The fear of being rejected is probably the greatest fear of an adoptee. Some adoptees feel the first rejection was at birth so in their eyes it can happen again. No one likes to be rejected. The feelings that an adoptees may feel is that they are not good enough and are unloved when they feel rejected.

When an adoptee does make contact with her birth mother to be rejected the feelings that she is experiencing feels, that it is over before it even started. The door was closed so quickly in your face before you even had a chance to say a word. The pain and grief that sweep over you feels unbearable. Your hopes and dreams of a happy reunion vanish before your eyes. You set wandering how... more

The mothering instincts that we have as any kind of a mother are life long and never ending. We all can remember a time when our own mothers told us something that we knew. Our mothers knew that we knew, but it is that mothering that just kicks in. I think we all can recall saying or hearing “Yes, mother I know that. You tell me that all the time.”

With my experience and talking to other adoptees about their experiences, I learned that this can become an issue with reunions. In the minds and hearts of the birth mothers, the adoptee is that child or baby that the birth mother gave up. The adoptees do not see themselves like this.

This is a natural thing for a mother to want... more

Fear can be a major emotion during reunion that an adoptee can be faced with at every turn. The thought of searching can bring up all kinds of fears. You hear all those "what if" questions running through your head.

What if they do not want to see you? What if I am not what they hoped for? What if I never find them?

The thoughts of fear can keep adoptees from searching for their birth families. The fear of what an adoptee can find about their birth parents and themselves. The fear the door will be closed before it is ever opened can be very overwhelming for an adoptee.

The fear of being rejected can also be a major concern for an adoptee. The fear of your birth mother... more

What is an adoptee looking or hoping for when she wants to search for her birth family? This is a common question that an adoptee may hear. The truth is every adoptee has different desires, hopes, beliefs, dreams and needs. There is not one pat answer to this question, but there are different answers for each adoptee.

I will share what an adoptee possibly hopes to learn or thoughts that an adoptee may have. Every adoptee will have totally different thoughts and ideas, but hopefully this will shed some light on what an adoptee maybe thinking about.

Curiosity can be a major reason that an adoptee goes searching. Do I have birth sibling? Do I look like my birth family? Where... more

This is the beginning of a series talking about the emotions that an adoptee may feel in the beginning of the search to the reunion. I am not saying that every adoptee will experience these feelings.

Happiness for some adoptees can be found through reunions with their birth families. An adoptee may go in with the hope of learning answers to so many questions and find out so much more. Some adoptees click right away with their birth families, while other adoptees struggle and have to work at the relationship for it to be successful.

Finding your birth family after searching will be a very happy occasion. Most adoptees spend a large amount of time searching and hoping to find... more

I always thought that one day I could have some sort of relationship with my birth siblings that were not adopted. The thought is that siblings will always be connected and have some sort of feelings towards their birth siblings. The truth is that it is not always the case.

You can talk and read about adoptees trying to connect with their siblings. You will find that some do not connect, or even want contact with their siblings. Reunions do not always end as most people paint them out to be (the "happily ever after").

My half sister has chosen not to have a relationship with my sister and myself. Mainly because she feels that it is too painful for her mother since she could... more

Other adoptees, like my self, look for a relationship with their birth mother but without the "full" mother daughter relationship. I call my birth mother by her first name, because in my heart she is not my mom. I do not intend for this to cause her pain as much as I know it does but I can't be the person that she wishes she had mothered. I am the person that I have grown into over time and I am happy with the person I have become.

Should I change to make someone else happy even if that person gave me life? I think not. I would hope that a birth mother, would be happy that her child she gave up to adoption would like to have a relationship with her, even if has not the kind of relationship... more

I did not go hoping to change or rewrite the past just develop a relationship or contact from the past. Did I set boundaries that were too much for my birth mother to live with? Possibly, but I also have to live with my boundaries.

Things do not always work out the way we hope but things in this life have no guarantees. When we are faced with decisions in life that can have a major impact, we have to make what we feel is the best choice at the time. We do not have the foresight to know the outcome.

My relationship with my birth mother is one sided, I am the one to make the phone calls, send pictures and write. Even after my birth mother closed me out because I cannot be... more

The reality is that all reunions do not haves happy ending. All the issues that you may face can be more difficult than you think. Sometimes things are just out of your control. When that time comes you have to do you best to deal with matters and find a way to move on.

My birth mother wanted more than I could give. She wanted a mother-daughter relationship. She did not understand that could not happen. She wanted a relationship as she had with my half sister (that she parented) and continued to refer to it. She could not understand that I had a life that included a mom and the past could not just disappear. The past is where I have lived with my parents and I am happy with my life.... more

Reunion: Not Always Perfect

I know and have heard from several adoptees that when they found their birth mother or family that they did not want any more contact. Some relationships after a reunion can disintegrate or never get started for any number of reasons. Some people in the adoption community find this so hard to believe. Do you think adoptees are seeking a birth mother to be rejected once again? There can be any number of reasons that can lead up to this, some we will probably never know or even understand.

I do understand that it can be hard for some people to understand, accept or... more