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05/25/07
Are adoptees “lost”?
Posted by : Abby in Adoptee Blog at 07:28 pm , 376 words, 458 views
Categories: Issues, Impacts and Answers
Categories: Issues, Impacts and Answers
When I go to some adoption or adoptee support sites, one of the first things I see is: “How many children have been lost to adoption?” As an adoptee, I am puzzled by this statement. I am not “lost” nor have I ever been “lost”.
I know where I live, who my parents are, and I know all about myself. I know I was lost once as a child when I went in search for my dog that was lost. I wandered into a valley with thick trees (I was raised in the country), got turned around and lost my bearings. I did end up walking for a couple of hours. I ended up finding a country road I knew and I also found my dog. My dad ended up finding me and the dog both. Really this is the only time I ever remember being lost.
Why would an adoptee be called “lost”? Did a mother take her child to the grocery store leave her in the shopping basket? Was the child forgotten at daycare and lost to the parents?
I do not think adoptive parents go around finding or looking for lost children to call their own. Nor do I think adoptive parents are parenting the “lost” children of birth mothers.
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My birth mother did not lose me; she gave me a better life. She chose adoption, and at that time of her life she was or felt unable to parent another child. I am right where she left me with my family, so I am not lost to her. Yes, she lost the child she gave birth to, but that baby is in the past. I am an adopted grown woman that is living in the now, and that baby I started out in life is in the past.
I do understand that birth mothers suffer with and have experienced a loss of a child, but as an adoptee I am not “lost”. This is how I feel personally as an adoptee and it is a view point of an adoptee. Just because an adoptee feels a loss at being adopted does not mean that every adoptee feels they are “lost”.
Related articles at adoption.com:
On Being Adopted
An Everyday Adoption Story
I know where I live, who my parents are, and I know all about myself. I know I was lost once as a child when I went in search for my dog that was lost. I wandered into a valley with thick trees (I was raised in the country), got turned around and lost my bearings. I did end up walking for a couple of hours. I ended up finding a country road I knew and I also found my dog. My dad ended up finding me and the dog both. Really this is the only time I ever remember being lost.
Why would an adoptee be called “lost”? Did a mother take her child to the grocery store leave her in the shopping basket? Was the child forgotten at daycare and lost to the parents?
I do not think adoptive parents go around finding or looking for lost children to call their own. Nor do I think adoptive parents are parenting the “lost” children of birth mothers.
SPONSOR
My birth mother did not lose me; she gave me a better life. She chose adoption, and at that time of her life she was or felt unable to parent another child. I am right where she left me with my family, so I am not lost to her. Yes, she lost the child she gave birth to, but that baby is in the past. I am an adopted grown woman that is living in the now, and that baby I started out in life is in the past.
I do understand that birth mothers suffer with and have experienced a loss of a child, but as an adoptee I am not “lost”. This is how I feel personally as an adoptee and it is a view point of an adoptee. Just because an adoptee feels a loss at being adopted does not mean that every adoptee feels they are “lost”.
Related articles at adoption.com:
On Being Adopted
An Everyday Adoption Story
Comments, Pingbacks:
Comment from: Heather Lowe [Member] 
· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/
· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/
It's very good that you don't perceive yourself as lost. That's how it was supposed to happen, right? But birthmothers like me suffered a huge loss, and many of us do view our children as "lost," even if our children are still in our lives in some fashion. So we'll continue to use that word.
Permalink
05/26/07 @ 05:45
Comment from: John [Member]
Heather, are you angry or upset that Abby doesn't see herself as 'lost'? Is she being disloyal to birth moms by failing to feel lost? Why wouldn't you feel relieved and satisfied that an adult adoptee does not feel lost?
One other area that was kind of a red flag. If you are in your child's life and have such a negative view of the adoptive family adequecy, how do you get along with the adoptive parents?
I must have it wrong, but your comment reads as though you are saying 'I'm miserable so every one else needs to be miserable too'. That can't be right, what am I missing? John
One other area that was kind of a red flag. If you are in your child's life and have such a negative view of the adoptive family adequecy, how do you get along with the adoptive parents?
