How does an adoptee include his or her adoptive and birth family in special events in his or her life without problems? I have been asked to address this issue. There is not a simple answer and it can vary with each family and event.

There will be major events graduation, marriage or birth of a child that you may want to include your adoptive and birth family. Hopefully, your adoptive family is somewhat accepting of your birth family. Maybe they are not friends with you birth family but they understand that your birth family is important to you and you want them in your life.

Talking with your adoptive parents is the first step. Explain to them that you would like to have your birth family attend your let’s say wedding and tell them how important this is to you. Also, talk with your birth parents about them attending your wedding. Talk and address any issues that may come up, like how will you and others introduce your birth parents, who will be in pictures, etc.

Involving your birth parents may lead to some problems. If you have a birth family that is struggling with personal issues like drugs, alcohol, or behaviors that can land them back in jail, you need to really think and be careful about their involvement with special events in your family. They may not mean to cause problem but these events can add stress in anyone and people struggling with their own issues may not handle the stress of the event well. You need to be up front with your birth family and state to them what you expect and will not allow. If they seem to have problems with what you say then it may not be a good idea to include them in this special event.