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Maybe the best way for me to explain exactly what I mean without having it convoluted is to share a little, “hmm, I never knew that about myself” moment with you.

A few months ago a friend introduced me at a small gathering saying, “Hey, everyone, this is Jupe. She’s adopted, too.” My friend is an adoptive parent as well as an adoption advocate, so there is context with the introduction she gave. I realized immediately, though, that it had made me uncomfortable… not loose-sleep-over-it bothered, but hey-what-was-that uncomfortable.

While I am very open about the fact I was adopted, it is also personal ... like intercourse ... like a million little things that happen to loads of people but become private when they are yours. It is something I share with people when I feel good about them and want them to know me better.

I don’t think that is very strange, really. I have never heard people raised by their biological parents introduced like, “This is Frannie. Her parents had sex in six positions on a Tuesday in March to bring her into their lives.” Or, “This is my son Toby. He was artificially inseminated into my womb.” (Actually, maybe that is a trend that should start happening. We would sure know each other that much better right off the bat… not to mention that ‘adoption’ is a pretty boring tag in comparison to all the options these days.)

I also realized after the adoption intro incident that my family never did that. My having been adopted was never part of the introduction to me. It is wonderful to be proud and happy with your child (who just so happens to have been adopted.) That is as it should be. But if you are essentially saying, “This is my adopted child,” don’t be surprised if the reaction from other people is, “So, this is your adopted child.” It’s an interesting form of the age-old double standard: "I can call my sister ugly, but you can't call my sister ugly," which assumes that ‘ugly’ is automatically a bad thing.

If a situation with strangers requires sharing the fact that your child was adopted, for example if medical personnel ask about medical history, of course it is relevant ... but otherwise, he is just your son...she is just your daughter. No need to get into the various “positions” it took to make that so.

Also remember that it isn’t just adoptees that flirt with hyper-sensitivity and overreaction: our three legged pot is all a-bubble with it. The less you let things bother you, the more often you take the high-road and avoid engaging in the inevitable fight that awaits you on the low-road, the more your child will learn to do the same … and that’s not just with the adoption thing.

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