The mothering instincts that we have as any kind of a mother are life long and never ending. We all can remember a time when our own mothers told us something that we knew. Our mothers knew that we knew, but it is that mothering that just kicks in. I think we all can recall saying or hearing “Yes, mother I know that. You tell me that all the time.”

With my experience and talking to other adoptees about their experiences, I learned that this can become an issue with reunions. In the minds and hearts of the birth mothers, the adoptee is that child or baby that the birth mother gave up. The adoptees do not see themselves like this.

This is a natural thing for a mother to want to mother her child. With adoptees, this can be a dangerous thing for both the adoptee and birth mother. Most adoptees do not go looking for a mother so when those motherly instincts do appear, there can be problems. To an adoptee, it may seem that the birth mother wants to pick up the role of mother.

For the birth mother, it maybe a natural response to a child that you gave birth to. The mothering thing can send many messages to an adoptee. I do not believe that this is the intent of the birth mother.

Many adoptees want a relationship with their birth mothers but not all want the birth mother in the mothering role. This is where things can get very uncomfortable, and problems can appear.

The adoptee’s intent is not to cause her birth mother pain nor is it the birth mother's intent to cause pain. When an adoptee cannot give the birth mother the relationship that she desires, it can create problems quickly. Some birth mothers have found the balance to their desires and what the adoptee can live with.

In a reunion, it is important to be up front about your hopes, desires and boundaries whether you are an adoptee or birth mother. Talk with your birth mother about what she wants out of this reunion and what can she live with. Do not allow her to think something is a possibility when you know it is not. You may not want to hurt her feelings, but if you are not honest in the beginning, it can lead to so much more pain.

Related article at adopting.org:

A Road Called Reunion

Adoption Search blog can also be a good source of information.