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Who’s Adoption Story is it to Tell?
I was talking to my sister who is also adopted about her feelings concerning others sharing her adoption journey and information. I was quite surprised when she told me that she was a little shocked that I have been so open, honest and shared so many details about my adoption journey and that of my children.
When I took this writing “gig”, I wanted to be as open as I could about being an adoptee and the challenges, issues and heartache that can happen. I knew that I could not be fully open about my experiences and share without hurting people in my life including my adopted children if I did not write under a pseudonym. Granted I have received some flack about not using my real name but the truth be told it is about my journey as an adoptee, not my name. When I started here with Nancy we talked about it and decided that I could be freer and more open if I kept my identity out of it.
I do not just write about myself but others involved in my adoption journey would it be fair to the pain my birth mother has endured, that her daughter (my half sister) was raped for her entire childhood, etc for everyone to know their personal business? I write to share and provide insight from an adoptee point of view not to hurt people around me even if it is the truth. Three people know I blog here (my husband, my dad and my sister) and I have told them if I write something that bothers you I will take it down. I have talked with my dad on occasion about certain posts whether he was okay with me sharing certain things. He said, “I do not necessarily see and recall things as you have but is about your experience as an adoptee.”
As my sister told me that I have been brutally honest here and shared some very personal things about myself, my children adoption story and my family. I have opened myself up as my sister has told me but I did so to provide knowledge concerning an adoptee. Sadly a few people have been rude and unkind when I have tried to share my experiences causing me to feel somewhat wounded. My existence is built on adoption, so when I feel like adoption and my experiences are dismissed; it becomes very personal to me. While I do understand that some individuals do not have the positive adoption experience which I totally understand and wish it could be different causing them to have negative feelings about adoption. No one has ever stated that all adoptions would work or be positive but that does not mean anyone has the right to dismiss another adoptee’s positive experience with adoption.
From an adoptees point of view I feel that an adopted person or child’s adoption story is their’s to share when and with who they want. It is such a personal thing for most adoptees.
I have yet to hear a lot of parent share all the details of how they conceived with using donated eggs or sperm with everyone. Why? Because it is a personal thing for the parents and for the child conceived.
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Protecting Adoptees Past Information
I was nearly five years old when I was adopted. I always knew that I was adopted, but that is the only thing my adoptive parents were open about. I feel like my identity was stolen. My name was changed from Bonnie to Anne and somewhere in the process I felt like I lost my identity. I was never allowed to talk about my past or the people in it. If I did talk about it I was told I had made it up or seen it on television. I was sexually abused before I was adopted and I was never offered any help dealing with the issues from my past. Later in life I tried to commit suicide and was never offered any help dealing with that issue, either. I was basically told that being adopted was in my best interest, but I always felt like it was in the best interest of everyone else involved and that no one really cared about what was in my best interest. All of my parents are now dead and there are still a lot of unresolved issues from my past. I have a good relationship with God and have been in Al-Anon which have been a great help to me. My adopted mother would tell anyone asking her about adopting and older child not to do it because they had such a bad experience with me, like it was my fault. Well, my experience wasn’t any better than theirs was. I never felt like I belonged and we didn’t bond. Once I was grown and married, all my adopted relatives acted like I wasn’t a part of the family. My adopted brother molested me from when I was 11 til I was 14. He denies that he molested me because it was oral sex and I consented. It never occured to me that I could refuse. That had never worked in the past when he wanted something. I told my parents about it when I was almost out of high school and they didn’t get me any help with that either. I’d like to know exactly what their responsibility to me was. I am not putting down adoption of any child of any age, but I hope that today’s adopting parents are more loving and responsible to their adoptees than mine were.~Anne
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