I have heard many triad members state this about an adoptee, “She grew up or turned out to be the person that she would have been if her birth family, or I (referring to birth family member) had raised her.” I find this a very strange remark for a number of reasons.

How can anyone make a statement about how an adoptee would have turned out if she had been raised by someone else? I think this refers heavily on the genetic make up of a person. Parenting is so much more than about one's genetic make up. Children and adults prove this every day.

If children did not need someone to parent them, there would not be the need for more foster homes. If children could just rely on their own abilities or the genetic make up of what kind of adults that they will grow into, what is the real purpose of parenting? When children grow up with a parent that was abusive to them, is it a given that without a doubt these children will repeat the lives of their parents?

Most foster children do not always start with good parenting and their genetic start due to the parents using drugs and/or alcohol during conception and while the fetus is forming can be problematic. Some foster children go on to adoptive families where parenting becomes a major component in their lives for the better.

As an adoptee this is no difference in parenting an adopted or birth child for the most part. A parent teaches a child about life from the beginning, to all the ups and downs that come with life. A parent teaches a child compassion and understanding of others, life and understanding of ourselves. The love of life, arts, children, nature, animals and mankind are things that children experience through their parents.

As children (in most cases), we become the adults that our adoptive parents raised us to be. In life, babies or children have the fibers of life (coming from genetics and birth parents) that only are just pieces but with adoptive parenting weaving the fibers together with love and parenting that makes an adult. Without the weaving, you would just have splintered fibers.

Think about foster children in this context. Children 8 or 9 years old that have not had the weaving, are just fibers waiting to be woven together. Fibers are delicate and cannot handle a lot of neglect without suffering major damage. Children can be just like this and they may need extra time and help so that their fibers can be repaired.

Other posts to read:

Can an Adoptee Grow up to be Happy?

Not Two Peas in a Pod: Angry Adoptee

Not Two Peas in a Pod: Happy Adoptee