This has been a very enjoyable series. The perspective you bring is appreciated. Our family has five children, the youngest was adopted just past his fourth birthday. Each child is special and unique, with different strengths and challenges. Naturally, the circumstances of our youngest child's entry into our family have never been a secret. His background includes severe abuse and neglect. He has two "birthmarks" that are actually scars from being burned with a cigarette. He is now 10.5 years old. While maintaining respect for his identity and his family of origin, how would we go about being honest in this matter with him? All suggestions are welcome, as we would like to formulate a plan that will honor our intent to be honest, yet will not injure his self-image.

Hello Sue,

Thank you so much for reading the series... I am really glad you have enjoyed it.

I am happy to give you any ideas I can, just please remember that I am no 'expert'... though I have worked quite a bit with war traumatized children, it is similar but very different from your child's experience.

My main question before giving any answers would have to be how much does he remember of his life, his family before he came to you?

I am also not clear about the matter you want to be honest about: is it the burns specifically, the abuse in general or even the identity of his family if you have that information?

If you prefer to continue the discussion in a more private forum, maybe email, just let me know.

Thanks again, Sue.

When reading accounts of veterans suffering from war, the similarities to our children are striking, for sure.

Our son has ongoing contact with an older sibling. He has very few direct memories of his time with his first family. We have an extensive life book assembled with pictures of everyone, a five generation family tree, lots of information for him to consume and digest. He is reaching a point where he is interested in going through this with us.

The topic of his "birthmarks" keeps coming up, from him. He is confused about them, and somehow feels they are related to his adoption. As I have been thinking through your questions, the horrid thought has just now come to me that perhaps he has some memory of being burned?! and that this is why he keeps coming back to the marks?

Our family is comfortable with a public forum, so long as you are. We feel this allows others to learn, as well as contribute.

Thanks for your reply.

Sue

Hi Again, Sue...

It sounds like you already have done a lot to help your son find his balance ... really well done.

Sorry, Sue, but just a few more questions:

- Is the older sibling with whom your son still has contact still living with their first parents? If not, was that sibling still quite young when they left? Would they remember the abuse?

- If the older sibling does remember the abuse, is there any chance he/she would mention something to your son? It might not be about the burns specifically but it could be something related to the topic.

- Up until now, when your son has brought up the birthmarks and that he feels they have something to do with him having been adopted, did he indicate any ideas how?

- Why does he think he was adopted?

- What kinds of memories does he have about his birth family? Anything at all related to the abuse?

- Does he have nightmares or recurrent dreams of any kind?

- Are your other children also adopted? If so, did any of them come from abusive homes as well? How much do they know about your son's past?

- Who is your son closest to in your family?

- Does he like any creative activities? Drawing, painting, music, making models, building things with wood... anything at all creative?

Last question, I swear...

- How does your son do with communication? When he goes through his life book, does he ask questions? Does it seem as though he is able to get his point, how he feels, across to you? Is he comfortable talking about his being adopted? Does he share with you about his relationship with his older sibling?


One reason for all of these questions is to try to help you figure out if he has some memory of being burned or other abuse that he might relate to the marks.
The other reason is to give me some context as well as a sense of your son.

If your son doesn't have anything concrete in his mind but just a 'sense' of something, and he does not seem to be 'acting out,' my initial instict is that it would be better to help him remember all he can in is own time without getting into the burns or specific abuse if he has no recollection of it.

But again, the answers to the questions would help me be more clear on that...

And how to go about walking him through his memories...

Again, sorry for all of the questions, Sunbonnet Sue.

Wow! Thanks for the reply, the more detailed response will have to come later, as we're just now running out the door to pick up kids from school.

Jupe, if you are a parent - you must be an awesome one! And if you are not, and you decide to become one someday - you will be an awesome one. Either way - you're an all-around great person. Thanks for sharing.

Good morning!

Now, to tackle all those questions!

It is greatly appreciated, the energy you have already put into thinking about my little boy. The impulse to pose my initial question to you is because, through your writings, you appear to have much in common with my child, as far as your personality strengths go. He revels in happiness here in our home. He adores, and is adored by, his older siblings. There is an appropriate level of sibling rivalry. He is our only child who was adopted. There are many creative outlets he can access which he does well at and enjoys.

The relationship he has with his bio-sib is tightly controlled and supervised. This sibling is not thriving, nor is she emotionally healthy. Given the opportunity, there is little doubt she would do many squirrelly things, but that potential does not exist. Their relationship is as healthy as it has the potential to be, they spend their time together having snacks, coloring or building joint projects. All with direct, adult supervision, in a neutral third location.

Our youngest child is developmentally delayed. His ability to communicate, as well as interpret his world, is far below average. He has had many therapeutic interventions, and there are no doubt more in his future. His intellect registers solidly in the average range, but all who interact with him note definite flashes of brilliance. He is mainstreamed into a regular classroom, with lots of back up and support. Even so, school is stressful for him. Home is calmer, and he would chose to stay here and never leave if given the opportunity. He is comfortable talking about being adopted with us, but is often at a loss as to how to respond to other folks inquiries. His peers are curious. So we’re working on it.

He knows he was adopted because his first mom and dad could not take proper care of him or his siblings. That’s about all we’ve said on the matter. He has some inclination towards a fantasy birth family, and sometimes he expresses anger towards them for not trying harder to care for him. He does not have direct memory of abuse, but older sister remembers things that have become common knowledge, before we became the parents of our son. The circumstances of the birthmarks are not included in this knowledge, so it seems best to leave it alone.

