After I learned the truth about my birth mother and family, I did not want to talk about it any more. I had to find a way within myself to deal with it. My mom would asked me a few times was I okay and did I want to talk. She stepped back and gave me time and space to work through it which was probably very hard for her. But this was my journey to take.

Does the pain and grief go away? No, but you learn to move along as do others when they are faced with losing a loved one. The grief that I feel of not knowing my older brother could easily consume me, if I made that choice. The truth is, it is what it is and I cannot change things so I must move on. Yes, the grief will always... more

Adoptee and the Question of “Why

My best friend and I differ on our reviews on that adopted children deserves to know about their entire past the good, bad and ugly. My adopted children come from difficult pasts. One of my adopted children has a horrible past, that as I sit reading her file I cried for her and sick to stomach with the details of her beginning and the pain that she will one day learn. My friend believes I should burn the files and never tell my child the truth.

As an adoptee, I would have felt betrayed deceived if my parents would have keep the truth from me. That is my past... more

Owlhaven's post, “Adoption Loss: talking about the 'why'” made me think about my question of “Why”. She was talking about what to tell adopted children the reason their birth families had chosen adoption for them. I do not know of an adoptee that has not asked or thought numerous times, “Why did my birth parents give me away or even not love me?”

As an adoptee I was told that my birth mother was unable to take care of me so, she wanted my adoptive parent’s to be my mom and dad and take care of me. My parent’s did know more about my birth mother’s life but decided to share more details when... more

Some adoptees will fit into this expectation, while others do not fit. The problem is where the adoptees fit into when they do not meet other's expectations. We cannot all be the same.

Adoptees are waiting for the moment that they can be reunited with their birth families. Adoptees long to reconnect and become the child that was given up so many years ago. Adoptees are looking for a mother and father. There are life long struggles that adoptees are haunted by due to adoption. Most adoptees are against adoption. Our birth families are the typical parents and families waiting for us to return with open arms. An adoptee’s life is all about loss from adoption.

Adoptive families... more

People through life decide to build theories, paint others to be a certain way because it validates their decisions in their lives. When it comes to light that it is not always that way, then anger comes up while being defensive. We all have choices and decisions in life that we make that are our responsibility.

There seems to be some major confusion about the post “Expectations of an Adoptee”. I referenced a post “Are Adoptees “Lost”?” (that I wrote on 05/25/07) and a birth mother assumed that I was referring to a post that... more

How should an adoptee feel and react is something a lot of people have their own ideas about? It seems there is some unknown and unseen (to us - adoptees) map that everyone else knows all about that states what path in life an adoptee should take, how we should feel, and what we should say.

It is like if some adoptees do not fit in this image then there is something wrong with them they are not the “normal” adoptees. The dynamics of every adoption is different and not every adoptee will fit in the image of an “adoptee” that is out there.

It is so easy to project our thoughts, beliefs, needs, and desires on to others. In the post “Are... more

Some adoptees struggle to maintain a connection to their culture. Knowing and being involved with the culture of their home countries can allow them to feel a sense of self, their past, heritage, and their birth families. There are ways for adoptive parents to help the adoptee learn and feel connected to their culture.

The culture needs go beyond foods, material things, holidays, and language. Not that these things are not important to the adoptee’s culture but you can make it so much more.

Culture camps can be a great benefit for two reasons, one learning more details about their cultures. The best reason is the meeting other children of the same culture. Being with other... more

A large majority of foster care adoptions do not have ongoing contact with the birth families. It could be because of the reasons talked about in Foster Care Adoptees: Myths. It could also be because the adoptees cannot deal with the trauma that comes with the contact with their birth families.

It is different in each case and what may work for someone, will not work for the next person. One child that we have adopted through foster care has never had birth parent... more

I received a comment that more or less, that foster adoptees are different because they are still connected to their birth families and child keep their “original names”. This is not the truth for the majority of foster care adoptees. People seem to be surprised that foster adoption is no different than any other adoption.

Foster adoptees do have more obstacles to overcome due to the trauma of abuse and neglect. A lot of foster adoptees are faced with a childhood filled with therapies to help them learn to deal with the anger and rage they feel... more

Adoptees should have full access to their birth and adoption records when they turn 18 years old. An adoptee should not have to beg adoption agencies or petition the courts for their own information concerning their past and birth families. Birth parent information should also be provided and leave it up to the birth parents to decide if they want to have a relationship with the child they gave up.

Adoption does not only involve babies. Foster children and other adoptions are also impacted by the laws that govern adoptions. We need to make a point to... more