[Continued from HERE.]

After reading so many blogs by birth parents, it seems to me that many birth parents are, like adoptees, letting issues (topics) turn into issues (problems.) Some have shackled themselves to the past emotionally.

I have read accounts by birth parents who feel persecuted for their decision to allow their child to be adopted and I have read self-persecution not well hidden in the lines of their writing. I have seen birth parents obsessed with the idea of meeting their birth children and then, upon meeting them, experience utter disappointment. I have known of birth parents who wanted to make contact at any cost, even when the adoptee had shown no interest or even refused to meet. I have read of incredibly high expectations for tight-knit relationships after reuniting with their babies-turned-adults and the resultant devastation when their relatively happy adoptees prefer a more loose acquaintance, or worse: when angry adoptees blame their birth parents for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.

Conversely, I have also read accounts of birth parents who were not interested in meeting their offspring being nearly stalked by the adoptee. I have known birth parents who, once their curiosity was satisfied, did not want a tight relationship with the adult that the child they birthed had become.

Search and reunion, at the heart of some very rapidly boiling emotions in our three-legged pot, is not as simple as showing up at the convention center to see the other members of the Class of ‘67. There are too many dynamics at play.

The people I know, both birth parents and adoptees, who have had positive experiences in their reunions did so mainly because they kept it simple. Not one of them had convinced themselves that meeting their birth child/parent would fill a hole they felt or fix all their problems. They all approached the reunion with respect and curiosity and, yes, just a bit of reserve as well.

The fact is, even though there are genes connecting adoptees and their birth parents, when you meet, you are meeting total strangers. To create an image in your head about that person is at best a fun guessing game, at worst a sure-fire path to disappointment, and at the very least, a serious waste of time. Meeting new people is the spice of life and in the case of reunion, it’s not just someone new, but someone you already knew about, someone you really WANTED to meet. Just as you would with any stranger, suspend pre-conceived ideas and stereo-types before and in the early stages of meeting. Be as calm and open and friendly as you can. Don’t put your emotional baggage on the table just after the tea is served … there will be time for that.

Most importantly, don’t force it. By the time you will meet, your child is no longer a child. You might not have very much in common other than your genes: and that is ok. What isn’t ok is trying to change who you are to accommodate anyone else. It also isn’t ok to expect them to change in order to accommodate you. Adaptation on healthy levels will come naturally as bonds form … but healthy bonds have no chance to form if they are based on one person or the other being untrue to themselves.

Search and reunion can be important, certainly, for both adoptees and birth parents. It can also be interesting and wonderful for adoptive parents. I firmly believe that as in ANY relationship, the people involved need to have their own individual sense of balance and have an idea of who they are before the new relationship can take root and grow. I believe this is the case even if a part of self-identity is wrapped up in the reunion itself.

If you decide to have a reunion with the child you gave for adoption, fight your urge to have large expectations. Do what you can to be in the moment and then roll with whatever comes. Please don’t put so much pressure on yourself … nor on your child.

The same parenting principles apply, even if your ‘child’ is in their 30’s or 40’s … odds are that if you pull too close, too fast, they will push you away. So, don’t do it. Take your time. Let them take their time, too. Do not let yourself feel like you did something wrong or that you are being rejected just because the relationship is not progressing as fast as you would like.

[Next blog: p.s. note to birth parents concluded.]