Adult Adoptee Blog, Adopted Adult Blog - Adoptee: What to Call Who?

07/25/07

Adoptee: What to Call Who?

Posted by : Abby in Adoptee Blog at 07:59 pm , 415 words, 224 views
Categories: Adoptive Parents, Birth Family, Our Families, Us, the Adoptees

In the grand scheme of things in adoption, is the title that you want others to call you so important. Is the title for the general public to call you or is it for the adoptee? By the way I have never been crazy about the title adoptee. Truthfully this is the only place I refer to myself or even others as adoptees. The title adoptee is what it is.It is just a way to identify a person that has been adopted nothing more or less. Seriously, I cannot see myself introducing myself as Abby the adoptee.

Using the title, "first mother", seems kind of strange. Would you also call your spouse my 2nd or 3rd spouse and your children 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th child? Should we call our stepmothers 1st, 2nd or 3rd? Calling a spouse, children, etc by the title 2nd or 3rd anything would seem to be a slap in their face. Can you imagine me calling my dad’s wife by 3rd stepmother?

When an adoptee child is conceived with a donor egg in a surrogate mother, and then adopted by another mother how does that work? Would they be called 1st, 2nd and 3rd mother?

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I wonder why some birth mothers do not like being referred as this? Do we in adoption really need a title saying we are first or better? When there are two mothers in the picture one is referred to as 1st or natural mother, is the other one left to be 2nd or unnatural mother? Same can go with adoptive mothers if they choose to call themselves chosen or real mother. That would seem that the birth mother was not chosen or unreal mothers.

Most adoptees refer to their birth mother with that title when talking about her. I ran on a post awhile back where adoptees shared that they called their birth mother. Most adoptees address their birth mothers by their first name. A few did say they called their birth mother by mom or mother. I do not see the problem calling birth mothers just that. I do not see it as any way less than or way to make less of birth mothers.

I wonder if the title for others is more about the sense of placement to the adoptee.

There would be no adoptees without birth mothers.

More reading:

You can call me ...?

Mom Title Important - So Is Kid's Input

Entering the Fray - What About the Kids?

8 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member]

· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/

I would guess that the fact that 'adoptee' isn't even recognized as a word by spell checks would be really annoying, too.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 02:02

Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member]

· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/

I would guess that the fact that 'adoptee' isn't even recognized as a word by spell checks would be really annoying, too.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 02:15

Comment from: AdoptionBlogs Editor [Member]

· http://editor.adoptionblogs.com

As someone who has been following this discussion in the birth/First Parents Blog, I'd just like to state that the title of "first mother" is not to imply ranking as in "best". It merely states that she was the first one to mother. It isn't a race or contest. From my readings, I don't believe that most first mothers feel they've won anything.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 07:02

Comment from: dawnf [Member]

· http://www.openadoptionsupport.com

There's another thing -- this is about language in the context of a public discussion and NOT in the context of what a family or an individual chooses to use. Our daughter's first mom uses birth mother. Madison knows this term "birth mommy" to mean that Jessica gave birth to her. But I switched to using "first mother" on my blog because I didn't want to lose the valuable participation of first parents who read my blog. For some of them the term "birth mother" was that off-putting.

To me, this is no different than accepting the right of a Black person to call themselves Black or African American. It's their choice. As a white person, my feelings about it don't matter. I will use the terms they ask me to use.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 07:48

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

While it is easy to decide to call others what they request, it really reminds me of years ago when the whole "Mrs." or "Ms." controversy developed. It simply seems to be a point of insecurity that causes folks to dictate what others will say. A label is descriptive and designed for communication purposes, nothing more, nothing less. Our focus should remain on helping the children to decipher their world, as they are truly the ones who have been marginalized and left without a voice.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 11:53

Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]

I really think it is a personal issue. All Abby is doing is voicing her opinion. Nothing wrong with that. I personally call my birth mother "Bio Mother". It is nothing more; nothing less, but a title to distinguish the difference to the people we talk to.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 17:57

Comment from: Abby [Member]

· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com

Sad that we are to the point of ranking people involved with adoption.

I thought it was about the children being adopted not about the labels that we use to refer to each other.

Permalink 07/26/07 @ 21:22

Comment from: dawnf [Member]

· http://www.openadoptionsupport.com

I'm confused -- how is this about ranking people? I think of "first" as a term to mean Jessica was mother before I became mother. There's no contest here and to me it's a name that's simply factual.

I appreciate that the focus needs to be on the kids but to focus on the kids we need the participation of both sets of parents in the discussion.

As to the Mrs./Ms? I'm a Ms. and I do correct people who call me Mrs. so I sure appreciate people who correct me if/when I use the wrong term.

Permalink 07/28/07 @ 15:59

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