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This past week I had a discussion with a social worker who conducts home studies for a local adoption agency. We had a great discussion and one topic that came up was the situation where adoptive parents are not forthcoming with adoption information with their child. To me, it seems really obvious that adoptive parents should be as open as possible (using age appropriate language) with their children. However, there are obviously a lot of other people who don’t see it that way. The extreme end of this is when adoptive parents completely withhold the fact that a child is adopted. I really cannot even wrap my head around that. Not at all. Courtney discussed this topic in her recent blog entry.
As Courtney suggested, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor after reading the story in her post. This blows my mind on several levels – first is the fact that numerous studies have demonstrated the harmful effects of withholding this information from a child. The most basic, cursory research should convince any decent parent that it is not a healthy choice for their child. On a deeper level I believe this is a human rights issue. We all have a basic right to know the truth about our existence, our origin, our story. I simply cannot understand how any parent can find this choice ethical – let alone humane. Ok, perhaps because I am an adoptee I have an increased level of outrage but how can any parent think this is a good idea?
I think (hopefully) this complete denial of information is pretty uncommon these days. I do think it is somewhat common though for adoptive parents to withhold some amount of information. This can be a more nuanced issue as some parents feel that not all information is appropriate at a young age – and I totally agree. However, there are certainly ways to share information in an age appropriate manner, gradually revealing more specific details as a child grows older. The adopted child “owns” their life story and it should not be up to the discretion of a parent to withhold it. Again, this seem totally obvious to me but clearly there are others who disagree.
And this brings me to a story about a friend of mine who has two adopted children. She and I were friends in college and just recently reconnected (thank you facebook!). She knows that I am adopted and was excited to share the story about her children with me. She told me that her oldest son’s adoption is open and they have regular visits with her son’s birth mother. These visits often include the birth mother’s other parented children (the adopted child’s sibling). How lovely, I thought. But then she told me that her son does not know the woman is his birth mother – he believes she is just a family friend. And his birth siblings are also “just friends.” SERIOUSLY??? My jaw was on the floor. How could they have regular visits with his birth family and not tell him the truth about who they are. He is getting older and there is no way he will not make the connection soon (if he hasn’t already). She commented that her son looks exactly like one of his birth siblings (who is only 2 or 3 years older than her son). If I had to guess I’d bet this child already has some idea that there is more of a connection with these “family friends” than he is being told.
I had to think for a few days before responding to her email. I wasn’t really sure what to say or if it was even any of my place to tell her my opinion on her choice to flat out lie to her child. In the end I emailed and expressed how happy I was that they had an open adoption. And then I told her the story about how a member of my family had known the name of my birth mother my whole life but didn’t tell me until I was in my early 20s. I told her about how hurt and deceived I felt when I found out the truth. I was devastated that I had been lied to by this person (although this was a lie of omission where as my friend is flat out lying to her child’s face) and it took me a long time to get past it. Never lie about adoption. It is not a lie that can be maintained and at some point the child will feel betrayed.
I hope that she understood what I was trying to tell her. We’ve emailed since then but she hasn’t brought it up again. I hope she is thinking about what I said and how to introduce the information to her child. I hope she figures it out soon. In the end it is simple…never lie.
I must admit I also had to pick my jaw up off the floor. As an international adoptive parent of two, I was left scratching my head as to why they wouldn’t tell their children. Not only because I believe their is a responsibility to honor and celebrate their birth heritage, but because isn’t that building an entire relationship on a lie?
My oldest daughter is from Russia and she has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). The whole basis of RAD is that the “circle of trust” was broken at birth. My daughter was well taken care of in the Russian orphanage, but she had multiple caregivers. She learned very early that if she cried, no one would come, so she didn’t cry. She learned that the only person she could trust was herself. By not telling your child they are adopted, isn’t that just continuing the circle of mistrust?
Our oldest is from Russia, our youngest from Guatemala and both of them proudly tell everyone they know about where they are from. We proudly fly Russian and Guatemalan flags at our house. We celebrate their A-days and my husband and I have already started to discuss the possibility of taking them back to their birth countries as high school graduation gifts.
I realize that everyone has the right to make their own decisions on parenting. I don’t agree with their decision, but it’s not my place to judge. I just wish them luck and hope in the end it works out OK for everyone. Especially the child.
