Adult Adoptee Blog, Adopted Adult Blog - Expectations of an Adoptee

06/24/07

Expectations of an Adoptee

Posted by : Abby in Adoptee Blog at 07:39 pm , 355 words, 154 views
Categories: Our Families, Us, the Adoptees

How should an adoptee feel and react is something a lot of people have their own ideas about? It seems there is some unknown and unseen (to us - adoptees) map that everyone else knows all about that states what path in life an adoptee should take, how we should feel, and what we should say.

It is like if some adoptees do not fit in this image then there is something wrong with them they are not the “normal” adoptees. The dynamics of every adoption is different and not every adoptee will fit in the image of an “adoptee” that is out there.

It is so easy to project our thoughts, beliefs, needs, and desires on to others. In the post “Are adoptees “lost”?” it is projected by some birth mothers, some adoptees, and others that adoptees are “lost” but the reality is that is not how all adoptees feel or view themselves this way. I find it is strange that people feel that it is okay to imply that an adoptee’s feelings are wrong just because they do not fit into someone else image

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Why do some people become upset and defensive when an adoptee is different in some way to what others believe we should be? Do the expectations that others have for adoptees make them feel better about adoption? I believe it can be easy for people to set their own expectations for adoptees rather than deal with their own feelings and grief.

It is quiet strange when an adoptee does not fit into the expectations that others have set but the problem is with the adoptee not the expectations. When adoptees are at peace with being adopted and do not seem to have ongoing issues because of adoption then they must be in denial. If adoptees do not choose to search or reunite with their birth families then they must also be in denial. If adoptees do not have an “ideal” birth mother or father and the “picture perfect” reunion as the general expectations are, then they are exception.

More reading:

Reunions Not Always the Same

Sunshine and Lollipops

4 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Heather Lowe [Member]

· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/

I don't think Jan's blog was telling you how to feel. From her writings, I know that she's very aware that not all adoptees feel loss and pain as a result of their adoptions. I haven't seen anyone try to tell you that your lack of these feelings is abnormal or wrong.

In fact, from here, it appeared that you were telling Jan how to feel about the "lost" issue.

Permalink 06/25/07 @ 13:53

Comment from: AdoptionBlogs Editor [Member]

· http://editor.adoptionblogs.com

I've grown to understand that people see a reflection of their own reality. While a birth mother may see her child as lost to her, that child may grow up in their adoptive home feeling quite well-adjusted and secure in who and where they are. But neither can be blamed for feeling the way they do.

Our feelings are our own and, for the most part, will not be changed by someone else. We do need to acknowledge other's feelings but never must we involuntarily accept another's feelings as our own reality.

While birth parent bloggers may refer to their children as "lost" those children may never feel lost at all. That doesn't diminish the loss felt by the birth parent.

Permalink 06/25/07 @ 14:50

Comment from: John [Member]

Heather, Jan,s post was quite clear. Your own comment to Abby on another post was even clearer. Your need to classify children placed for adoption as 'lost' simply outranked Abby's sense that she and other adoptees may not feel lost at all. You closed by saying that you would continue to use 'lost', the feelings of the adoptee didn't matter, even though they were the ones you were classifying as lost. John

Permalink 06/25/07 @ 16:46

Comment from: mathrice [Member]

I may not be as unique as one might think, however, being both an adoptee and a birthmother, *lost* is easy for me to understand. I wasn't one of the luckier "chosen" ones...I always felt I didn't fit in with my adoptive family, or my stepfamily, or my foster parents. I always felt like I belonged somewhere else. This is common among adoptees. It is common to ruin holidays (birthdays)...why would you want to celebrate the day you were given up? On the other hand, on my son's, whom I relinquished to adoption, birthday, I always remember him (not only that day, every day) and hope that he DID get to be one of the lucky "chosen" ones. I will not know this unless he searches for me, as I will not search for him due to the fact that he may or may not know he is adopted. That was 26 years ago...my information is out there for him to find me, and I always update it, but for me to locate him, I know, could turn out to be a travesty. Believe me, I located and found a few birth family members and it wasn't helpful at all in my case. I envy the ones who get to reunite and continue to be reunited...we're not all so lucky, but I think a good many of us are "Lost".

Permalink 06/27/07 @ 05:00

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