Adoptees, Birth and Adoptive Parents and Everyone Else - Coping

The needs and desires of birth parents can add to an already stressful situation with even trying to get to know them and develop an ongoing relationship. Some birth mothers, who are dealing with privacy issues, do not want to discuss or have adoptees involved with the birth fathers. Refusing the adoptees the birth father connection can be very hurtful to adoptees. When birth parents desire the parental role, or connection, it is hard for both parties. Birth parents connect, and remember what the adoptees were like when they were placed up for adoption. Maybe to some point, they envision the adoptees with the kind of relationship that they would have liked to have had during our entire lives.

For some adoptees this one can be a” doozy”. For the most part we do not have the memories that birth parents have, some us do not feel the parent connection. Time cannot be made up for in any way. Forget the past, it is like forgetting where the adoptees have been and their experiences. I know this has been a major problem in some adoptees’ relationships with their birth parents. The past is the reason I am the person that I am today by wanting to forget my past is forgetting me. Some adoptees do not desire the birth mother to be a parental figure or relate to them in that way. This should not be a deal breaker but it is in a lot of cases.

Most adoptees can and do forgive and accept being placed up for adoption. Overall acceptance is another whole deal. Birth parents that have lived in negative situations should not expect the adoptees to accept all of their bad choices in life, (abuse, drugs, men, alcohol, and in some cases not putting their children first). Allowing the adoptees time to adjust and accept what kind of relationship they are willing to have at that time can be a critical step in the relationship.

With society it is a” lose- lose” situation for adoptees. For the adoptees the views that society places on us are just too much to deal with and a heck of a lot of pressure.

When some adoptees do not have the ideal birth parents, or the ideal start in life, or the same feelings that other adoptees have concerning adoption issues or the happy reunion it is not okay to say they are the exception. This can seem like a slap in the face. When the truth is exactly the opposite, there are a number of adoptees coming for troubled past.

More reading:

Are adoptees “lost”?

Adoption Good or Bad?

How to Work Through Your Feelings