I must have it wrong, but your comment reads as though you are saying 'I'm miserable so every one else needs to be miserable too'. That can't be right, what am I missing? John
Permalink
05/26/07 @ 16:09
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
· http://open.adoptionblogs.com
Great post Abby.
It is good to hear from someone who has a great sense of who they are & strong self esteem.
It is good to hear from someone who has a great sense of who they are & strong self esteem.
Permalink
05/26/07 @ 20:11
Comment from: Shell [Member]
I understand why you woiuld not like to think of yourself as "lost", but I would like to explain why I use the term.
Like many mothers, my mother never "gave me up for adoption" - I was taken from her and adopted - when really, all she needed was some support and help (temporarily to get her life on track).
My mom lost me to the system of adoption. I lost my mother, father, siblings, realtives and culture to the system of adoption. Some people lose their families to death or war - I lost mine to adoption - my parents lost me to the system of adoption.
Like many mothers, my mother never "gave me up for adoption" - I was taken from her and adopted - when really, all she needed was some support and help (temporarily to get her life on track).
My mom lost me to the system of adoption. I lost my mother, father, siblings, realtives and culture to the system of adoption. Some people lose their families to death or war - I lost mine to adoption - my parents lost me to the system of adoption.
Permalink
05/30/07 @ 05:41
Comment from: Frances [Member]
Abby, I'd just like you to know that I feel like you about having been adopted. I'm 60 years old now. At the age of 9 months my birth mother took me to an agency because she couldn't manage to take care of me. I was adopted by my wonderful parents (42 and 44 at the time). They had been married 17 years and lost a 1-day old baby boy when my mother was 40. They gave me so much love and joy until my mother's death when I was 37 and my father's when I was 45. THEY were the parents God planned for me, and it was a beautiful plan. I've never felt the need to find anyone else, because, like you, I wasn't lost.
Permalink
05/30/07 @ 07:04
Comment from: smidgentigre [Member]
Frances,
I hope my children feel like you do in the future. I was 42, husband was 39 when we adopted a 25 month old girl and an 8.5 month old boy. I know some of the details of their parents' situations...I will tell our kids when they are older (they are 4y8m and 3y3m now). I hope they will feel loved, wanted, cherished & complete in the future. My husband & I were childless for 13 years before adopting these 2. I can't imagine life without them in it. Your stories give me hope that my children will not feel "lost" but feel loved. If they ever want to search for birthparents in Russia, I will whole-heartedly support them too.
I hope my children feel like you do in the future. I was 42, husband was 39 when we adopted a 25 month old girl and an 8.5 month old boy. I know some of the details of their parents' situations...I will tell our kids when they are older (they are 4y8m and 3y3m now). I hope they will feel loved, wanted, cherished & complete in the future. My husband & I were childless for 13 years before adopting these 2. I can't imagine life without them in it. Your stories give me hope that my children will not feel "lost" but feel loved. If they ever want to search for birthparents in Russia, I will whole-heartedly support them too.
Permalink
05/30/07 @ 13:13
Comment from: Shell [Member]
But the adoptee lost a family, right? The adopted person lost the ability to be raised with their people in their culture and sometimes homeland. Isn't this correct? How else do you explain it? How will you allow the adoptee to grieve if you don't recognize adoption as a loss?
A child and adult have every right to feel "lost" - I don't understand why anynone would downplay this possibility or see it as a very imprtant factor of being adopted.
A child and adult have every right to feel "lost" - I don't understand why anynone would downplay this possibility or see it as a very imprtant factor of being adopted.
Permalink
05/31/07 @ 05:58
Comment from: josh3134@yahoo.com [Member]
It is so nice to hear something positive on adoptions. I am to old to adopt but after reading all these negative responses from children who have been adopted and see it as a negative thing, I would be afraid to adopt. I am a foster parent and I know that isn't an easy road for children foster to adopt parents. I am sure adoptive parents have some of these children who have had very bad experiences in their lives and take them right into the adoptive homes from foster care. I read about all these children/babies taken from their mothers I find it hard to believe in this day and age with the laws we have. So go girl we need a few more positive comments from HAPPY,WELL ADJUSTED ADULTS. Give your Mom and Dad a hug for me.
