yet how to handle those relationships, as it’s not staring us in the face, but I am adamant to not lie to my children, because I don’t want them to feel cheated from having relationships with their biological siblings and if the Adopting Family chooses to not allow that, then at the very least, I want my children to know the truth. Our Adopting family is a little leary about the “sibling” thing and not on the same page with that perspective and agencies have encouraged us to raise the children to think they are special “cousins.” I don’t know, I guess that just leaves an icky taste in my mouth…special cousins. Every fiber of my being says “don’t lie about any part of the adoption – don’t cover anything up, thinking you’re protecting the children.” I myself have no expectations for what I want. I let that go long ago. I can honestly say that. Whatever our Adopting Family offers in terms of a relationship is fine with me. If it’s just pictures…that’s okay. I just want what’s best for the children involved. When they are adults, I pray that this decision doesn’t leave a wound that will forever be open, irritated, and detrimental to their emotional well-being. I love them with every fiber of my being, no differently than their siblings. If at all possible, I would love to be in contact with you, Stephanie, to gain more understanding of the Adoptee’s point of view. Please let me know. Sheila
Hi Stephanie,
I really admire you wanting to share your perspective on an adoptee’s point of view, as I am a seeking birthmother and hope that someday the two kids that were adopted out want a relationship with me. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to information.
Thank you for wanting to share your story. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of adopting from foster care. We appreciate the honesty and candor of adoptees willing to share their experiences to help us be more informed of our future child’s fears, feelings, and unique needs. We want to be as informed as possible and want to hear it from the experts, those who have been adopted. We’re reading books and doing our research, but you can never have too much info. We won’t be perfect, but hopefully we can pull from others’ experiences and avoid some of the major mistakes!
I know what you mean about adoptive parents not really wanting to hear what we say. They want to hear the part about how great adoption was for us – period. Maybe we did grow up in good families and don’t necessarily regret the way it turned out. That doesn’t mean that having our past hidden from us is a good thing or that we don’t yearn to complete our idenities by finding our birthfamilies.
When I meet adoptive parents (I am talking about a-parents who have young children now) I always tell them I’m adopted and if they want to know more about my experience with that I gladly tell them. But 100% of the time when I talk about reunion with my b-family and why it was critical to me to find them, I see that little fear in their eyes. And almost everyone of them will admit that although they would never prevent their children from searching – and may even help them do so – they “hope it won’t happen”. Even in our more enlightened times when we understand the importance of genetics, medical history and the emotional needs of most adoptees to know the truth about their past, they still hope it won’t happen to them. Clearly something is still missing in the mentality most people have about adoption. When a-parents today can admit, that in spite of all the adoptee movements for open records and the HUGE search industry, that they believe their child will be different and not need to search – well I guess it is a form of denial that every a-parent seems to have to some extent. Nothing will change for adoptees until that mindset changes for a-parents and the general public.
I’ve had the same experience with a-parents including my own, Lisalu. They don’t understand our need for both a- and b-parents. An interesting counterpoint is that my b-mother has a hard time believing I’m not angry at her for giving me up (sad on a deep level yes, but angry no). I’ve thought about it a lot and it seems that of the triad, I’m the only one not blinded by my own grief. My a-mom mourns the fact that she didn’t have the biological role and my b-mom morns the parenting role she gave up. I respect all of that. But it’s clear I’m the only one of the 3 of us who’s comfortable with the separation of those roles. I have a parent mother and a biological mother. They’re separate people with mutually exclusive roles in my life, so I have a hard time understanding how one threatens the other at all. Maybe I have that luxury because being connected to both of them means I can piece something together for myself that feels whole and I know neither of them can do that. It just saddens me that in my opinion both of them dishonor the role they have sole claim to by believing it’s not enough. Each has given me what only she could and it’s more than enough for me. I’ve told them “If it’s not enough for you, don’t expect me to agree with you. I decide what I value and why.” Sometimes what I’d like to say is “Step out of your own grief for a minute and you’ll see that it’s apples and oranges!”
