I have talked about some adoptees learning and dealing with painful secrets from their past. I shared my journey of learning my very painful dark secret from my past. Two questions were asked of me that I took the time to really think about them. These questions do not have an easy answer or would work with every adoptee’s situation. Every adoptee will probably have a very different opinion.

What could have been done differently to ease the pain of learning this information? Would it have been easier coming from your adoptive parents?

In my personal situation my adoptive parents did not have knowledge of this information so them telling me was not an option. If they would have known I believe that it would have been easier somewhat. The truth is, the pain will still be there along with feeling unbearable.

In my situation my birth mother is the only one that had control of how things would play out. Honestly, I believe she was trying to do what she believed to be right and her intent was not to cause me pain. I do not think this should have been thrown out there when first contact was made. Also, people (including adoptees) will ask you the questions that they want answered or when they can deal with the information. I believe that the beginning of a relationship may not be the best time to start sharing all of the dark secrets unless the person is point blank asking. It is hard to break and learn news from someone you truly do not know or have the foundation of a strong relationship to weather things. This can be a major stress factor on a new relationship.

How my birth mother beat around the bush concerning the information highly irritated me. My personality is,” Just tell me the truth!” straight and to the point. My birth mother does not know me so she did not have a clue how to talk with me about difficult things nor did she realize that I was completely overwhelmed to the point of shutting down.

Continued..........

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More reading:

Should Adoptee's Know Their Dark Secrets?

Adoptees and Dark Secrets

An Adoptee Living With a Secret of The Past

Adoptee: Raw Grief of Dark Secrets