[Continued from HERE.]

It has struck me that many birth parents are determined to punish themselves. This comes out in a variety of ways, from the obvious to the deeply psychological.

There are birth parents that appear to be unable to accept that the child to whom they gave birth they also gave a very good life. Some birth parents seem to resent or completely disbelieve in their child’s happiness instead of finding some relief in it. I find myself wondering: if birth parents with this mindset found that their offspring was angry and accusatory, would it be better because at least then the birth mother/father would know they were missed, that life hadn’t gone on without them? Or would they feel vindicated for all the years of self-torture by finally getting the beating some media, groups and individuals, perhaps even they themselves, feel that they deserve?

This is just one example. There are many ways in which it has become apparent to me that some birth parents are feeling lost and insecure and… the list continues, unfortunately.

If you are reading and you know deep in your heart that you are one of these birth parents, I want to give you a hug. I want to find the magic words that will free your soul from the chains you keep tightly wrapped around it. I want to thank you and urge you to talk to someone that will help you find a way to healing, not someone that will just add fuel to the fire of unmerited self-loathing. The truth is, though, you are the only one that can free your soul. I, for one, am routing for you to do so.

Some birth mothers seem to resent my suggestion that it is possible to move on in one’s life, to accept what has happened in the past. In everything these people have said or written to me or in response to what I have written, I see clinging fiercely to the past and to the pain, anger and frustration they have experienced because of it. If you are among these, there is only one thing to say:

YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THE PAST.

No matter how many tears, no matter how many sleepless hours, neurotic nights, anxious holidays you put yourself through, nothing that has already happened will unhappen. This is not my opinion nor does it only relate to adoption: this is one of those few things you can count on in this life. Accepting the past for what it was takes time, but just how much time is the part in which each of us has some say.

I am urging you to please be patient and kind and honest not just with your child who was adopted (whether or not you reunite with them,) be patient and kind and honest with yourselves.

I would love to one day read more blogs by birth parents that do not lean so heavily on feeling like a victim or being hated by the world, but are sharing how they found peace and balance with their past in the present, so they can live in a calm, well, state in the future. It takes so much courage to forgive yourself… but you deserve that.

[Next blog: P.S. First there was birth, then there was adoption: A note to adoptive parents.]