Pat
Pat
Permalink
05/31/07 @ 18:47
Comment from: Shell [Member]
Pat, how does your comment help those who are suffering because of adoption/foster care? it appears you are tired of people who are not able to move past their pain....like it's their fault they are angry and suffering.
As a caregiver for children in foster care, I'd think you'd have a bit more understanding and compassion for those impacted by the systems of adoption and foster care. Geesh, I hope none of the people you fostered that aren't "happy well-adjusted adults" read your post.
As a caregiver for children in foster care, I'd think you'd have a bit more understanding and compassion for those impacted by the systems of adoption and foster care. Geesh, I hope none of the people you fostered that aren't "happy well-adjusted adults" read your post.
Permalink
05/31/07 @ 19:36
Comment from: soblessed [Member]
You know what? I love my ds, adopted from Guatemala. He may feel sad when he grows up that he lost his bio mom and his culture. I will feel sad with him. He may be happy that he was adopted by us and NOT be all torn up and unable to move past the pain of the loss that adoption brings. I will rejoice with him. He may feel conflicted because he loves us, but feels a drive to know his family in Guatemala. I will support him in his search. He may be all of these things at different times in his life. I will listen to him, hold him, help him and love him with the love of a mother for the rest of his life.
I think we need to reach the children WHERE THEY ARE and not tell them how they are supposed to feel or how we feel based upon what we "know" about adoption.
I think we need to reach the children WHERE THEY ARE and not tell them how they are supposed to feel or how we feel based upon what we "know" about adoption.
Permalink
06/01/07 @ 22:44
Comment from: Shell [Member]
"He may be happy that he was adopted by us"
I don't think it always about who adopted, rather the separation itself and inability to be with one's parents, relatives and culture and build an identity by being surrounded by family, relatives and cultural traditions.
Adopted people don't often share with their adopters how they are "feeling" either. Many adoptees themselves don't understand their own feelings.
"He may feel conflicted because he loves us, but feels a drive to know his family in Guatemala"
Would you consdier searching and reuniting him with his family now so he won't have to wait years only to find one or both parents dead, or both adoptee and and his parents are so emotionally torn because so many years passed with no contact?
Reunions later in life can be very difficult...it's hard to simply meet your family and pick up where you left off. The years are gone - they can't be taken back.
I don't think it always about who adopted, rather the separation itself and inability to be with one's parents, relatives and culture and build an identity by being surrounded by family, relatives and cultural traditions.
Adopted people don't often share with their adopters how they are "feeling" either. Many adoptees themselves don't understand their own feelings.
"He may feel conflicted because he loves us, but feels a drive to know his family in Guatemala"
Would you consdier searching and reuniting him with his family now so he won't have to wait years only to find one or both parents dead, or both adoptee and and his parents are so emotionally torn because so many years passed with no contact?
Reunions later in life can be very difficult...it's hard to simply meet your family and pick up where you left off. The years are gone - they can't be taken back.
Permalink
06/02/07 @ 06:47
Comment from: Lanette [Member] · http://foster-care.adoptionblogs.com/
· http://foster-care.adoptionblogs.com/
Shell,
"How will you allow the adoptee to grieve if you don't recognize adoption as a loss?"
There is a difference between feeling a loss through adoption and being lost. I do not see anyone down playing the loss that can come with adoption.
"A child and adult have every right to feel "lost" - I don't understand why anynone would downplay this possibility or see it as a very imprtant factor of being adopted."
Every adoptee has the right to feel lost or not to feel lost. We all do not have the same expierences and feelings.
Understand not all adoptees feel like you do towards adoption. Which that is your right but is also others right to have a different out look on adoption maybe even happy:)
"How will you allow the adoptee to grieve if you don't recognize adoption as a loss?"
There is a difference between feeling a loss through adoption and being lost. I do not see anyone down playing the loss that can come with adoption.
