Adult Adoptee Blog, Adopted Adult Blog - Reunions – Emotions, Desires and Thoughts

05/17/07

Reunions – Emotions, Desires and Thoughts

Posted by : Abby in Adoptee Blog at 07:43 pm , 370 words, 198 views
Categories: Search & Reunion, Thoughts, Questions & Answers

Other adoptees, like my self, look for a relationship with their birth mother but without the "full" mother daughter relationship. I call my birth mother by her first name, because in my heart she is not my mom. I do not intend for this to cause her pain as much as I know it does but I can't be the person that she wishes she had mothered. I am the person that I have grown into over time and I am happy with the person I have become.

Should I change to make someone else happy even if that person gave me life? I think not. I would hope that a birth mother, would be happy that her child she gave up to adoption would like to have a relationship with her, even if has not the kind of relationship she had hoped for. That she would be happy that the child she gave up, was successful, happy, and was a good person.

Why should adoptees be made to feel like it is all or nothing with their birth families? There has to be a middle ground, without the need for some adoptees to feel like they need to fit into another adoptee’s or birth mother’s idea of adoption or reunion.

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There are also the adoptees that have a mother and child connect for the beginning. They can, want to and feel okay with stepping right into a relationship where their birth mother is their mother. If these adoptees desire to share their entire life (children, holidays, day to day life, etc.) with their birth families that is great for all parties involved.

The one thing I found every strange in my adoption journey was my birth mother (just like every other birth mother with the child she gave up) asked me to understand her decision and choice to give me up for adoption. I totally understand her decisions. When I asked her to understand my feelings, boundaries and accept me for the person I am, she could not do it. One should not ask of another, what one can not do themselves.

Related artilces at adoption.com:

Encouragement and Caution

Damaging Words, Secret Information, and Severed Ties...

2 comments

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Comment from: John [Member]

Abby, it is so interesting to read your posts on reunion, and your relationship with your birth mother. My sons came home as older children, with involentary TPRs for their birth parents. They may decide to have a reunion in the future.

You are wise to set boundries, and stick to them. There is an old saying, 'dont accept unacceptable behavior'. Without boundries, there is no unacceptable behavior, just an unacceptable situation for you.

When you read the super birthmother bloggers, demanding or unreasonable birth mothers are surely an unheard of commodity. They are almost all wonderful but misunderstood ladies that surely would give Mother Terresa competition. Reading your posts and the comments to other bloggers gives a more balanced view. Some birthmoms are wonderful people, some are challenging but ok, and some are very difficult to deal with, kind of like any other part of humanity. Thank you for your perspective. My sons birth mothers seem a lot more like what you describe than what the super birth mother bloggers talk about. In anything really important, like reunion, reality beats puffery any time. John

Permalink 05/17/07 @ 23:41