Adult Adoptees

In our society we label everything. We even have label makers and electronic tags to help us keep the things we've labeled organized. While labeling things isn't necessarily a bad thing, we have applied this same principal of categorization to people - in many ways. I have been labeled as many things in my life, some hurtful and others I am proud of. Mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend, honor student, graduate, smart, funny, and attractive are some I'm more proud of. Slow, overweight, below average, unpopular, and crabby are some of the more hurtful ones. One label I have grown up with and will never change is adopted. It is a label that is so much a part of who I am that… [more]

I am really excited to have joined the Adoption.com team as a blogger and content writer! To lend credibility to my posts and perspectives, I think it's important to let all of you get to know me and my story.  I was born in 1978 in Seattle, Washington to a young, single mother.  I was her first child and she tried to make a life for me.  She had married another man, who was enlisted in the Navy and was not my biological father, and we lived with him in Navy housing on the Whidbey Island base in Oak Harbor, WA. When I was three months old she left me in his care for an evening.  According to police reports, I was crying inconsolably and… [more]

Below is a quote from a mother.  I found this notion on an evening when I WAS wondering if the fact that I always feel less than my sister, who is a biological, was my insecurity or rooted in my status as an adopted. The first thing that showed up was this. "I have biological and adopted children and I have to admit that, while I love/adore them all fiercely, there is something primal about the way I love my biological children. It's not something I control, it's just there. They all feel equally special." They all feel equally special. Except some know that they are adopted and that no “primal” love exists for them. We assume they would never guess it……never notice……after all, they were chosen. I certainly hope my mother has… [more]

“I have come to believe....it is unnatural for members of the human species to grow up separated from and without knowledge of their natural clan, that such a lack has a negative influence on a child's psychic reality and relationship with the adoptive parents...”.  Journey of the Adopted Self, Betty Jean Lifton It is common in discussions of adopted children today to say they have two mothers, a biological mother and an adoptive mother. Adoptee author Betty Jean Lifton, for example, a prime mover in what we are now calling open adoption, wrote that she felt pulled this way and that by her two competing mothers, biological and adoptive, as follows: “For deep inside every adoptee (Lifton often presented her own views as the views of all adoptees) there is a chalk… [more]

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. My brothers and I were adopted at birth.  At a very young age, my parents lovingly explained that I was adopted and how special they felt being able to raise me. One night, when I was in high school, my mom drove me to church for an overnight retreat.  It was at that time she explained the details of my birth and the birth of my younger brothers.  I remember thinking that memorable night I had something very special to be thankful for. I have never felt abandoned, unwanted, or unloved.  I felt as normal as any of my childhood friends. I never knew my birth mom and I decided early on… [more]

I sometimes feel the way that John Raible described in his recent blog post.

I want so much to share my experiences with adoptive parents in order to help them be better parents to their adopted children. However, it is difficult to share my experiences and open myself up to harsh reactions. It is tiresome to have to justify my right to my opinions. It is tiresome to have to say "yes, I love my parents"… [more]

I remember when I first started to really explore adoption issues in my life. Once I decided to unlock that door in my mind and really examine some of my issues thoughts and questions flooded out and consumed a great deal of my time and energy. I would think about searching for my birth mother, about talking to my parents about searching and about my fear of searching and about my fear of finding. I had thoughts of resentment, anger and grief. There were just so many things I wanted to talk about but I really didn't have anyone I felt totally comfortable talking to.  I did talk to my family and my friends but I always felt a little guarded. I… [more]

Throughout most of my adult life therapy has been a very important part of my growth. I've had some good therapists and one GREAT one. I've tried a few that didn't work out because they had no real understanding of adoption issues. Each time I've looked for a therapist I've found it difficult to find a professional with extensive experience with adoption.  Jenna wrote about this issue in her post about finding a therapist that has experience with birth mothers. When members of the adoption triad seek therapy I think it is essential to find someone who specializes in adoption related issues - and the more specialized to a specific situation the better. In my personal experience, therapists… [more]

As an adoptee I realize that readers want to know my status on searching and contact with my birth parents. I will cover this information over the next few posts since this is a big topic. I have been in contact with my birth mother since 1994. I know who my birth father is but we are not in contact. Growing up I thought about meeting my birth parents but I assumed that because I had so little information there was no way I could find them. It was pre-internet days so I didn't know about registries or investigators or other searching options. Finding their names, let alone contact, seemed unlikely so I didn't dwell on it much. This is… [more]

Courtney's post last night got me thinking about attachment from my own experience. I was adopted as an infant of eight weeks old and my brother was adopted seven years later as an infant of roughly the same age. Neither of us have ever had any conscious memory of any family or life prior to the childhood we experienced with our parents, our adoptions were openly discussed even if the details regarding our birth families were totally closed to us, and being children of the 70s, our parents didn't have a tremendous amount of advance adoption counseling regarding attachment. So how did our experience wind up seeming so uneventful, normal and positive? I think, from the start, our parents acknowledged and made accomodations for… [more]