[Continued from HERE.]

Sandra Hanks Benoiton, over at the Older Parent and International Adoption blogs, left me a comment at one point in this ‘Issues’ series saying:

“As an adoptive mom, I wonder what I can do to help my kids process their realities without spinning down into obsession, as from many of the more self-tortured adoptees it would appear that a safe and happy childhood in a loving family does little to stop this.”

My answer to this is simple. Beyond providing a “safe and happy childhood in a loving family,” here’s what you can do: nothing. Not a gosh-darn thing. Ironically, the reason is the same reason I began this series in the first place.

It isn’t because they are adopted, it is just because.

With biological children, rates of anger-happiness-depression-frustration-exhuberance-nuttiness-dynamism, in short, human emotional mumbo jumbo and “acceptable” personality stuff, has the same story at the same rate of success and failure as for adoptees. The research on the research proved it. There is no guarantee that any child will ‘turn out alright.’ There is also no guarantee that they won’t. (And please, don’t EVER wish NORMALCY on your child … how boring and limited. Wish for small doses of the extraordinary, at the very least!)

Warantees, guarantees, golfing tees: none are provided with the parenting package, no matter how your child came into your life … didn’t it say that in the brochure? Not even in the fine print? Hm. It should have.

Now it is time for what has somehow turned into my blog mantra: please, adoptive parents, DON’T overdo the whole “my adopted baby” thing.

The fact that your child was adopted should be as matter of fact as the funny shaped birthmark on her/his left buttock: a part of who they are that makes them special, just an “is.” Think: “my baby,” not “my adopted baby.”

I know that there are many people that say insensitive things about your ‘adopted baby.’

My mother tells the story of how a woman came up to her after church once and said, “Oh, look how cute your little adopted baby is in her big sister’s hand-me-downs.” My mother was so very not impressed, as you might imagine (was it the ‘adopted’ or the ‘hand-me-downs’? Either one is a good choice, I suppose.)

There isn’t anything you can do with people like this woman. She had the habit of talking before thinking, and even thinking didn’t guarantee, well, thought. She wasn’t malicious (most of the time) as her comment to my mother would imply, but she was insensitive, thoughtless … and you know, like I know, there are whole brigades of people like that operating in the world.

There are other occasions when unnecessary emphasis is put on the ‘adopted’ label that you, as adoptive parents, may be able to influence: you may even be a part of the cause.

For example, the other day in the Adoptive Parenting blog, Theresa tells a very sweet and funny story about her son’s trip to the doctor. During the “check in” process (or whatever it’s called) she explained that her son came into their lives three years ago and that he was adopted. Later, the doctor, after mentioning her own children, said, “but your son is adopted, right?” It bothered Theresa especially as the implication was that there was some difference between her son and the doctor’s offspring because he was adopted. Theresa’s point was it shouldn’t matter.

I think Theresa is right: it shouldn’t matter. I would bet that even to that doctor, it doesn’t matter. From my experience, making adoption ‘not matter’ starts with the parents. It is not just the children who get their cue from you, it is people around you.

By announcing your child is adopted, it naturally puts the topic out there as a topic. If instead you just say he is your son/she is your daughter and beam with pride... that's exactly what you would do if he was biologically yours. The “adopted’ caveat immediately sets him apart, but does it really have any added value?

Please know I am not saying in any way that “adoption” is a dirty word or that it should be kept hidden.

[Continued]