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It’s been said to start at the very beginning as it’s the very best place to start which is clearly solid advice. My name is Lisa B and I’m elated to join this already robust community as one of your new bloggers focusing on both adoptee perspectives and adoption searches. My life and resulting world view has been actively shaped by my experiences as an adoptee who was relinquished at birth through Catholic Charities to loving parents who never hid that fact from me. I’ve always known that I was adopted and it was as natural to me as sliced bread, walking and my own blue eyes in the mirror. Many of the friends my parents were closest to during my childhood were the couples that they met while waiting to adopt me: this caused me to believe, as a small child, that everyone was adopted. It seemed reasonable to me as a kid that some mommies had babies that they might need to give to other mommies to raise. Obviously, I learned pretty quickly that not everyone saw the world this way.
Over the next few months, I hope to facilitate a space where you will feel comfortable sharing your own experiences, learn to see something in a way that you may have never considered, and explore subjects that adoptees share in common, most notably: sense of self, abandonment, searching, attachment, expectations, fantasies, and fears. In the companion Adoption Search blog, we will examine motivations for searching, tools for searching, best practices, state-by-state resources, and various search experiences including my own. After twenty years of searching, I located both of my birth parents through a serendipitous twist-of-fate and have had a very positive outcome on all sides of the triad. In both blogs, I’m really looking forward to your stories, your opinions, your perspectives and your topic ideas. The more we share our lifestories, the less “mysterious” adoption will be for everyone!
On a personal note, my husband and I are zookeepers for a menagerie of three dogs and three cats with a magnet for strays that apparently extends in a 15 mile radius from our home in Houston, TX. A university administrator by day, I’m an avid reader of anything paranormal, intrepid junker, thrift store diva, amateur sleuth and interior design consultant to my neighbors by night. Having grown up in upstate New York and relocated to Houston after college twenty years ago, I’m always on the lookout for new and interesting places to explore with gregarious, fascinating people to chat with. This community represents the widest audience of opinions and stories that I’ve ever been blessed to be a part of and I am truly excited to get to know all of you better!
Photo Credit: 2009 LisaB.
Abby,
Thank you so much for blogging on this “Thing of ours-Adoption” my way of comparing my own unique, special yet ‘nothing weird’ way of my accepting my own story. To me adoption as a five year-old Korean Half-Breed War Baby was the best thing that could have happened to my sister and I. There are a few Korean adoptees who had very bad life experiences that have seemingly taken over the cyberspace with negative stories. I have been living in Korea since 1995, teaching English and very involved with Adoption Issues. I just started blogging last May so I have much to learn. Reading just two of your entries encourages me to learn from you and post stories from “Happy Adoptees”. I hate to use the term but there is so much in media, film, blogs, etc. Most of it seems negative. Here in Korea returning adoptees are faced with guilt ridden Koreans who are ashamed that they as a people gave them up for adoption. Please check my blog at http://koreanwarbaby.blogspot.com and give me any advice you might have for me to improve. I want to bring people together and see all sides, hear from everyone in this complex thing of ours, Adoption.
Don Gordon Bell
koreanwarbaby
I am the mother of two children via adoption. My oldest, a daughter,7 mo. old,is now 35. My son was 5 mo. old and adopted through the local social services. He is bi-racial (black/white) and is now 32. As an adoptive mother I am so glad to see postive things written about adoption. It was the best thing to ever happen to me in my life! These two wonderful children were a gift from loving, selfless, caring parents who wanted the best for their children. I have always instilled in my children that this is the case. That their adoption was done out of love on both sides. I used to tell them when they were smaller and needed a more simple explaination of their arrival to me, that I was a mother who needed a baby very much and they were babies who needed a mother. I also use this to people who have questioned me over the years about the whys and hows of mixed race/out of country adoption. I always hope it makes some sense to them and simplfies the reason a person would seek such a way to make a family. Believe me I have many stories about how people have viewed my little family. Thankfully we have little to no remarks now….either that or we have become imune to looks, etc. My son came with a little baby book of sorts that told of his likes and dislikes, play and sleep habits, etc. It was much appreciated and made it easier on both him and me! I send caring thought to you who have written of your adoptions in a positive way….you are results of caring,loving people on both sides of the spectrum. I would look forward to any coments or thought from you.
Dear Lisa,
I hope this email will not be an imposition in any way. I am a graduate student in clinical psychology who has been working on dissertation completion for four years now. My project inquires about the experience of adoptee/biological family reunions upon the adopted persons’ sense of self. This interest emerged from my work with foster children and my dearest friend’s experience of adopting her first child. This is not simply a clinical study for me. Rather, it is based upon my desire to determine the psychological importance of the reunion so that I may make informed choices in regard to working with foster and adopted children. The road to completion has been long as it is difficult to find adults who are suited for this work and willing to help out with a small amount of their time. If you are interested or have any feedback that may help me access participants I would truly be grateful! Upon securing an adequate amount of participants (80 to 100), I will be making a lump sum donation to a non-profit agency that supports adoptees. I welcome suggestions regarding a deserving recipient!
