The moment that the phone was hung up from talking with my birth mother, my world seemed to be spinning out of control. I had no idea who I was. I was already in my bedroom. I turned off the lights, and crawled into my bed. The intense emotions hit me like you cannot imagine. I was crying a painful cry not for him, but for myself and my children.

I am not a crying kind of person so when my family sees me cry they worry. I guess I was a little loud in my crying (probably the deep wounded animal cry since that is how I felt), my husband and my beautiful children would not leave me alone. After the fourth or fifth time someone checked on me, I remember saying, “Leave me the hell alone.”

I do remember my oldest daughter checking on me and seeing the pain and worry on her face. In that moment I could not comfort her and even know what to say. The pain I felt consumed all of me. I cried myself somewhat to sleep, and went to work the next morning.

I had to put it in that hidden box deep inside me because I was too raw and could not think about it. While I am sure that there are people that will tell me I was wrong to lock the truth away and not deal with it. I could not let this consume me and my children had no part of this.

This was my demon to face. I had to do this in my own way and time. I refused to let it consume me, and that was probably my greatest fear. So I had to take out the box and deal with it a little at a time. After a short while I lock it back up inside myself until I could deal with it again later. Maybe it will always be this way to a point for me. This is my way to get through it.

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