I believe, like most touchy subjects that come up during child rearing, that most parents, adoptive or not, never want to think of ‘the bad’ or that if they just continually tell themselves that ‘I love my children more than the world and have given them everything they could possibly need or want that should be enough, or get us through anything.’ And in most cases it does. I grew up in happy denial with my loving, well educated, cultured and progressive thinking family (two natural brothers). We had a ‘normal’ all American upper middle-class life. I went through various normal stages of rebellion, did stupid things in my teens and twenties, lived an interesting and successful life in NYC until finding the man of my dreams and getting married and supplying my loving parents with 2 wonderful grand children. Without guilt or any other intention than just being a good kid, I would say I was the perfect adoptee. I attribute this well adjusted life to never defining myself as an adoptee. Regardless of being latino adopted into a blond blue eyed white family, I never thought of myself as anything other than their daughter and lived as such. I don’t even think I told my husband I was adopted until our 2nd date, it just didn’t really cross my mind much. I was and am, outside of one critical issue, a very happy person. SO, why do I feel the need to comment? Because all it took to unravel this wonderful well adjusted life was ignoring the core feelings I’d held for 39 years and finally agreed (I do take responsibility, I pulled the trigger so to speak) to begin the search for my birth mother. My loving progressive parents had told me all my life the second I was ready, they’d do whatever I needed to fulfill this, financially and emotionally. And starting about 2 years ago my mom brought it up more and more, telling me my birth mother isn’t getting any younger and i may be ‘running out of time.’ I was pressured, pressured by my mom and less so, my husband and I know they had the best intentions in their pressure, so I only ‘hated’ them for about and hour after I got ‘the news.’ But it was like a television mystery that they were actually a part of and I get that. Hmmmm…long story short, as my Social Worker who handled the ‘S&R’ told me, I quite possibly have experienced the worst outcome she’s handled in 25 years, complete with no direct contact, no reunion and threats of legal action against this poor ‘angel’ who’d helped me. And I will now finally get the to my point, my loving, doting, progressive ‘Mom’ couldn’t handle it. Still can’t, so we don’t talk about it. It’s been a little over a year since this happened, and my biggest regret and heartache is that the one person I need to talk to about this, my mom, can’t even look at me when I bring it up. Gets fidgety and changes the subject or leaves the room. They were/are perfect parents, seriously, but how can we teach adoptive parents that when something rocks your adult child’s psyche and faith, the worst thing they can say to them is ‘well, now you know, you need to move on and forget about her because you already have a loving family.’ The rage and anger I still feel for the situation is partially unresolved because of the lack of acknowledgment from my own parents. To be blunt, this f’s kids up and adoptee parents need to know how to wallow and be just as honest at how it also pisses them off while holding their kids hand. They are our relatives, they need to relate to us. Know one knows us better than them. Friends don’t know how to even process that kind of news, they don’t make ’sorry your birth mother sucks and rejected you’ cards. But adoptive parents also need to know that the sweet little baby who trusts them and is ‘adapting so well like she’s our own’, may take 40 years to really need them to drop the pollyanna b.s. and get involved in the (corny phrase) ‘healing process’ even if they’re gone and living with their own family. Because when things suck and you are hurting more than you ever have, doesn’t everyone really just want their mom? We need a new breed of adoptive parents. Sorry this is so long.
You are not alone. Please read Primal Wound so you can see that what you feel is so normal. I’m exhausted from spending a lifetime of waiting for my mother to want me. No one but another adopted adult can truly relate to how it feels to be abandonded by the person who is supposed to love you most. My heart goes out to you. I searched for years, found my birth mother and was rejected again. She “couldn’t deal with it”. Man, that hurts.
Thank You “wicked mom” for your post.
I too have had my birth mother search not end well, including her non-response building up to her actually hanging up on me (there was a space of one year between the first contact with a letter and the second contact with a phone call, because I was trying to give her time and space). My Mom said, “Well, she has sent you a clear message and it’s time for you to move on.” Wow, I wish it were that simple.
My heart goes out to you, because I can understand the pain you must feel every day. I too lived in denial and then blew everything up by beginning to search. Actually, for a closed adoption my finding her was so easy (shocking to most people including the two detectives I hired to validate my own research) that I still wonder why it was easy only to have it end so badly.
