In life there are boundaries everywhere we go and with all the relationships we have. Each of our friendships have different limits. With our best friend, we may have very open boundaries to the point of not having any, but then, with another friend we may not share or talk with her about our marriage problems or other real personal issues. These are two different boundaries. Boundaries are not negative things. They are necessary. Boundaries allow us to know what to expect with our friends, work environment, school, church, and with all of our relationships.

Parents start to set boundaries with their young children. The children do test those boundaries, but learn to work and accept them in time. Boundaries can also be a way to protect ourselves.

So with saying all of that, I find it strange that people do not understand why it is important for an adoptee to set boundaries with their birth family. Boundaries are not a bad thing. They can help everyone from going into areas that another person may have a problem with. It allows us to know what may be difficult and painful for someone. Boundaries can keep us from hurting others without meaning to. As relationships grow stronger, the boundaries can change.

My two major boundaries with my birth family are my adoptive family and my children. I do not feel comfortable talking about my adoptive family with them, they are mine and private I did not go in thinking this, but I realized that I did not like to be asked detailed questions about my adoptive family and my relationships with them. So, this boundary came up during the relationship with my birth family. The boundary concerning my children started from the beginning and I was up front about it. I will talk about my children and share things about them. Meeting and becoming part of my children’s lives is out of the question. My birth mother has her own boundaries that I respect.

The funny thing about boundaries is that I do not want others crossing my boundaries, but it is all right if I choose to cross my own boundaries. This can happen when you feel a little more comfortable in time and open up a little during a conversation.