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Deciding to search for your birth parents is a very personal decision. The decision has to be for you, and not for anyone else. I am addressing a comment below.
I HAVE WANTED AND CAME SO CLOSE TO TRY AND FIND MY BIRTH PARENTS EVERY TIME I GO TO TRY I CHICKEN OUT DONT KNOW IF ITS ME OR HURTING MY ADOPTED PARENTS WE NEVER TALK ABOUT OUT IT UNLESS SOMEONE ALL OF A SUDDEN BRINGS IT UP THERES TIMES THAT I JUST WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND CRY BUT I HAVE 3 CHILDREN THAT ARE THE WORLD TO ME THAT SOMEWHAT DO, BUT DONT UNDERSTAND. I LOOK AT THEM AND CANT UNDERSTAND EITHER. THERE MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU DO THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON THIS TALK THING THANX SHELL
You have to decide what it is that you hope will come out of a reunion with your birth parents. There is not a right or wrong reason for wanting to find your birth parents unless it is to cause them pain. Being honest with your self is important during your long bumpy adoption journey. This can help down the road so that everyone in the reunion knows what your expectations are.
While I do understand that you may fear that by searching for your birth parents, it may hurt your adoptive parents. I believe for the most part that we sell our adoptive parents short. When the truth is, that most adoptive parents would fully understand the need or desire for an adoptee to make contact with her birth family. Do not make the choice for your adoptive parents; allow them the chance to be there for you.
Adoptive parents can have their own fears about their child deciding to make contact with her birth parents. The greatest fear that an adoptive parent has is to see their child hurt during a reunion and being unable to stop the pain. The fear that some adoptive parents and really any member of the triad may at some point feel, is the fear they will no longer be needed. Fear is a natural emotion for everyone. It is up to us if we choose to let fear control our choices in life.
Sit down with your adoptive parents and tell them that you are thinking of searching for your birth family. Who knows, they may surprise you. They may also have information concerning your birth family that they have been waiting for you to ask about. The other choice you have is to start your searching giving your self time to adjust before talking with your parents. Remember in most searches it is a long process allowing you the time to go slow and address your feelings.
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GREAT advice, Abby!!
I agree that it is important to analyze your expectations before searching. Also, I agree with all that you said about adoptive parents. I, personally, want to be there for my son if/when he chooses to search. If things go well, I want to give his birth family a big hug and thank you. If things go poorly, I want to be there to comfort my son.
Take care,
- Faith
My adoptive family never held back that I was adopted. They also never held back that my natural mother was deceased. What I had to figure out was that by the time I was about 16, that they had told me atleast 3 different stories of how she died. Car crash, lpane crash etc. It wasnt till they were forced to tell me that my Biological mother had been murdered when I was one year old. I appreciate the fact that they tried to protect me, but I would have found out anyway. They lost me for other reasons totally unrelated to my adoption years later. But I think the fact that I am not there natural child made the thought of never picking up a phone again to call me, much easier. I honestly never felt like Ive really ever had a “real” family anyway.
I personally would say that you do need to do it for you.
My daughter keeps asking me why I do not search for my parents. One reason is I chose not to. The other they chose to give me for adoption and in tuen my parents chose me. They wanted me. I think maybe if I were to search maybe my biological mom had not mentioned me and I would ruin her life.