Owlhaven's post, “Adoption Loss: talking about the 'why'” made me think about my question of “Why”. She was talking about what to tell adopted children the reason their birth families had chosen adoption for them. I do not know of an adoptee that has not asked or thought numerous times, “Why did my birth parents give me away or even not love me?”

As an adoptee I was told that my birth mother was unable to take care of me so, she wanted my adoptive parent’s to be my mom and dad and take care of me. My parent’s did know more about my birth mother’s life but decided to share more details when I got older. Grown up I accepted this and thought it made sense. This does not mean some young adoptees do not fantasize about their birth families during childhood. I was content and okay with how my parents explained why I (as a child) was adopted.

In my teens I learned more about my birth mother and family, stuff a young adoptee is probably unable to deal with. I come from a “not” June Cleaver birth mother, and I have learned that there are a lot of us out there. It was very difficult for my mom to tell me and it was difficult for me to hear.

We were riding in the car one night and I asked my mom if she knew why my birth mother gave me up and did she know any more about my birth family. I guess I felt I was ready to emotionally know more about my birth mother and what happened. My mom was honest with me. She explained to me that I had not come from a good situation that my birth mother had drug problems that we were living in bad conditions. I remember the intense pain of the truth, my fantasy was gone. My head was up against the car window I was looking into the deep dark night with tears running down my cheeks. My mom knew I was crying and stopped, I was trying to hide my tears but she knew I was crying, I guess it is that mom thing. She was silent for a few minutes then said Abby I am so sorry, do you want to me to stop. I said, “No, I need to know the truth.” I could hear the pain in my mom’s voice telling me the truth about my beginning in this life was breaking her heart.

What an unimaginable pain to be the one to cause the child that you have loved so much unbelievable amount of pain. My mom went on to tell me that I had two other siblings (only a few years older) and they had been caring for me before I was adopted. I learned that I had an older brother (funny thing it was the one thing I wanted so desperately in life). I asked about my brother and my mom was quiet for a minute or two. So, I knew, I sit there biting my lip, praying “please God” over and over because the silence was not good. My mom told me that my brother was hit by a car and was killed when he was young. The grief and pain that I felt hit me that night was unbearable. I could no longer silence my crying. Sitting looking out the car that cold night my life changed, my innocence of childhood was gone after that night my adoption journey was about dealing with pain and raw grief.

Boy oh boy….did that bring back things even a few tears.

I have shared a very personal thing that I have never shared with anyone, even my husband, in the hope that it can be helpful to others.

More reading:

Can an Adoptee Grow up to be Happy?

How to Deal With Your Grief

Accepting the Facts of Your Adoption and Finding Peace, Part 1