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Today a person asked me what it was like to find my birth mother. I had a good experience so I described what it was like and it wasn’t a very exciting or emotional story. The person seemed a little disappointed it was just a rather dull story about how we exchanged letters and then eventually met in person. For me it wasn’t like a light bulb was suddenly switched on and my life was magically changed. There was no sun breaking through the clouds, no music playing and no fireworks exploding in the sky. Real life isn’t like a Lifetime movie of the week – at least not my life. I think it is common for people who do not have a personal link with adoption to view it as it is shown on tv – either wonderfully perfect or absolutely horrible. The truth is almost always some where in the middle.
I wrote the above paragraph a couple of weeks ago and just revisited it today after reading a comment in response to one of my earlier blog posts. It made me step back and remind myself just how fortunate I was in seeking out my birth mother. Rachael, an adoptee, wrote about the response she got from her birth mother and the pain and frustration she is currently feeling. Juliedambra1 wrote about her request for contact:
She declined..I believe her exact words were “it was the most painful time in my life and I do not want to revisit it”…
It is easy for me to say adoptees should have realistic expectations but I’m speaking as a person who had an easy process. Every reunion (or lack of reunion) is so different – there is no predictable outcome. Some are undoubtedly painful for adoptees, for birth parents and, at times, even for adoptive parents. And some are relatively simple, like mine. If I had to guess I’d say that most are more difficult than mine.
There are steps that can be taken in preparation though. There are books and websites that provide an outline for pre-reunion preparation, guidance for initial contact and strategies for dealing with ongoing reunion issues. One of the bits of advice that I see over and over is that a knock on the door or an out of the blue phone call is not the best way to make first contact. For anyone considering that option please talk to other adoptees, read up on the topic and think about the long term goal you have for reunion. Remember that reunion is a process, not a single event. Many of the books and web support groups also discuss how to deal with difficult reunion situations. I think it is important to remember that the adoptee hoping for a reunion is not alone. There are many people who have done it and many who are planning it. Look to those people for support and guidance.
I have a problem I believe I am about to face soon: My adoptee sister’s adopted parents will give the truth to her in a “single event”. Earlier last year, she began questioning her identity as their daughter and began looking around for an answer amongst our relatives. Needless to say they took it negatively, shut out her contacts list by changing her contact number and refused to answer any of her questions. I heard from my cousin, her adoptive brother that she became withdrawn towards people at that time. I don’t think she will take it too well, and I am really worried. If you have any idea on what to do, please e-mail me at hyouinmaruzx@hotmail.com, thank you ma’am.