[Continued from HERE.]

I have read quite a few discussions concerning the "best" time to tell a child about his or her adoption, about books and videos and movies concerning “what it is like” or “what it means” to be adopted. There are countless recommendations, it seems, to constantly talk to adopted children about their having been adopted so that the lines of communication are open and they know it is ok to talk about it and to feel the way they feel.

All of these things are great, somehow, but as I have often said in other blogs, too much of a good thing can become a bad thing.

If my parents were constantly trying to have heart to heart talks about how I was feeling about being adopted or had I been given books about being different because I’m adopted, I am absolutely certain I would have had plenty of hang-ups about it.

The number one question asked me by kids my age that found out or already knew I was adopted was, “how does it feel to be adopted?” The only answer that I could ever think to give was, “Normal. How does it feel not to be adopted?” Normal.

By talking too much on any topic, especially when a concerned parent approaches a child, it makes that topic feel like it is a big deal. I think if I was constantly being reminded that I was adopted, and that being adopted made me “different” I would have definitely felt I was different BECAUSE I was adopted and not just because I was me. Ultimately it would have had the same impact as if the topic was tabu.

Additionally, if something is a big deal, then it is also a sure-fire way to get more attention. Let us not forget that children need loads of attention and are relentlessly clever in their manipulations to get it. Let there also be no illusion that a kid wouldn’t use adoption status to get special favors if they thought it would work. I know I gave it a go... well, not really, but I would always remind my parents what a “bargain” I was when I needed to borrow money... I don’t think the argument got me the money, but the laugh we would have together usually did.

My parents handled it all so well... they should be writing this blog, I think. What it seemed to boil down to in our family was that there is more than one way for a mommy and daddy to have a baby. My sisters were born the biological way, I was chosen the adopted way and both were good. The differences between us all were because we were all individuals, not because of the path we each took to be members of our family. It all just was an “is.”