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Learning Difficult Information – Could it be Easier?
Learning Difficult Information From Adoptive Parents
This is why I, personally, I do not believe in a setting an age for when to tell adoptees the information. Remember we are not talking about discussing being adopted or other basic adoption information what adoptees should know from an early age. Some teens are more mature than their peers and could possibly deal with some difficult information. Do not ever lie or down play information to your adoptee when they ask. You can find a way to answer the questions without lying to her.
Now for a far different side of this is my adopted daughter. I have written about the dark secrets she will one day face. The few people (like less than a handful) that do know of her secrets share a different view than I have about her right to one day know her information. My husband has voiced some concern in sharing her horrible beginnings in this life but I have the trump card being an adoptee.
First, I do not think anyone’s goal to hurt an adoptee or, in this case, my daughter. It is more about knowing how painful it will be for this person you love. Being an adoptee, I am sure changes my views on my daughter knowing her information. While I know the type of pain she will one day feel breaks my heart and at times I just want to forget. In the end I know it is her information to know.
I do realize that I will be the person that shatters her dreams of her birth family and for a period of time she may be angry and extremely hurt by what I tell her. I know that I love her enough to tell her the truth and endure any feelings she may have towards me. Now I cannot tell you when I will share with her that her birth mother was a prostitute. There is no magical age to hear this. I will know when she is at a place in her life to handle this information and that is when I will tell her. Share information when adoptees ask is very important. Do not read of a long list of things off to the adoptee when they ask one simple question. Tell the adoptee when she is already to hear the information not when you may be ready to tell her.
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This has been a very helpful series. Our family adopted a little boy who was badly abused and neglected.
He came to us as a foster child at age 13 months, and was adopted a couple months past his 4th birthday. Because of this, we have a lot of first hand knowledge of his family, as well as many of the troubles that occurred.
We have struggled over how much to tell and when. He is just now, at age 10.5, beginning to comprehend what adoption means, and ask questions that are relevant and probing. Hearing your thoughts in the matter really gives us, as the parents, some much needed guidance. Thank you so much!
Good advice!!
- Faith
What I think is useful is first telling a child/teen about their mother’s life from when she was a little girl (if that’s possible).
My mother lost seven children to adoption or foster care. She had been prostituting at different times in her life (I don’t think it’s wise to say “your mother was a prostitute”).
When I learned how my mother had been put in an orphanage (she was put there by social workers when she was six), with her two brothers because their father had abandoned the family, and my grandmother was struggling to take care of her children.
My mother was told leave the orphanage when she was 17. She went to men – had kids, did not know how to parent – did not understand committment and responsibility – she was abused, raped and later developed a mental illness and a drinking problem. My mother was alone, with a grade eight education and no support – no role models, and no guidance. Three generations of women had at one time lived in the same orphanage.
My mother was also a friendly, artistic and funny person. She was beautiful and charming.
I think it is also good to hi-light a mother’s qualities – certainly she has a personality, attributes and positive aspects of her that her daughter or son would love to hear about. Little girls do not grow up dreaming of one day prostituting themselves for money and losing their children to adoption.
It’s mportant for adopted people to know how their mothers ended up a situation that allowed her child/red to be taken or surrendered to foster care or adoption. Perhaps her daughter or son will have compassion for her, which can make the sad side somewhat more understandable and bearable.
Great input, Shell. It’s important to remember situations are so complicated. We want our son, all of our children, to have empathy and compassion.
With the firsthand knowledge we have comes some firsthand emotional baggage as well. At times, it feels like a lot to balance. We’ll keep on plugging away at it tho.
This little boy is priceless beyond measure. He’ll have a lot of peace to make with his past. Much of it will have to be done after he has matured into an adult.