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Continued………
She goes on about seeing my daughter, and that she lives close to my apartment, how she wants to help me with the baby, then steamroll right into my birth mother, and her feelings about my daughter, that she has also being calling the hospital for updates on her, she cannot wait to see her, and on and on. I panic, they seem so obsessed with my daughter. What do they want? I am scared out of my mind at this point and hand the phone to my husband. A few days ago I’m fighting for my life, the life of my daughter and now some strangers were barging into my life. The phone continued ringing and even from other birth family members. I ended up calling my dad and he called my aunt that knew my birth family and told them to leave me alone or else. I did learn that a woman had been calling the hospital claiming to be my daughter’s grandmother every night getting updates, which was my birth mother. I felt so violated, wronged, and used by my birth mother because of her actions.
This would make many adoptees scared out of their mind. To be rushed from all sides by strangers acting like they knew you and had a claim to your baby was too much to deal with. Forming a relationship with an adoptee should be just that, not a claim one might think they have on a grandchild. The intense feelings this can cause is unimaginable. If contact is going to be made from the birth family, it should come from the birth mother in a non threatening way. The more people involved is more problems to deal with, and can be too much for a person to handle..
If you are not in a place in your life to deal with contact from your birth mother, it is okay. Your birth mother should understand that you may need time to deal or process her contact or the events going on in your life. The only way contact can be successful with your birth family is if you are ready for it. Do not feel pressured into having contact that can lead to some major hard feelings and issues down the road. The time for contact has to be right for all parties for it for it to be successful.
Abby,
I am a birthmother who has spent a lifetime grieving for the son my parents forced me to place 36 1/2 years a go. (We have been in reuinion for 16). In spite of my pain, I cannot imagine behaving as your birth family did. However, I want to be quick to point out that self-centered, inconsiderate behavior can occur on any side of the triad (adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents); one group of people doesn’t have ownership rights to lousy behavior. Your story illustrates the importance of sensitivity and respect for boundaries by all.