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There are some specific pit-falls that I know can lead down the “woe-is-adopted-me” path. Some of these holes that could swallow your adoptee (and you) whole are:

BE HONEST!
If you haven’t told your child they were adopted by now, and your child is more than eight years old: DO IT NOW!!! And please, don’t just hand your kid a book and say ‘read this’ or show them a video. TALK to your children … then LISTEN. You know what I mean. Communicate directly with your child. I know it’s not so popular these days, but it is pretty much the only method that ‘works.’

If your adult child (I love that only-way-to-say-it oxymoron) still does not know they were adopted, I can not emphasize enough how important it is that you find the strength to tell them. There is a very good chance they will be furious with you. You are going to have to be more patient and kind and gentle than you ever have before and you are going to feel more vulnerable than you thought humanly possible, but at the end of the day, you must do it.

Your child not only has a right to know, they NEED to know their reality, if only for practical purposes. And don’t fool yourselves: your adult child WILL find out, even if it is after you die, when there will be no way to repair your relationship.

If you have painted yourself into this difficult corner, no matter what your reasons, the paint will only start to dry for you to move out of it when you tell the truth. Then, once it is not so sticky, you can be there for your adult child in a way you have never been able to do before, from a completely honest place.

Take the High Road
Whether your adoption is open or closed, be very careful how you react/refer to “birth parents” of any situation: symbolic or literal, in the media, community gossip, reacting to news stories or talking on the phone. Your child listens to you and it benefits you in no way for your child to think badly of their birth parents specifically or the whole group in general. An off-hand, “nothing” comment you made while talking on the phone about a birth mother may be overheard … and come up again a few years later in your child’s attitude toward their birth parents or even you.

Running other people down, being overly judgmental, is not positive in any situation, but turning the lasers on someone (or a symbollic rep of someone) to your child’s life within their earshot, I believe, is a big no-no. If you are feeling the need to do this, maybe it is time to examine your own level of security in your relationship with your child. Are you feeling threatened? If so, why? When you sit calmly with it, giving the situation the ol’ chess-game, multi-viewpoint, three-moves-ahead treatment, does it seem you really have something to worry about? If so, what do your instincts give as a way forward?

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