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The most hurtful thing that brought home the feeling of second best, or really not even being that, was when I saw a copy of my family tree that other family members had done. I get to the page that my personal family information was on, and there is my name and my sister’s name with the words “adopted” beside them. This happened when I was maybe early twenties (yes, I know it was a long time ago) but still to this day it really brothers me.
I was completely shocked to see that I was not viewed as a member of the family or a person but as “adopted”. That day I learned that the word “adopted” also carried an ugly meaning. To me it seemed like a disclaimer of sorts to people that I was not a blood member of this family. I felt so violated, rejected and wounded when I saw that. I was mad, but more like outraged, to see that we mattered so little. I wanted my name completely taken out of the family tree. If you cannot accept me without disclaimers then do not bother. My mom did not understand my feelings about this. She thought I was overreacting about it all. It was just for the records of history, not how people felt.
Here is the funny thing. On that side of the family, my aunt got pregnant and found a guy to marry her and father her child. Strange how that did not show up on this glorious self righteous family tree, the person listed as his father is not of blood. So, how can it really be about just for the records? Honestly, okay for one, but not the other? My mom refused to tell them to take my name off of it. Maybe this is when I started to see that my mom viewed her biological and adoptive children differently.
Either a child or adult is viewed as an adopted member of the family, or just a member of the family. It cannot be both ways. In my mind, my family tree is no different than others and does not include any disclaimers.
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Reading your entry brought back a memory I had forgotten about. I too, remember looking at the family tree and seeing that everyone was listed as “born” followed by their birth date except for my brother and I who were listed as “adopted” followed by our birthdates. It felt like a knife to the heart. Was I not born? I was a teenager who was already struggling with identity issues and seeing that was further proof that I didn’t belong. That wasn’t the day I was adopted, it was the day I was born. I was adopted months later. I told my parents but they too kind of blew it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but it was. They were great parents in every other way. People just need to realize that things that seem small are really big when it comes to adoption. I hope that all adoptive families in the future will be more sensitive to that. It would have made a difference to me.
I guess this goes to show how different people experience the same things differently. I am an adopted person who is interested in genealogy. I find that most genealogists put “adopted” into family trees to indicate that a child did not originate with that family and I put that in my own family tree by my own name. It doesn’t make me feel like less a member of my family. It just shows blood lines. It’s not a big deal to me at all.
This entry immediately brought up some buried stuff for me too. Although I’ve done enormous amounts of work on myself regarding adoption, it proves to me there is still a way to go. My adoptive mother is into geneology and the tree shows my brother and myself as adopted.
Like you and the other comment above, when I asked her about removing it, she said I was being oversensitive and it was important for people to know in the future.
But when I questioned why she didn’t write illegitimate next to the names of those children born out of wedlock in previous generations next to them, she became angry and told me that was absurd. I couldn’t and cannot see why this should be considered strange if labels are going to be fixed. All this happened a long time ago , but it shows that even the people who were involved in the whole adoption process don’t necessarily have any understanding of what an adoptee goes through.
I too am listed in my family tree as ( Adopted)..the funny thing is that the family died out and I am the last living member of the line there..and it continues with my children..but genetically the family that started the tree is gone..poof. Just a funny aside..but back to the subject. The reason my mother gave me for putting adopted next to the names of the ones who were not genetically linked to the famuly was so that if someone was trying to find a link to some genetic trait or illness..ie cancer they didnt have to go farther in that line..I know how it feels to see that adopted next to my name..but on the family tree they did list illegitimate next to other members who were born out of wedlock..so I did consider that they were at least being fair. But again..for me..what does the old tree matter…I am the last. lol..and my family goes on..I guess I get the last laugh.
I am also adopted and I feel as if I would want to be showed as adopted on a family tree. I a proud of being a adopted and in my family it makes me special. I think that if we were to have a family tree and I was put as adopted it would be to try and maybe find other relatives, like the two sisters I know about otherwise I probably wouldn’t have such a good chance of finding them.