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The image of adoption being second best in so many ways is a reality. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this personally or in a conversation concerning adoption; someone says after finding a person is adopted or parenting through adoption says, “So, you couldn’t have children of your own (makes some reference to fertility issues). A reader left a comment on one of my posts referencing to this every thing. Not all adoptive parents adopt because they cannot have children of their own. While couples do look at different options when they learn they are unable to have children I do not believe for the most part they view adoption as settling. Granted people, I do realize that there are people including some adoptive parents that feel this way, but I am talking about the larger picture not just a few.
When adoptive parents share their news of adoption with others, and the general public, sometimes people seem unsure what to say or how to react. Really, what is the difference for a person to share the news they are adopting, or that they are pregnant? In my mind there should be no difference, it is the same happy news. It is about life, love and a family growing so, does it really matter how?
Growing up, I was never made to feel like I was second best (that is by my parents). If someone was rude with remarks which sadly will and still happen in this day and time, my mom would quickly put them in their place showing me that is was completely untrue. My dad on the other hand was quite different. His attitude was, “I dare someone to say that you are not our kids.” My dad is quite the big guy and when mad, he can seem very intimidating and, people usually apologized. Has a child, when I heard peoples’ remarks about adoption, you cannot help but think about it.
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We’re adopting as a choice and not due to infertility, and this confounds some people when they find out. They struggle to understand why we would adopt if we could have bio children. It’s frustrating that popular opinion seems to be that adoption is used either (a) as a second option where bio is not possible or unsafe, or (b) to complete a family. We’ve chosen to build our family through adoption, and unfortunately where we live the rules and processes are not set up well for people in our situation.
my adoptive parents didnt want a child they wanted a slave
My adoptive parents couldn’t conceive children of their own. I had feelings of being second best citizen. Some people said try to find your natural parents. I won’t say finding my natural parents cured my second best feelings. Just opened up my life to other experiences.
I actually was a participant in an opposite, flawed mindset. I confess that I am ex-adoption supremacist.
I am an adult adoptee. When I disclose this piece of information, people often ask me questions about having “a child of my own” and if that will, in essence, complete something inside me.
I’m not saying it wouldn’t. But I think I was responding to that mentality when I would tell people that I would carry a biological child if that’s the way things happened but I much preferred adopting my children.
As a response to that “adoption is a great alternative” hoopla, I became part of the problem when I elevated adopted children above biological children.
I thought about my future kiddos and thought about my biological child feeling marginalized. I recognized the reverse discrimination.
These days, when people ask questions like that, I just say, “I can’t wait to meet my kids.”