"A child and adult have every right to feel "lost" - I don't understand why anynone would downplay this possibility or see it as a very imprtant factor of being adopted."
Every adoptee has the right to feel lost or not to feel lost. We all do not have the same expierences and feelings.
Understand not all adoptees feel like you do towards adoption. Which that is your right but is also others right to have a different out look on adoption maybe even happy:)
Permalink
06/05/07 @ 19:22
Comment from: Shell [Member]
I can't imagine any human being who is happy about losing a family. Only in adoption does this thought apply.
Maybe ask someone who lost their family because of war or a natural disaster....would anyone actually ask or expect them to be happy they lost their family?
Please, losing a family is losing a family, regardless of the circumstances.
Maybe ask someone who lost their family because of war or a natural disaster....would anyone actually ask or expect them to be happy they lost their family?
Please, losing a family is losing a family, regardless of the circumstances.
Permalink
06/06/07 @ 17:32
Comment from: Abby [Member] · http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
Deb,
Thanks:)
Abby
Thanks:)
Abby
Permalink
06/12/07 @ 23:31
Comment from: Abby [Member] · http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
Frances,
Thank you for commenting. There are a lot of happy adoptees out there, more than some would like to give.
Abby
Thank you for commenting. There are a lot of happy adoptees out there, more than some would like to give.
Abby
Permalink
06/12/07 @ 23:34
Comment from: Abby [Member] · http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
Pat,
I am been blessed to adopted three of my foster children. It is not always easy but it is sure worth it. Thanks for the support.
Abby
I am been blessed to adopted three of my foster children. It is not always easy but it is sure worth it. Thanks for the support.
Abby
Permalink
06/12/07 @ 23:38
Comment from: Abby [Member] · http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
soblessed,
You are right about not telling an adoptee how they should be feeling.
Yes adoption does have some negatives but it also has a number of positives. Thanks:)
Abby
You are right about not telling an adoptee how they should be feeling.
Yes adoption does have some negatives but it also has a number of positives. Thanks:)
Abby
Permalink
06/12/07 @ 23:57
Comment from: Abby [Member] · http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
Shell,
You and other adoptees have the right to feel "lost" but it does not all adoptees feel that way.
I am sorry that that you feel adoption was wrong for you and that you were lost to the system.
The truth is that a lot of adoptees feel that they gain wonderful parents through adoption.
Abby
You and other adoptees have the right to feel "lost" but it does not all adoptees feel that way.
I am sorry that that you feel adoption was wrong for you and that you were lost to the system.
The truth is that a lot of adoptees feel that they gain wonderful parents through adoption.
Abby
Permalink
06/13/07 @ 00:04
Comment from: Shell [Member]
This has nothing to with the type of parents an adoptee gets.
Did I say anything about parents? Losing a family is losing a family - who raises a child after the loss of their parents isn't the point - it's the issue of loss for the adoptees and her/his mother, father and family.
Did I say anything about parents? Losing a family is losing a family - who raises a child after the loss of their parents isn't the point - it's the issue of loss for the adoptees and her/his mother, father and family.
Permalink
06/14/07 @ 19:37
Comment from: Abby [Member] · http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com
Shell,
Adoption is NOT all about LOSS!!! That is just how you see it and want others to see it.
Abby
Adoption is NOT all about LOSS!!! That is just how you see it and want others to see it.
Abby
Permalink
06/14/07 @ 21:00
Comment from: lizza [Visitor]
I do feel lost and I am adopted I do feel like I was left somewhere and the adoptive parents took me home I cant help but feeling that way like you said at the top
Permalink
06/27/07 @ 12:44
Comment from: lizza [Visitor]
I do feel like i was left in a shopping basket or left and some adoptive parents took me to call as there own I do feel lost
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06/27/07 @ 12:47
Comment from: lizza [Visitor]
I am adopted and I felt lost to the system and I felt neglected to people where does that leave me
Permalink
06/27/07 @ 12:56
Comment from: lizza [Visitor]
well I do agree people dont want to hear how an adopted person could feel unhappy about being adopted they kind of want to ignore that kind of person
Permalink
06/27/07 @ 13:05
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