Ages & Stages

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. My brothers and I were adopted at birth.  At a very young age, my parents lovingly explained that I was adopted and how special they felt being able to raise me. One night, when I was in high school, my mom drove me to church for an overnight retreat.  It was at that time she explained the details of my birth and the birth of my younger brothers.  I remember thinking that memorable night I had something very special to be thankful for. I have never felt abandoned, unwanted, or unloved.  I felt as normal as any of my childhood friends. I never knew my birth mom and I decided early on… [more]

Names are such an important part of who we are as individuals. I always find it interesting how most people really seem to "fit" their name. How many times have we heard people say that is a perfect name for so and so? Sometimes we know that our parents had more than one name picked out for us before we were born. Some parents may even have two or three names selected but decide to wait and see which name fits their baby - like my friends who selected both Neva and Claire as possible names. In the end they went with Neva. They also tried out several names on their son… [more]

I sometimes feel the way that John Raible described in his recent blog post.

I want so much to share my experiences with adoptive parents in order to help them be better parents to their adopted children. However, it is difficult to share my experiences and open myself up to harsh reactions. It is tiresome to have to justify my right to my opinions. It is tiresome to have to say "yes, I love my parents"… [more]

Yesterday was my "special day." That is what my family calls the day that my parents first got me. In recent years I've heard people call it "gotcha day" but like I special day better. It was always marked with a special meal and the re-telling of the first day my parents picked me up at the agency office. My younger brother has a special day too - Nov. 1st. I don't remember the early ones, of course, but as I got older my mom would let us choose what we wanted for dinner that night. We could pick anything we wanted.  I think I would usually pick fried chicken. My brother would usually ask for hamburgers - which I didn’t think… [more]

I remember when I first started to really explore adoption issues in my life. Once I decided to unlock that door in my mind and really examine some of my issues thoughts and questions flooded out and consumed a great deal of my time and energy. I would think about searching for my birth mother, about talking to my parents about searching and about my fear of searching and about my fear of finding. I had thoughts of resentment, anger and grief. There were just so many things I wanted to talk about but I really didn't have anyone I felt totally comfortable talking to.  I did talk to my family and my friends but I always felt a little guarded. I… [more]

Last week I was in New York City on a short business trip. I sat at a Starbucks watching people rush to lunch, to the subway or back to their office. I love NYC because of the amazing diversity of the people. As a child I simply could not imagine a place like NYC. I only knew the world I lived in and in that world no one looked like me. My younger brother looked a little bit like me in that we both had brown skin but that was pretty much the extent of the diversity in my life. I remember the first time I found myself in a truly diverse environment (and I plan to explore the meaning of "diversity" in… [more]

This past week I had a discussion with a social worker who conducts home studies for a local adoption agency. We had a great discussion and one topic that came up was the situation where adoptive parents are not forthcoming with adoption information with their child. To me, it seems really obvious that adoptive parents should be as open as possible (using age appropriate language) with their children. However, there are obviously a lot of other people who don't see it that way. The extreme end of this is when adoptive parents completely withhold the fact that a child is adopted. I really cannot even wrap my head around that. Not at all. Courtney discussed this topic in her recent blog… [more]

Throughout most of my adult life therapy has been a very important part of my growth. I've had some good therapists and one GREAT one. I've tried a few that didn't work out because they had no real understanding of adoption issues. Each time I've looked for a therapist I've found it difficult to find a professional with extensive experience with adoption.  Jenna wrote about this issue in her post about finding a therapist that has experience with birth mothers. When members of the adoption triad seek therapy I think it is essential to find someone who specializes in adoption related issues - and the more specialized to a specific situation the better. In my personal experience, therapists… [more]

As an adoptee I realize that readers want to know my status on searching and contact with my birth parents. I will cover this information over the next few posts since this is a big topic. I have been in contact with my birth mother since 1994. I know who my birth father is but we are not in contact. Growing up I thought about meeting my birth parents but I assumed that because I had so little information there was no way I could find them. It was pre-internet days so I didn't know about registries or investigators or other searching options. Finding their names, let alone contact, seemed unlikely so I didn't dwell on it much. This is… [more]

Courtney's post last night got me thinking about attachment from my own experience. I was adopted as an infant of eight weeks old and my brother was adopted seven years later as an infant of roughly the same age. Neither of us have ever had any conscious memory of any family or life prior to the childhood we experienced with our parents, our adoptions were openly discussed even if the details regarding our birth families were totally closed to us, and being children of the 70s, our parents didn't have a tremendous amount of advance adoption counseling regarding attachment. So how did our experience wind up seeming so uneventful, normal and positive? I think, from the start, our parents acknowledged and made accomodations for… [more]