e-mail
In my first communication with my birth mom she told me the name of my biological father. They knew each other in college but did not have a long term relationship. He never knew she was pregnant. The fact that he didn’t know I existed added another layer of complexity to the searching process. Biological parents know the possibility exists that they may be contacted by their biological child sometime down the road. However, it would be quite shocking to learn you had an adult child – one who is requesting information and/or contact. Again, this is where my story is atypical of most adoptees. Because this man has some limited notoriety I was able to find information about him in newspaper and magazine articles. Even today I occasionally find information about him on the internet. I’ve learned quite a bit about him – where he lives, his profession and the jobs he had over the years, the fact that he was married not too long after my birth and has two daughters. I even discovered that his oldest daughter and I went to the same college – at the same time. Wow. It amazes me to think that I could have seen her at the library or bumped into her at the student union. It was a very large public university though so I probably never saw her…still the idea of it is intriguing. So with all of this information did I really need more?
In the end there was a single reason I decided to contact him – because he is black. I yearned for some connection – ANY connection – to that part of myself. At the time this was happening I was really struggling with my racial identity. I spent a lot of time learning about black culture and arming myself with information. I thought that might make me “feel” black. It didn’t. I tried to form friendships with the few black people I knew but they felt awkward and forced. I joined a black church; went to some cultural events. I was willing to try anything. None of these things helped me at all. If anything it increased my level of confusion and despair. I simply didn’t fit in. I slowly began to realize that my racial identity couldn’t be “found” through other people or things. I had to find it within myself. And in my mind, at that time, I felt that my biological father was part of what was inside me and might fill this big hole in my life. This was a very difficult phase in my life and I did not reach a level of comfort with my racial identity until my early 30s. It was a long and painful process and the outcome was not at all what I expected. I plan to write more about this in future posts but I will say that today I am very comfortable with who I am.
I waited a long time but eventually I decided to send a certified letter. I still have the delivery notification with his signature that verified he received it. I did not expect a response. I never got one.
I have read several posts from you and others. Your story is so helpful for all who are Multi-Racial but also for those who like myself were Trans-Cultural as well. I was born in Korea in 1952 during the Korean war, and one of the first from Korea to be sent abroad in 1956 under the Harry and Bertha Holt Adoption Program. I can identify with you on many levels, even as a ‘father’ who never knew his son and daughter.
I have been blogging since April of 2009 as http://www.koreanwarbaby.com/ and would welcome you to do a Guest Post. Some of the posts you have done here would really help as International adoptees have many issues as Domestic adoptees do. I have coined a phrase “This Thing of Ours-Adoption” to emphasis that we have a vast network of people connected beyond the Adoption Triad, that includes extended families, social workers, government ministries, etc.
If you would take a look and then let me know if I could use some of your story on The Korean War Baby. Good luck in your continuing journey of self-identity. Many of us need to also become ‘comfortable with who we are’. Thank you for sharing.
Don Gordon Bell
Korean War Baby
Hello Stephanie,
The Children’s Home Society of NC found my birth mother in Jan 2009 and we have been writing each other since November 2009. I have decided to blog about my journey as an adult adoptee. Would you mind checking it out? http://www.deannalewis.blogspot.com This is so new for me, but I thought an online journal would be good for me. My friends love the updates and I hope my children will grow to appreciate it as they get older.Thanks for your time.
