I have talked about some adoptees learning and dealing with painful secrets from their past. I shared my journey of learning my very painful dark secret from my past. Two questions were asked of me that I took the time to really think about them. These questions do not have an easy answer or would work with every adoptee’s situation. Every adoptee will probably have a very different opinion.

What could have been done differently to ease the pain of learning this information? Would it have been easier coming from your adoptive parents?

In my personal... more

The moment that the phone was hung up from talking with my birth mother, my world seemed to be spinning out of control. I had no idea who I was. I was already in my bedroom. I turned off the lights, and crawled into my bed. The intense emotions hit me like you cannot imagine. I was crying a painful cry not for him, but for myself and my children.

I am not a crying kind of person so when my family sees me cry they worry. I guess I was a little loud in my crying (probably the deep wounded... more

My birth mother shared my dark secret of the past I knew nothing about with me when I was thirty-something. For me, it was a good age to have my world turned upside down. I had been a mother for a decade, a foster mom and adoptive mom before learning any of this. I know after learning that my birth father messed with children sexually (birth mother’s wording), in my wording, he is a predator that raped children, and that I questioned my own parenting abilities.

As some would like us to... more

I heard the words of my birth mother telling me about my birth father but I did not hear them. Were these words meant for me?

I did not ask about my birth father when I made contact with my birth mother. Why? I do know I was not interested in the least. First, she stated she did not want to talk about him. I was like whatever. Later, she did decide to tell me about him.

Abby, your father (not my father)…. I added, “You mean my birth father.” She replies, “Sorry” and continues, he is not a nice person. He has some serious problems that you do not need to be part of.... more

The past and our beginnings do not define who we are, or the life we live. These things are a part of us but how much is up to us.

Could I be the birth child of a child predator? I hear this echoing through my head from time to time when I allow myself to go there. What does this have to do with me? How does this impact me and the person I am? How could this be? Was I born of a monster? Is he in me somewhere inside I don’t know about?

Time and time you hear that genetics are the basis of everything for a child. Nature rules over the nurture. What does this condemn... more

Not all adoptees end their search with a happy family, or the happily ever after. Some end it with uncovering dark secrets of their beginnings. Should adoptive parents tell their children (when they become an adults) about dark secrets from their (the adoptees’) past, or about their birth families past? I hear parents talk about this from time to time. My view is not always the proper one.

I feel that is the individual person meaning adoptee’s information and she has a right to know. While I do understand wanting to protect and shield the ones we love especially our children from... more

While not all adoptees have to face dark things and secrets from their past, some adoptees are not so fortunate. When the truth about adoptees past is dark and will bring them great pain should they know? While some adoptees do have deep dark secrets that people want to ignore for a number of reasons. I do not think ignore them in most cases it is meant to hurt an adoptee. Really, it is probably the opposite. We do not want to cause the people we love what may seem like unbearable pain.

I think there is fear that some adoptees will take on some type of ownership to the dark past... more

I have talked about searching for your birth parents and hoping for an ideal reunion. Sometimes our ideas or dreams are completely crushed or have a completely different outcome than we envisioned. The truth of knowing is better than not knowing.

An adoptee born in Korea named Aaron started his search years ago for his birth family during his time in the Army as a medic. He had to face the challenges of how adoption is viewed in Korea. That most of Korea tends to have a negative view of adoption and understanding... more

Adoption can be a great and amazing way to build a family. A major concern of mine as an adoptee is that some potential adoptive parents do not research adoption before deciding to go down that road. While others believe the things they hear as gospel, without investigating on their own.

I had a friend state she would like to adopt a baby girl from China. I wondered why China? She said, “Because they do not have issues or problems and are beautiful.” Funny thing is, the few people she knows that have adopted have done so through domestic or foster care adoption.

We... more

When adoptees find their birth families and things to do not work out this is a statement that they may hear a lot. While no one wants to be rejected or find a disastrous relationship it is more than that.

Knowing what I know would I do it again? Yes, I would try and have contact with my birth mother and sister even knowing that things would not work out. I made the choice to have contact for myself, not for others. I had questions that I needed answered that only my birth mother could answer.

While no adoptee searches, or goes into a reunion... more