[Continued from HERE.]

Three days after I finished the temp gig with his company, Mr. H was scheduled to meet with his birth family in order to play the biggest game of ‘To Tell the Truth’ that has, perhaps, ever been played in any of their lives.

I am fairly certain I don’t need to delineate the emotional upheaval Mr. H. was experiencing when we met nor the implications of the choices made by all the major players in his story. One would have to be nearly comatose not to sense the tragic, perverse intensity of his life experience. I am also sure I don’t need to show how his three-legged adoption pot was unstable to the point of spilling its contents into the fire.

I never knew what to say to him. I couldn’t give him any answers or solutions. I couldn’t even give him suggestions as I fully believed he needed to find his bearings, his true bearings, for the first time in his life: something that only he could do in a way that only he could decide. I could, and did, reassure him that he wasn’t a horrible person, only a confused one. I could, and did, give him hugs and listen and look him right in the eye unflinchingly throughout our interactions. I wanted him not to feel shame in front of me, pity by me.

Why am I sharing this story with you? Because whether you are an adoptive parent, or an adoptee or a birth mother, this is more than a text book case of the worst possible adoption scenario. It is a story that illustrates the ‘biggies’ of what not to do:

* If you or your spouse are an addict (including alcohol) or have uncontrollable tempers or ever get violent either verbally or physically, DO NOT ADOPT A CHILD unless these behavior problems have been addressed. A child WON’T ‘fix’ anything … but you CAN ‘break’ a child who will one day be an adult.

* If you and your spouse are having serious marital problems, DO NOT ADOPT A CHILD until your marriage is back on an even keel (for the most part.) Again: a child WON’T ‘fix’ anything … but you CAN ‘break’ a child who will one day be an adult.

* If you do adopt, BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILD as soon as you are comfortable and/or your child is old enough to understand. Do not, however, let it go too long. I believe this shouldn’t go past eight years old. There is no shame in having adopted a child … there is tremendous shame in purposely deceiving someone you love out of fear and ego. And if you fear rejection, try instead to trust (and respect) your child’s love for you. It is probably much stronger than you ever could have imagined.

* If you are an adoptee and decide to search, even as a result of the most horrific circumstances (including having just learned you were adopted umpteen years ago) DO NOT PERPETUATE THE DISHONESTY if you find any of your birth family. If your intention is to start a relationship with your birth family members, deceiving them about who you are and why you are entering their life is not a way to do that. It will be hard and terrifyingly scary, the fear of rejection massive, but if those feelings (and others) are overwhelming, just wait: the time will come when the stormy passion of the situation will subside, calm will replace it, and you will be able to present yourself without guise and pretense. In doing so, you may be launching the first completely honest stage of your life, and that is no small thing.

* If you are a birth mother and have not yet told your spouse and/or other children, please, please, please do so. Not only can your family give you support and compassion in the situation, if that is what you need, but should your child come back to find you or should you decide to try and find them, there will be no need for potentially damaging, difficult confessions … and your child will know that though they were sent a different direction, they weren’t forgotten or hidden. This may not be an easy thing to do, especially if your children are fully grown adults, but again, honesty is about trust and that isn’t just about them trusting you, but about you trusting their love and respect for you enough to relate to them with candor.


I don’t know what happened with Mr. H and his birth family. When someone bares their soul to another, they will often cut with their confidante, feeling too vulnerable in the nakedness of their souls in front of that person. I tried to phone Mr. H a month later, but he wouldn’t take or return my calls. I understood then. I understand now. And every day I think in any way about adoption, I think about Mr. H and send him all the positive energy I can muster.

When people who have been through so much attach to one’s adoption Velcro, even rarely, it is inevitable to have a sense of what a game of chance life really is again and again … and how lucky one is if they draw a particularly good card. To under appreciate fate's gift, to me, would be to mock those who drew a damaging card that seemed to undermine their game of a happy life… I will not, can not, do that. Ever.