The idea of continuing to process with him regarding the fact that he was abused, without going into the specific facts, is likely where we will stay for now. He sleeps soundly at night for the most part, and by all accounts, is doing very well. Our family feels blessed to have him and to be a part of his life.

Hopefully that is enough to give you a fair picture of our circumstances. Overall, we’re trundling along just great, with some expected and unexpected pitfalls occasionally tripping us up.

Thanks for your input!

Sue

s... you made my day... thank you.

Hi Sue,
I’m sorry it took some time for me to get back to you.

Again, just let me say I think you are probably doing just about everything a parent CAN do to help your child adjust. My hat, scarf and mittens are all off to you and your family … and to your son. The hardest work is really for him.

I also think that the situation with your son very much shows that getting to the root of ‘issues’ is the only way to address them. Using the adoption scapegoat can be ‘easy’ but is not necessarily accurate. As with your son’s case, being adopted isn’t the ‘issue’ it’s a topic. Having been abused has created challenges and bigger issues to address.

Your initial question was concerned with being honest with him about the fact he had been abused before he came to you. It seems like the approach you have been taking so far, gaining his trust, being patient and supportive, making sure he knows he can talk to you … this is a great long-term plan. The ground you are preparing now could very well provide him with a comfort level in his present enough to help him eventually leave the past behind. That is not a small thing.

I would say, Sue, that there is a good chance that he does have some memories of abuse that lurk below the surface. Even if those memories are not specifically of being burned, there could be a trigger with those burns. I would strongly suggest that if he asks you directly how he got the marks or if he was abused (in whatever terms he may verbalize those questions) you should really consider being honest with him, even though he is young and it would be difficult and painful for you.

I am sure you have worked hard to gain his trust and, even if he doesn’t show it, he has probably had to work hard to let himself trust you. That trust in you is the most sacred thing between you: more than love, more than respect, more than compassion.

Even if he doesn’t ask about the marks or abuse now, and in light of his relationship with his biological sister, I would imagine in his teen years he is probably going to need to know about his past in order to go through that guaranteed-to-be difficult period of figuring out who he is.

Regardless of whether it is now or then, the hardest part will be to convince him that he in no way provoked or deserved the treatment he received. That he wasn’t responsible for that or for his birth parents not being able to take care of him. He will need to go through his anger ... and, probably with your help and supoprt, find a channel through which that anger can drain out of him.

This is where I bring up the fact I am really glad that he does have creative tendencies and that you encourage it in him. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of the therapists that have worked with your son explained that his challenges with communication and interpretation of the world around him probably stem from the coping mechanisms he developed to survive the abusive atmosphere before he came to you. These were probably related to his last lines of defense and so take the longest to “re-program” into healthier coping mechanisms. (We all have our tools to cope, yes?)

In working with war traumatized children, it was important not to begin trying to change any coping mechanisms, even the unhealthy ones, until they wouldn’t need those tools for survival, until they were in secure situations. Happily, your son is very safe in your able hands and in the love of your family. You have been helping him change his coping mechanisms since he became comfortable with all of you … now is just the trickier ones.

As you have already worked with many different therapeutic treatments, I would imagine that you have already employed using creative means, ie art, music, drama, writing, etc to help him find a way, if even non-verbally, to express himself. On the off chance you haven’t, I highly recommend you pursue this a bit, even on your own. To me, it isn’t the psychoanalysis bit about art therapy and the like that is important, it is the process of putting pain, confusion, whatever emotional stop-gap that makes a person stumble, onto the paper, canvas, whatever, that is important.

The children I was working with most recently in Southern Sudan were not just impacted by long-term war and the various nefarious offshoots of that, but also were inhibited by the cultural norm of absolutely not verbalizing fears and issues. We would use games to build trust, art and story telling for self-expression, music for all and in between amd sports as an outlet to anger. As trauma tends to alienate its victims, social problems, inability to interact with peers was often a problem as well. Games requiring team work and gentle/fun forms of interaction followed by trust-building activities was also fairly effective in many ways … not just with kids, even with adults. Oh, and did I mention laughter? The simplest, most effective medicine, that!

I have hundreds of games/creative activities specifically tareting communcations, trust, and larger psycho-social development, if you are interested. Let me know and I can email them to you via attachment. You have lots of kids, so you’ve already got the right size group to play some of the games. That’s a bonus for sure!

The key, as I seem to be always saying, is to try to do these things in a way that doesn’t make your son feel more ‘strange’ about who he is than he would normally. Remind him that we are all strange, really, we just have to learn to not be strangers to our own strangeness.

I understand how it can be weird when answering questions about being adopted. I didn’t really talk about it much except to my closest friends, and even then it wasn’t a hot topic. In fourth or fifth grade, I did bring myself to ‘Show and Tell’ and explain about being adopted, being ‘picked’ and all that. After, there were questions, most of which were some variation of ,‘What is it like to be adopted?’ to which I would always respond “What is it like to not be adopted?” Your son could liken it to gym class, when you get to pick teams and you are the first one picked… that’s your son. First round draft pick. It can be a really good feeling.

Sue, am sorry this is so long winded. I hope I have not been too presumptuous in ‘advising’ or giving too many “you should’s” and “you could’s,” but if I could help in any way... well, you get it.

Thank you so much for reading my blog and more importantly, for sharing a piece of your life with me… I am so glad your son has you, and that you all have him as well.