The following is a description of my work and the requirements of each participant. Thank you for taking the time to read this email. Best wishes! ~Kimberly
The purpose of the study is to evaluate the potential impact of contact between adoptees and their biological relatives. Contact may include written correspondence, telephone communications, or face to face reunion. For the purposes of this study, a relative is considered a biological parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, or grandparent. If you decide to participate, I will send to you three questionnaires that will take approximately 20 minutes to complete. A self addressed, stamped return envelope will also be included. Any information that is obtained will remain confidential and you will be offered information regarding the results of the study once all data has been collected and analyzed.
Please contact Kimberly N. Johnson at (510)898-8024 or knj1275@hotmail.com if you are interested or would like to obtain further information regarding participation.
I found my biological family in March 2008. It’s helped me so much with my self esteem and many other aspects of my life. I, too, grew up knowing I was adopted in a very loving family. I just had that need to know urge. It was worth the 17 yr long search. It had ups and downs but I wouldn’t trade my new family for anything. IMO, reunions can be so beneficial for all of those involved. I consider my adoption/reunion a fairy tale bc it’s gone so well. My heart goes out to those who have different outcomes.
If anyone wants to know more they can email me at rmssnowdrop@yahoo.com or check out my blog at http://rmssnowdrop.blogspot.com
I found out I was adopted when I was almost 17, and I found out that my adoption never went through a few months before my 18th birthday…it’s been a little problematic. In a way I’m glad I didn’t know; but at the same time it would have been better for me. My adoption was arranged by my biological grandmother. She found out her daughter (my biological mother) wanted to give up another child (I was number 3) and wanted to know that her grandchild would go to a good family. Genetically, I’m german/scott/irish…but I was raised to believe I was hispanic. (I still refuse to admit that I’m not “really” latina) It was easty to convince me of that because my father is half german and my siblings were light skinned themselves. I was more upset that I was lied to abouy my ethnicity than anything. I spent all those years fighting and defending myself as a chicana and not a “fuckin’ white girl” (pardon my language). The second hardest part was learning that I had 7 other siblings out there, 5 of whom didn’t know anything about me.(It also made me paranoid to date anyone younger than me lol). I never once hated my parents for not telling me. My mother explained her reasons and I whole heartedly understand. I wanted to hate my biological mother but I can’t. She did the two best things she could have done for me. She gave me life, then gave me to a family that would take care of me and love me and give me the life she couldn’t. I’ve met Bobbi (my biological mother). We get along rather well. I’ve also met my oldest sister, and my two youngest siblings (she kept them). I’m still searching for my father, my second oldest sister, and the 3 children between my brother and I. I also met my cousins and aunts and most importantly my grandmother (Bless her soul). She was my backbone through it all. Well, I think I’ve typed enough on my story lol.
Crystal H
p.s. If anyone knows of a possible way I can find the “missing links” that are my famiy contact me at crystal.ann.hollenbeck@gmail.com
I was adopted practically before I was born. My birth mother and grandparents met with my now adoptive parents and immediately hit it off. They decided to have an open adoption and I have been very close to my birth mothers family my whole life. I consider her parents my grandparents. She had two boys after me once she got married and I have always considered them to be my brothers. Although I don’t live with them, they will always be part of my family. Some may be wondering where my birth father fits into this. Him and my birth mother were young and not married when she found out she was pregnant with me. He was in college and a couple years older than her, so he felt like it would be a burden since he was starting his career. He left my birth mother and only told his mother and father about me. No one else in his family knew about me. He didn’t want anything to do with me and he told his mom not to contact me. I barely know anything about him. Only his name and that his family is Italian. Him and his parents were both born in the U.S. though. We send his parents a christmas card every year, so I assume they receive them. I am now 17 and want to contact my birth father. But I am scared that he will reject meeting me. I don’t really know what to do. If anyone has some advice for me please let me know!
Emnuttall,
Wow, where to begin. I was adopted from Korea in 1956 to the USA(Save you the long story-go to my blog) but I also ‘fathered’ two children as a young man when I lived in the Philippines. If you knew my story you would see that I was fortunate to meet my daughter and her adoptive Father, her real Dad. Through the years we have maintained contact.
As I grew older I DID change and even though in the past your birth father did not want contact, perhaps through his parents you might write a letter to let him know your feelings and desire to know about him. I would just let him know that you don’t blame him but are curious. Yes, he might continue to reject you but at least you tried. He might change, anything can happen. I tried many times to find my Korean mother even after living here 14 years. Only this year I was able to get on Korean Television. Only 2.7% of the 75,000 Korean Adoptees who have returned to the motherland have found birth family members.
What is so important for you to remember is who you are, unique and special, one of a kind. Most of us, men, enjoy the fun but run from the responsibilities. I punished myself with guilt, only later when I had a vasectomy so I would not produce any more children.
One thing you should not do is ‘force’ a meeting if he is not willing. Many Adoptees seem to think it is their right to get birth certificates with both father and mother’s names and search for them without finding out if they want. This leads to bad ‘reunions from hell’ in most cases. I believe that to be fair a ‘go between’ person is best. Have you sent pictures of yourself? That might get his attention! Good luck, but remember, You are WHO you are…don’t expect too much, but hope for a little. Let me know what happens.
Don Gordon Bell