DeAnna
mass passed a law in 2007 that all adoptees were entitled to indentifing information that were apoted before 1974…..I myself was adopted before then…So yesterday I went and retrieved my origional birth certificate.I found my origional identity…I google her all afternoon and found everything I needed to contact her, or her two children….Phone #’s marrige certificates, e-mails, anything I wanted was at my fingers….having been apotpted through catholic charities I had gone through them ten years prior to this to ask her for medical history…She declined..I believe her exact words were “it was the most painful time in my life and I do not want to revisit it”….. This time I decided to contact my sibling….I started with the girl sibling….she was irate to say the least….she called the police….I faxed her a copy of the birth cert…She had been well aware that I was out there, but also had no interest in my existance. At 33 that seemed like a weird response….One that I wonder if I will ever understand..I was contacted by a lawyer who represented my biological mother and sister. His word were…”you are to have no contact with my clients”…I said then please convey to your clients I will be filling a suite and we can let the courts decide if I am entitled to my medical history….This is the abridge version…..he called back shortly…he said that he would speak for the family and retrieve the info that I wanted but, they do want me to contact them…..they live about 15 minutes from my house…too bad I guess, for them….I told him I want also the name of my father who is not listed on the birth cert. I should be happy today…I know baby Racheals last name…I now know my nationality…..but what warrents this type of behavior….why do you immediatly call the police and retain a lawyer because you were contacted by your biological daughter…seems like a weird response hey…..I am left feeling …..I don’t know….what is the word for those gurgles in your stomach accompanied by shaking hands and a racing heart everytime you think about the days event’s…what happens to baby racheal next week or next month….why was my sister so hostile with me….I didn’t understand how she misplaced her anger on me…where was my fault…I took my first breath…..honestly, that’s what created this whole situation…..soooo confused and could use some help….I am trying to stay upbeat about this. I am afterall a woman in her forties that has rationalized most of it…..but anger….mabye if it was about something horrible….but an adoption…from what I can tell my sister is pregnant…about to give birth to what my mother believes is the first grandchild……My mother has a great grandchild…..why would’nt you just quietly furnish me with the information that I desired…..to help my family that you helped to create…..looking forward to some insight from you….thank you for being the first one interested….Signed….Baby Rachael
Hi Racheal,
I’m so sorry to read about your difficult situation. I think your feelings of frustration and confusion are completely normal and understandable. I think you are right to push for your information with the attorney, but I also think you have to respect the wishes of your birth mother and sibling to cease contact. I know this is easier said than done but hopefully by respecting their boundaries they will, in turn, respect your request for your rightful identifying information. Perhaps over time their position will soften and they will reach out to you.
Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to about all of this? I always find talking through difficult issues helps me a lot – either with a close friend or family member or with a therapist. Also you might want to reach out to other adoptees on the forum on this site or at the many adoptee support sites on the internet. Talking about it with others who have been in your shoes may help.
I’m sorry you are having such a painful experience right now. Be sure to reach out to others for support.
Good luck, Stephanie
hello Stephanie,
Thank you for the post. As a side note, just wanted to share, the other day when I went to get my origional birth certificate, I turned to my boyfriend while seeing my name for the first time and said” where are the bells and whistles, how come no confetti is falling from the ceiling”…. I thought you would get a kick out of that.
So today I went to the public library right up the road in these two samll towns that abut each other. One town is hers and the other is mine. I found her high school year book and photocopied the picture. I resemblance is uncanny..I have to say, I expected it. my own first born child is always mistaken for my younger sister. So I expected her to be as similar. she and I are both thin with narrow faces an weird blue green eyes. I her year book picture she has the same hair color as me, although her lawyer said she is blonde now. Her other daughter does have some of these same features however, she does not look as similiar to her mother as I.
That being said I have made more forward progress today in the fight for identity. So this is good. I have found comfort with it once again and look forward to finding more about me. I am on the family search.org site searching for my mothers biological parents. I believe I have discovered thier names as well. This gives me a start in my ancestoral history. Soon I can find death certificates and possibly the cause of death.
I knew of people adopted. One had a very happy reunion in her late teens and one had a relationship with her mother for a short time. I don’t know why but it is not common for me to openly express feelings. so support groups ? I do not know…..I can tell you, reading you past posts has helped. I forget it is not a accute experience. People have done this before an will do it again after my experience is long behind me…
Lastly tonight I would like to say, I hope for an outcome like yours and have not ruled out of the question that I may someday have a chance to speak to my mother openly. Not to tell her of some horrible unjust life she threw me to, because that was not the case, but to speak to a woman I have never known about so many things that I wonder about me. stupid things. Am I a product of my enviroment or me heredity?
Shall I keep you posted of my progress?
once again thank you…….Baby Rachael
[...] and remind myself just how fortunate I was in seeking out my birth mother. Rachael, an adoptee, wrote about the response she got from her birth mother and the pain and frustration she is currently [...]