Adult Adoptee Blog, Adopted Adult Blog - Is There Room for Both?

10/29/07

Is There Room for Both?

Posted by : Abby in Adoptee Blog at 09:57 pm , 395 words, 254 views
Categories: Adoption

Most adoptees want to know things about their past and their birth families, which is totally natural and understandable. Kind of like with the adoptee’s birth certificate before adoption, we feel we should have the right to it since it is also a part of our beginning. The beginning of our birth is part of us along with our adoption and everything in between. This is where the sense of you can be found. One side does not tell the entire story or give us all the answers. Our existence is from two different sources, that are different but in some ways very much alike.

Can we find a sense of self from our birth and adoption roots together without having to choose between the two? The two have existed because of us (adoptees) without one being more or less.

While it is said that some adoptees that change their adoptive names when they become adults to their birth names, and some adoptees call or refer to their adoptive parents as adopters, etc. I was wondering why the strong turnabout with these actions.

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If it is not about adoption issues that an adoptee may be feeling, then why does one feel the need to change the person you have become over the years by changing your name that has given to you when you were adopted? I am not talking about an adoptee that adds part of her or his birth name back to his adoptive name, to bring together two important parts of an adoptee’s life. This I do understand. But to undo the person you have become by changing your adoptive name, I think there is more to it.

Referring to your parents, the people that raised you as adopters, is a way to distance yourself, which clearly sends the message there is some underlying issue with adoption. To me it seems offensive to call someone an adopter just as it would to be to refer to the birth parents as birthers . Birth parents or really the birth mothers are more than just a person giving birth just as the adoptive parents are more than a person adopting.

We are who we are because of our journey in life and with our adoption.

More reading:

Changing The Adoptee’s Name When Adopting

Reality TV Birth Mother and Adoptee Reunion

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11 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: memees23 [Member]

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Permalink 10/30/07 @ 08:00

Comment from: Shell [Member]

I know a number of adopted persons who changed their name back to the name given by their mother and/or father.

Some have great relationships with their (found) mothers and families and feel more comfortable with their families than they they do their adoptive ones.

Practically every adoptee I know was not voluntarily relinquished by their mother. They were taken through coercion, forced by parents, society (and a society's lack of support), manipulated then adopted by people who could not have children of their own (at the time of adoption).

There's nothing "special" about adoption - it's not like the adoptee chose their adoptive family and asked to be taken and cut off from their parents, their name changed and the real one sealed by law (I've never uderstood how anyone can change a human being's name, when that human being has no voice to approve or disapprove; my adoptive mother kept the name my mother gave me, so when I met other adoptees whose names were changed I thought it was really weird.)

I know one man whose mother was told by the agency that her son had died at birth - she found him 30 years later and after a few years into reunion he changed his name to his original one.

The system of adoption did and continues to tear apart families so others can become "parents". When the adopted person discovers there was never any need to be permanently separated from their family - they see the truth and recognize the injustice done to them and their mothers, and taking back their name is making right that wrong by reclaiming their identity, people, and roots.

Permalink 10/31/07 @ 16:36

Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]

I am sorry, but you are deluded. I am not sure about the adoptees you have met with, but most of the ones I know weren't coerced into giving their children up. I do not believe that child molesters, parents that neglect their children, or drug addicts should be entitled to bring up their children. I believe these people have a choice to straighten up their life when they find out they are going to have children. They just didn't make the right choices, so they lost their children.

Children taking the names of the people that made those wrong choices is like slapping the people that loved them and took care of them for years. I think that is SO DISRESPECTFUL!!!!

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 22:42

Comment from: Shell [Member]

You obviously have no idea about the Baby Scoop Era. You have no idea about modern day coercion in adoption.

And I don't believe adopters that are child molesters, murderers and neglectful should be parents either. Just because someone adopts, does not mean their are a good parent. Have you heard of Masha Allen?

You may think it's disrespectful toward your adoptive parents to change your name, and that of course is your right. Nobody is judging you for not doing it, why do you care about those who do? It's nothing to do with how you live your life.

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 12:01

Comment from: ttate [Member]

I can't imagine changing my name to include my birth name, or refer to my parents as adopters. It would have devastated my parents; plus I've been married twice so my last name hasn't been my adoptive name in a long time. I do feel however, that not only can we, but we should integrate where we began with where we are now though. You cannot be whole without the entire picture. Access to our birth records is absolutely our right!

Permalink 11/07/07 @ 16:44

Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]

Shell:

No one is judging you, but you are missing the point. You are trying to ram your views down our throats. You might have experienced this, but you are so militant about your views that you keep so much hostility and bitterness on the surface of your life. I really think you need to deal with those issues without forcing your views down the throats of other people. No one is here trying to force their views on you. This is just a forum for views, opinions and ideas of adoptees.

Permalink 11/09/07 @ 10:43

Comment from: Shell [Member]

"This is just a forum for views, opinions and ideas of adoptees."

Exactly, and if one or more of those ideas doesn't fit with yours, you become full of bitterness and hostility.

Permalink 11/11/07 @ 16:22

Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]

That was my point about you!! I don't hate or hold any bitterness. I have come to terms with being adopted.

Permalink 11/14/07 @ 13:02

Comment from: patriciadischler [Member]

· http://www.patriciadischler.com

The range of feelings of adult adoptees is a reflect of the range of approaches to adoption by their adoptive parents. A child who is exposed to respect, understanding and love regarding being adopted gains a sense positive self-image - one they can hold on too and not feel a need to change as an adult. Children who are exposed to misconceptions, untruths and fears of their adoptive parents are left with an unstable self-image which they question as an adult. This is not to say it is intentional, most often the adoptive parents feel they are only protecting the child. But negativity is something children pick up on, and it affects them deeply. Even the most subtle signs, positive and negative, affect the child's self-image as an adult. I thank God that my son's adoptive parents passed on to him nothing but positive, respectful thoughts on who is was.

Permalink 11/15/07 @ 08:30

Comment from: Shell [Member]

Longing to know one's parents and from whom you inheritated your appearance, personality and so much more can also effect the way one views adoption or being adopted. All the love, understanding and respect given by a-parents does not necessarily mean an adopted person will grow up with a positive self-image.

There's no way to guarantee any human being will grow up with a positive self-image. Genetics and environment are always working together, but if you're adopted in a closed adoption, understanding the genetic facets of "self" is not possible.

Permalink 11/15/07 @ 21:03

Comment from: Shell [Member]

Many adoptive parents also feel threatened by an adopted child's family. They may not express their feelings in a negative way, but children also pick up on adults fears and insecurities. Often a child knows that the expectation is that they be the daughter or son of the people raising them - this can create a false sense of self and self-image, positive or otherwise.

Permalink 11/15/07 @ 21:24

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