People through life decide to build theories, paint others to be a certain way because it validates their decisions in their lives. When it comes to light that it is not always that way, then anger comes up while being defensive. We all have choices and decisions in life that we make that are our responsibility.

There seems to be some major confusion about the post “Expectations of an Adoptee”. I referenced a post “Are Adoptees “Lost”?” (that I wrote on 05/25/07) and a birth mother assumed that I was referring to a post that a fellow birth mother wrote( Jan Baker - Lost Children 6/20/07). The link provided in the post was to my article. I do understand that when others name the post close to the same title it can get confusing. This is something that tends to happen and I am sorry for that.

I don't think Jan's blog was telling you how to feel. From her writings, I know that she's very aware that not all adoptees feel loss and pain as a result of their adoptions. I haven't seen anyone try to tell you that your lack of these feelings is abnormal or wrong.

In fact, from here, it appeared that you were telling Jan how to feel about the "lost" issue.

I have never personally told any birth mother how to feel or have I questioned them on any of their post. It seems quite often that what I say is twisted and taken out of context. I do understand that some of what I share about the adoptees does make some in the adoption community uncomfortable. I am not here to support or share someone’s illusion of how adoption affects adoptees. I am here to provide a view by an adoptee through research, other's experiences and personal knowledge.

For the record, I have nothing against any birth mothers. When I write about reunions I have always stated to be honest and understand of a birth mother’ feelings. I try to show both the good and the bad. Maybe things that I have said are hitting close to home for some.

My agenda is to provide insight, to support adoption (which is MY right), not to color the issues, provide information so others can make informed decisions of their choosing and to let adoptees that do not fit the expectations that others have set know they are not alone. If you do not think some adoptees do not feel this way try read some in the forums.

I believe the strong feelings come from the thought that children that are given up for adoption may not feel as some birth mothers expect them to.

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

William Shakespeare

More reading:

The Line in the Sand

Sunshine and Lollipops