Anyway, please know that there is someone else out that here that “gets it” and is hurting too. I am hoping that one morning, when the clock says it’s 3 am and I am lying bed, I won’t have woken up from the sound of my own crying. I know that day will come and then I will truly be free. I wish that for you too.
The funny thing is, that there is a part of me that for some, unfathomable reason, will always love her.
Wickedmom, that’s three painful parental abandonments by my count. Your parents clearly don’t get it. I’m so very sorry.
Thank you so much for your post and I am truly sorry for the way things turned out with your b-mother. I am an adoptive mom who has been searching for information concerning how the children feel and haven’t found a lot. My daughter is 2 years old now and I’m hoping to be one of those “new breed” parents that you mentioned in your post. We do have an open adoption with both of her birth parents and have no problem with her developing whatever relationship she wants with them as she grows. I hope that she and I will have the type of relationship where she always feels she can come to me with questions and troubles. I am confident that she won’t confuse my role with her b-mom and you’re right: each of us has a particular relationship with her that neither overlaps nor competes. I just want to understand a little about how she might feel as she gets older so that I can help her get what she needs without crisis or drama.
I was adopted at 3 days into a not so perfect family but I figure my brother was born into it – so what’s the difference. I don’t know what my family did right but I don’t have some of the feelings adult adoptees have. I don’t feel abandoned by my birthmother and I don’t feel I was forced to replace a ‘ghost child’ by my adoptive parents. On a dare, when I was in my early 20s, I found my birth mother and we’ve known each other since – I am now almost 59.
I’ve noticed that my opinion of adoption has changed over the years. It has evolved from I didn’t give it much thought to the realization that basically adoption sucks. Most adoptees that tell you otherwise are young and haven’t had life experiences. Many are afraid to appear ungrateful so swear complete devotion to their adoptive family. They haven’t reconnected with their birth families so some are still daydreaming about how their lives will be better once that happens. Don’t get me wrong – I love my mothers but as I’ve grown older and my adoptive parents have died I realize that I no longer fit in either family. I can never really fit in a family I wasn’t born into. I will always be the ‘adoptive’ daughter to family acquaintances who say hurtful things – they always have a way to make me know where I don’t fit. I also can’t fit into the family I was born into because I don’t have the bonding experiences one develops when you grow up in a family. I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and it ain’t working.
Think twice before you adopt. From my reading, I’m seeing that my feelings are the norm rather than not. We need to revamp adoption. We are not accessories to be sold to the highest bidder. Lawyers and adoption agencies see us as income and are more interested in that than to make sure we go to good families who will now how to deal with us. We are not a gift from God anymore than any child. Think about it – a very sad thing happened to create us and make us be available for adoption. Do you think God would have caused one girl’s heart to be broken to make another happy? The thing I hate to hear the most is an adoptive parent say “We love all our children the same – we don’t even know which are adopted and which aren’t.” That is denying us our right of who we are. We know we’re adopted. Don’t play games to make you look good. My mother would have never said anything as stupid as that. I know she loved me as much as she did my brother – whom she gave birth to. She never tried to put herself up on a pedestal – adoption was just a fact. She was no heroine – she was just a mother who did the best she could to raise me because my “real” mother (her words, not mine) couldn’t.
I have only been on a short while but as an adoptee with four young children of my own I have realized that all children are the same. They all have behavior issues and I really think the labeling brings out the worst in adopted children. Some parents may already have a child and then adopt a child and when they don’t act like the other they think something is wrong. It was after my forth that I realized they were all different and I still think something is wrong with all of them ha ha. I think my mother saying she loved me as much as If I was her own or my grandparents saying they loved me just as much as the other grandkids was out of guilt that maybe they werent doing all they could. I felt like I was treated the same by some and others not. And I also have felt like I didn’t fit in to either families. Like I was an old lamp set out to the road and then someone came along and picked it up took it home and it never did look right in the living room but it was a light. I love my adopted parents and I always will but I know where I belong and it;s with the family I chose. My husband my children and those friends and family I choose to talk to. Family isn’t who gave birth to you or raised you it’s who you love and who loves you back.
Has anyone found any sucess in locating thier birth parents and if so could you please share.