I understand where your friend is coming from. He’s the one that the bmom placed/”gave away”. Although I don’t agree with what she’s doing, you have to see the other side of the coin. She’s probably worried about her child’s self-esteem and self-worth. I know I did when I adopted my child ( he’s his bmom’s second child and she “kept” her first born). It’s very hard to tell a child that the bmom “loved” them so much and wasn’t able to parent them at that time, so they placed them, but “kept” the other(s). Children see things as contrite not abstract. Also,as an adoptee, I know ( based on my personality) that I wouldn’t have like to know ( until I was older and could understand) that my bmom had other kids before me-it sounds/feels like rejection. Maybe that’s what your friend is trying to avoid; her child feeling like a “reject”. Again, as an adoptee I can see this POV.
-Manni
Hi there,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I just want to play devil’s advocate and argue the other side of this. I was adopted and my parents didn’t tell me about it until I finished university. It was definitely shocking but I have to say I didn’t feel angry in the least. I was sad, and felt identity loss but not an ounce of anger or betrayal towards my parents.
Maybe I felt a little bit of betrayal by my birth parents (whom I still have not met) because of not knowing why I was given up in the first place.
I am glad my parents waited until they did to let me know I was adopted. I was given up at 3 months, lived in an orphanage until my parents were able to bring me home at 1.5 years old. I grew up not suspecting anything as they were the same ethnicity. But I am sure I would not have been able to handle the emotional turmoil if I was told when I was younger. After they told me and made sure I was alright, they offered to help me look for my birth parents. We are still looking but I was adopted in Asia and their record-keeping is not as good as it is in North America. We have found the social worker who was assigned to my case, but have hit a wall there. I was left in a box at the front door of an orphanage with no note, no contact info, no health info… I am thinking of posting newspaper ads in the city the orphanage is in, but can’t think of what else to do. Would you know anything?
Every story is different. I definitely do agree with you that an adoptee should be told. But as to when they are told, I believe the timing is different for everyone.
I was adopted at birth in the 50’s by parents who told me I was adopted from as early as I can remember. They never told me I was special because I was “chosen”. They told me about falling in love at first sight, and how lucky they were. My social worker (and later my brother’s social worker) became a family friend and visited our home socially until she retired and moved away. I always felt very rooted. I always understood clearly that my birth mother was in tough circumstances and did what was best for me at a terrible expense to herself. The one time I was teased and told that my mother didn’t want me, I beat the sh**t out of the kid, who was twice my size, with the help of my younger brother (also adopted) and a couple of my girlfriends. No one ever said that to either of us again.
I adopted my oldest abroad as a toddler almost 20 years ago during a civil war. It is funny how completely I understand my parents’ experience. I too fell in love at first sight, which I always tell her.
My daughter has some lasting trauma from losing her birth family at an early age, even though she has no conscious memory. I had several meetings with her birth mother and with the help of a translator we wrote down all the information we thought our daughter would need to understand why she was adopted. My father thoughtfully did a lot of research at the time of the adoption and copied several news articles so that my daughter would understand the terrible conditions that led her birth mother to find her a new family. She clearly understands that her birth mother made the decision out of love and to ensure that our daughter survived the civil war, economic collapse, food shortages and rampant disease which plagued the country at the time and for years.
Love alone is seldom enough to heal all wounds. But love, patience, honesty and a wonderful therapist have worked pretty well. My daughter is now in graduate school studying to be a mental health therapist (compassionate and very, very smart, but I love to brag). I have offered her the chance to travel to her home country. I know her home town and family names, in case she wants to meet them. It is not something she wants to do right now. Maybe someday. It is her decision.
Now if I can just survive my younger daughter’s adolesence…
I must add, my brother has always been more deft in handling the clueless than I am. People would frequently say to us “you are real brother and sister aren’t you” and when pressed would clarify they meant we had the same birth mother. I tended to look at them as if they had three heads and walk away. (Rudeness to adults had serious disciplinary consequences.) My brother, from the age of 8 or 9 would look at the offender with an expression of horror and say “How could you wish that one woman would go through that twice in her life?” The offender would always slink away in embarassment.