The Adoptee Perspective

After adopting me, my parents had continued to do foster care and over the course of my young life many children had come and gone from our home. This specific story centers on a brother and sister who came to live with us during my early adolescence. The brother was my age and the sister only a year our junior. The brother and I had hit it off and enjoyed the same outdoor activities and had become great friends. The sister struggled with the kindred relationship he and I shared and was constantly jealous and felt left out of our adventures. I can still close my eyes and smell the earthy aromas of the soil, fall leaves, and birch trees that filled… [more]

Growing up, birthdays always turned into some sort of sad memorial for the birth mother I never knew. I guess it was the realization of never having known her which turned a festive day into a full-blown day of mourning. On birthdays, If I focused long enough, I could imagine her eyes peering out at me from some unknown corner of the planet, or maybe, I thought she was looking down upon me from the heavens. I always wondered if she thought of the baby girl she had left in that cold downtown hospital, patrolled by nuns regimenting young unwed mothers while viciously  guarding tiny newborns. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” remained my birthday theme song… [more]

Below is a quote from a mother.  I found this notion on an evening when I WAS wondering if the fact that I always feel less than my sister, who is a biological, was my insecurity or rooted in my status as an adopted. The first thing that showed up was this. "I have biological and adopted children and I have to admit that, while I love/adore them all fiercely, there is something primal about the way I love my biological children. It's not something I control, it's just there. They all feel equally special." They all feel equally special. Except some know that they are adopted and that no “primal” love exists for them. We assume they would never guess it……never notice……after all, they were chosen. I certainly hope my mother has… [more]

I am conscious of being adopted as I watch the journey of a friend of mine as she becomes a new grandmother to a baby girl. Her son and his wife have been waiting for the first mother to sign away her rights. To legally, once and for all, say that she is no longer the primary mother of her daughter. To say that she willingly severs that relationship in order to give her daughter what she believes is a better life. Usually that better life is one that has more money and more social opportunity. Fewer stigmas and less societal restriction. A better life. My heart breaks for that mother. And my prayers accompany her daughter. Watching the love of my friend, the new grandmother, has given… [more]

I am adopted.  It struck me several weeks ago that the phrase “I am adopted” partially defines who I am. Just like, “I am also smart” and “I am old”. It really hit me when I was with a young woman who is a dear friend of my family.  She is adopted. She knew that I was also adopted. Both willing to talk, the bond began.  We spoke like two English people who connect in a foreign country where they don’t know the indigenous language. There were understandings between us that are known only to those who are adopted. We assured one another that being adopted isn’t bad, it’s just different. You have parallel “selves” who exist in different DNA strains. Nature or nurture. These questions have a special meaning for… [more]

“I have come to believe....it is unnatural for members of the human species to grow up separated from and without knowledge of their natural clan, that such a lack has a negative influence on a child's psychic reality and relationship with the adoptive parents...”.  Journey of the Adopted Self, Betty Jean Lifton It is common in discussions of adopted children today to say they have two mothers, a biological mother and an adoptive mother. Adoptee author Betty Jean Lifton, for example, a prime mover in what we are now calling open adoption, wrote that she felt pulled this way and that by her two competing mothers, biological and adoptive, as follows: “For deep inside every adoptee (Lifton often presented her own views as the views of all adoptees) there is a chalk… [more]

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. My brothers and I were adopted at birth.  At a very young age, my parents lovingly explained that I was adopted and how special they felt being able to raise me. One night, when I was in high school, my mom drove me to church for an overnight retreat.  It was at that time she explained the details of my birth and the birth of my younger brothers.  I remember thinking that memorable night I had something very special to be thankful for. I have never felt abandoned, unwanted, or unloved.  I felt as normal as any of my childhood friends. I never knew my birth mom and I decided early on… [more]

Names are such an important part of who we are as individuals. I always find it interesting how most people really seem to "fit" their name. How many times have we heard people say that is a perfect name for so and so? Sometimes we know that our parents had more than one name picked out for us before we were born. Some parents may even have two or three names selected but decide to wait and see which name fits their baby - like my friends who selected both Neva and Claire as possible names. In the end they went with Neva. They also tried out several names on their son… [more]

I sometimes feel the way that John Raible described in his recent blog post.

I want so much to share my experiences with adoptive parents in order to help them be better parents to their adopted children. However, it is difficult to share my experiences and open myself up to harsh reactions. It is tiresome to have to justify my right to my opinions. It is tiresome to have to say "yes, I love my parents"… [more]

This weekend I came across an interesting blog post that brought up an important issue. Should adoptive parents tell their children about the cost of their adoption?   And how should parents explain it when it involved a discounted or special rate? As with most adoption related issues there is no right or wrong answer but as an adoptee I have strong feelings about this issue. The heart of this issue is really the cost of adoption and that is a bigger topic than I can address in this blog post. There is plenty of info on this topic all over the web. However, I do want to talk about the practice of a single agency… [more]