This weekend I came across an interesting blog post that brought up an important issue. Should adoptive parents tell their children about the cost of their adoption? And how should parents explain it when it involved a discounted or special rate? As with most adoption related issues there is no right or wrong answer but as an adoptee I have strong feelings about this issue.
The heart of this issue is really the cost of adoption and that is a bigger topic than I can address in this blog post. There is plenty of info on this topic all over the web. However, I do want to talk about the practice of a single agency charging different fees for different categories of children. This typically happens with non-white and/or special needs children (and some agencies even classify non-white as special need). Fees can even break down based on the degree of “specialness” of the child. For instance, a biracial baby may cost more than a single race baby. I am very uncomfortable with this practice and am always surprised that so many people are willing to accept it.
Yes, there are arguments to be made on both sides of this issue. Intellectually I understand (although I do not necessarily accept) some of the reasons set forth to support this practice. However, every other part of my being says this is wrong. I believe that regardless of the intent of the adoptive parents this practice damages of the adoptee’s self esteem, self image and feeling of self worth. That damage can be mild or severe depending on the individual.
I think the only way this system of “discounting” certain babies will end is if adoptive parents stop participating in the system. There are agencies that have other fee structures that are not based on race or needs and, in my mind, are more ethical. The income based system assists lower income families to adopt, while taking in more money from those that can afford it. Any surplus can be redistributed within an agency’s budget to offset the lower cost some families will pay. Does this solve every problem? No. But explaining to a child that mommy and daddy (or any other variety of family) adopted you “based on our financial status” is a lot easier to explain than mommy and daddy adopted you because you were “cheaper than the other babies.”
And for parents that do adopt a child with a discounted fee, I think it is naive to think that this can be kept secret from the child. All adopted children grow up and as they do they will want more and more specific details about their story. If the adoptee does any reading or thinking about adoption (which is extremely likely) the issue of cost will come up. No, a 5 year old will probably not ask how much they “cost” but a 15 year old might. I think it is best to address this issue with the adopted child as they grow up – using age appropriate explanations. This can also be a perfect opportunity to discuss this issue in a way that can educate the child about inequality, discrimination and self-image, etc.
As I’ve written before about sharing a child’s adoption story, honesty and full-disclosure are essential. Most adopted children will eventually discover their full story. Isn’t it best to learn everything from the people that love them the most? That is definitely preferable to overhearing it during a discussion, finding about it on the internet or reading in some file years down the road.
How do others feel about this topic? I’d especially liked to hear from adoptees.
I was adopted & I am adopting right now. Hmmm. I never thought about this cost idea other than last year (I’m 37) I asked my mom how much it cost since I’m adopting now. She said $3000. I said ok. My thoughts on this though is: Costs seem to have gone up! Even if you know how much your adoption cost (which I do now)- isn’t everything else still just conjecture? Was $3000 a lot 36 years ago? I don’t know. Was I cheaper? I don’t know. Was I on sale? I don’t know. I didn’t even know some special needs are discounted then or now?
Though I can tell you right now – on paper it might seem that our family has means to pay for an adoption but I am really against paying MORE. I am really tired of people who have less ‘means’ always paying less! This is AMERICA. Seriously I WORK and have WORKED for every penny (well most of them) that I have and just because you are making less money you ‘deserve’ a cheaper adoption which I honestly equate to being ‘entitled’ to a discount?!
Actually me and kids talk about the cost of adoption all the time. My bio kids. I do say – we’re saving our money for baby sister. They are like WHY? I tell them it costs money for adoption. This is the only way we can have baby sister ok? They say oh ok. I guess when she asks I’ll tell her like my Mom told me. “Mom how much did my adoption cost?” Me: “I can’t remember but I think around $30k” What comes next? I don’t know. I’ll just answer truthfully. I would never select a child because it is cheaper and I don’t know that anyone ever else did! How much we paid has NO CORRELATION to why we adopted / plan to adopt.
Just my 2 cents.
I am wondering if this subject of “how much did I cost” is really a BIG concern for you (Or any adoptees) or just a subject of discussion. I am not adopted, but an adoptive parent. I plan to tell my adopted child she was free. I had to pay legal fees and for a lot of paperwork. I had to pay the agency that helped me find her. I had to pay travel cost (international adoption), translators, make a donation to her orphanage, etc. But nobody put a price tag on any of the children we considered adopting.
Yes the agency fees were less for older children or special needs and the government helps to pay for certain cost related to adoption of special needs children, but all of that has nothing to do with the child being worth less. The children are not discounted. The cost for placing an older child is less, so the agency charges less. Children with special needs are provided special government funding so families who adopt them are actually helping the government reduce the amount that the government would spend if the child remained under guardianship of the state.
This is not an automobile. There are no incentives for last year’s model or rebates for slower selling stock.
Sorry, adoption fees are not based on the value of the child, rather on the cost of the placement, agency over-head, legal proceedings, paperwork etc.
If you feel a more expensive adoption means the child is more valuable, let’s remove adoption from the discussion… Is a child conceived through IVF more valuable than one through traditional intercourse???
My response to your post would have been very similar to what “fluffycat100” had already written & I will have to agree with what “verdemar” wrote as well. I was adopted at the age of 5. Until today, the only other time that “cost” had ever even entered into my mind was over 40 years ago when I remember my adopted parents telling me, as a defense against the kids teasing me in kindergarten, saying that I was adopted because my parents did not want me, I was to tell them that I was in fact “picked” out where as their parents were stuck with them & that I had cost more then them & even more then their own other kids. Never said how much exactly, it was just “way more” with a lot of emphases put on it. It worked for me, one of the few things that never were an issue for me & I had so many. I can’t help but wonder that if your “strong feelings about this issue” maybe like “rooted” (for a lack of a better word) within you feeling inferior to. I get the impression you feel the need to be in defense of something that has only the value that you have put on it but morally worthy of none, Bottom line there are something’s that a price cannot be put on, for one are people. Anyways, I could be totally off base, hope I am cause if I’m not it just seems to me so sad. Unnecessarily, shallow, cheating yourself
I adopted siblings from fostercare and the state paid for the entire thing, home study, attorney, name changes. it all came to 10k for it. Privately is much more..
I gave a son up for adoption when I was 17, and never had any children of my own since. I adopted siblings in my fostercare..
I am the youngest of four adopted children. I was adopted in 1966 from Catholic Charities, my parents didn’t have a lot of money and CC only asked to be paid what they could afford. When cleaning out my parents house a few years back I found the documentation regarding my adoption. There was a check to CC for $400 and a letter from the lawyers that handled all four adoptions. It said, Merry Christmas, this one is free. Spend the money you would have given to us on Christmas for the kids.
I was old enough to laugh about the buy three get one free insinuation. I was really proud. Limited income, times were hard and they still knew they had the capacity to welcome and love one more. The lawyers knew it, Catholic Charities knew it and I hope I was able to express my gratitude to them before they passed.
Cost of adoption, I guess the story that you tell behind it is the key. The cost of taking a chance and raising anothers child is great no matter what the dollar amount associated with it equals. The worth of a child in a family is expressed everyday in things other then dollar signs.
I was adopted in the 1950’s. I was told that I cost $1,000.00. That was from my adoptive mother. This really should not have been told to me. Didn’t make me feel loved.