I have watched two of my daughters struggle with bonding and forming their own relationship. I do understand that the age difference does have an impact on this, but there is a rift starting to form between them. My hearts breaks for my young baby daughter (adopted), because I know the pain that she is starting to feel.

I am haunted by the thought of my children not having a close relationship with each other. I want so much to spare my baby daughter the pain of feeling rejected by her sister as I did growing up and still face to this day. I have spent a lot of time talking with my oldest daughter (birth) about this and I do understand some of her feelings. I am super close to these... more

Bonding to siblings is a very important connection for an adoptee to have and maintain for a number of reasons. As we get older, we need the family connection for support, sharing, and for our children. As young people, we just do not always understand this. We may get caught up in the differences that each of us may feel. Whether it is differences with adopted or birth children or maybe some of both.

I speak from experience as an adoptee and an adoptive mother. I was adopted with my sister into an adoptive family that already had a birth child. I also, have a birth daughter and adopted two children that are siblings. The funny thing is I was the same age as my mom when I adopted... more

Adoption is such a complex and emotionally charged issue. We all have different thoughts and strong feelings about adoption just as we do with parenting, love, religion and politics.

Adoptive mothers are not hawks waiting for a pregnant lady to have a perfect baby that we can swoop down with a moment's notice and steal away the child. We do not go on the search looking for our prey to call our own. I do not think we are looking for ways to steal or adopt children unethically.

Can this and does this happen? Yes, but not with every adoption. Do some birth mothers regret their decision to place their baby up for adoption? Yes, I would imagine that most birth mothers have the... more

This seems to be a question that I am asked a lot. When I was first asked this several years ago, I thought it was a strange question. How could a person not know how to make a child happy and raise an adjusted person? Then, when I started thinking in detail about doing foster care and adoption, I realized why people would ask the question.

If you are raising siblings or more than one adopted child, understand that they each have very different thoughts, ideas, emotions, issues and needs concerning being adopted. Never say anything negative about a child’s birth family. She may understand that her birth mother was a drug addict and abandoned... more

When some adoptees start to talk about being adopted, the first things that come up are the differences, challenges, and issues that they have dealt with or are working on. When you start talking about a happy childhood, memories, and the joy that you have experienced being adopted, that generally falls under a happy childhood and not usually associated with being adopted.

This has been a big struggle for me on writing as an adoptee, since I tend to write about the struggles and issues that some adoptees may face along their adoption journey. There is great joy and happiness that can be found in adoption. I would not trade being adopted for anything.

As an adoptee, I had... more

As an adoptee you may be dealing with a whole number of emotions. Some emotions come with great intensity and other emotions not so much. You head may be swimming trying to process your feelings.

You may not have anyone to talk about your feelings as an adoptee, or you do not feel comfortable sharing your most inner thoughts. It could be that it is difficult for you to open up with people about something that is so personal.

Journaling can be therapeutic outlet for you. Writing down you thoughts and feelings can help you through your emotions. It can be easier to write than talking about your feelings. It can be a way to not feel threatened with allowing your thoughts to... more

Other adoptees, like my self, look for a relationship with their birth mother but without the "full" mother daughter relationship. I call my birth mother by her first name, because in my heart she is not my mom. I do not intend for this to cause her pain as much as I know it does but I can't be the person that she wishes she had mothered. I am the person that I have grown into over time and I am happy with the person I have become.

Should I change to make someone else happy even if that person gave me life? I think not. I would hope that a birth mother, would be happy that her child she gave up to adoption would like to have a relationship with her, even if has not the kind of relationship... more

I did not go hoping to change or rewrite the past just develop a relationship or contact from the past. Did I set boundaries that were too much for my birth mother to live with? Possibly, but I also have to live with my boundaries.

Things do not always work out the way we hope but things in this life have no guarantees. When we are faced with decisions in life that can have a major impact, we have to make what we feel is the best choice at the time. We do not have the foresight to know the outcome.

My relationship with my birth mother is one sided, I am the one to make the phone calls, send pictures and write. Even after my birth mother closed me out because I cannot be... more

The reality is that all reunions do not haves happy ending. All the issues that you may face can be more difficult than you think. Sometimes things are just out of your control. When that time comes you have to do you best to deal with matters and find a way to move on.

My birth mother wanted more than I could give. She wanted a mother-daughter relationship. She did not understand that could not happen. She wanted a relationship as she had with my half sister (that she parented) and continued to refer to it. She could not understand that I had a life that included a mom and the past could not just disappear. The past is where I have lived with my parents and I am happy with my life.... more

Reunion: Not Always Perfect

I know and have heard from several adoptees that when they found their birth mother or family that they did not want any more contact. Some relationships after a reunion can disintegrate or never get started for any number of reasons. Some people in the adoption community find this so hard to believe. Do you think adoptees are seeking a birth mother to be rejected once again? There can be any number of reasons that can lead up to this, some we will probably never know or even understand.

I do understand that it can be hard for some people to understand, accept or... more