Since my last two blog posts I’ve received several emails asking for advice on how to begin the search for a birth parent. I’m not an expert but I do have a few suggestions for starting this journey. First, I think it is important to think through why you want to search. What are you hoping to discover? Are you prepared for the range of possible outcomes? How much effort (and expense) are you willing (or able) to commit at this time? Talk to other adult adoptees about their search (or decision not to search). These may be difficult issues but they are better addressed at the beginning of the journey rather than down the road. Starting a journal may be a good way to gather your thoughts and then you can continue to journal as you go through the process. And for non-journalers (I know you are out there) create a folder or notebook and jot down some notes. This journal can be your anchor as you navigate your search. When you are frustrated or confused go back and re-read the entries to remind yourself why you started this journey in the first place.
The next step should be to write down every bit of information you already have. This can be information from any paperwork you or your parents have, but also write down things you were told over the years. Most of us have heard our adoption story from our parents over and over. Write it down. Ask them to you tell you again. If you have siblings or other relatives that have knowledge of when you first came home ask them as well. There may be information that is useful to you that you don’t remember or were never told. All this information may yield nothing new but it can’t hurt to ask and it will focus you on the task ahead. I realize not everyone may be comfortable talking about searching with people in their lives. If not, still write down all the information you currently have.
If you have access to any of your paperwork read through it carefully. It is a good idea to make multiple copies of this material. This paperwork may contain decrees, descriptions or non-identifying information. If you do not have any of these papers you will need to contact the agency that placed you and/or your local, county or state social services department. In a future post I will spend more time discussing how to get your non-identifying information. Fortunately, there are many great resources on the internet to guide you in your search. One useful resource is Shea’s Search Series.
I have a good friend who searched about a decade ago. She approached her search in a very deliberate manner. She mapped out every possible twist and turn and what actions she would take. I was impressed with her focus – especially because this was not typical of her personality. She was successful in her search. Reunion was more challenging, likely in part because she no longer had control of the process. Despite the outcome, she showed that having a sound plan and determination are key.
