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It has struck me that many birth parents are determined to punish themselves. This comes out in a variety of ways, from the obvious to the deeply psychological.

There are birth parents that appear to be unable to accept that the child to whom they gave birth they also gave a very good life. Some birth parents seem to resent or completely disbelieve in their child’s happiness instead of... more

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After reading so many blogs by birth parents, it seems to me that many birth parents are, like adoptees, letting issues (topics) turn into issues (problems.) Some have shackled themselves to the past emotionally.

I have read accounts by birth parents who feel persecuted for their decision to allow their child to be adopted and I have read self-persecution not well hidden in the lines of their... more

I’m a regular Dear Abby, probably to an annoying level if the truth be told. In my blogs, however, I have tried not to give specific advice in answer to requests for such. I’m just an adoptee. I have very clear ideas on nearly everything under the sun, but I don’t believe that makes me qualified, necessarily, to give ‘answers’ to any of you … until now.

My last bunch of blogs on ‘Issues and Issues’ found me editing out pages and pages of advice, encouragement and/or some part of a wake-up call to one leg or another... more

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I am touched by the compassion many birth parents, adoptive parents and even adoptees themselves have for the pain experienced by some adoptees, as illustrated on the net. I do worry, however, after reading through the many comments made on the blogs, that the fragile line between support and enabling might have been crossed. Giving a person support when they express their hopes, fears, regrets, problems, etc is important and necessary. There is also a point at which, I believe, the nurturing of a person can change to nurturing self-indulgence...... more

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Even though reading the blogs helped me to unravel the puzzle involving ‘topics,’ ‘problems’ and their specificity (or not) to adoptees, there was also a lot there that has made me sad.

I feel sad for my fellow adoptees that can not seem to find piece of mind. I feel sad that they do not appear to realize that while they may not have ‘chosen’ to be adopted or be raised by people of a different race or whatever, these things were/are/will always be parts of their reality, part of who they are. I feel sad that they can’t embrace those... more

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Here is a definition for you:

Obsession n. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion; often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.

I know that when I become obsessed with something, my brain turns into a gaming room. It goes to great lengths to keep pulling the slot machine handle its got in there in an attempt to look at the endless permutations of angles on the topic spinning around on the drums. The game then usually changes from the machines... more

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Without exception, every blog I read was by someone either in the process of searching or who had completed the process, although with less than pleasing results. All of the searchers had to surmount obstacle after obstacle in order to get any information about their birth parents/families. Some of the adopted bloggers, despite their best efforts, were so far unable to locate anyone from their birth family, while others found their birth parent/parents already dead (they found a grave…). Some birth mothers were unwilling to meet. Some birth mothers... more

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I knew to expect mostly negative attitudes towards adoption from adoptees posting on the Internet. I knew there were many injured souls out there using the cyber-ether as an opportunity for catharsis and finding a support network of others with similar experiences and equally funky-fresh-fly pseudonyms. I think writing is a great way to let go of the things that have hurt us, to express feelings that don’t roll off the tongue the way they do off the fingertips. Many of the blogs I read had this element to them… except for the letting go bit. ... more

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As a bit of a leg stretching exercise, as well as because it is about time we do this, let's take a nice, wide, sidestep to our "TOPIC" list. Just to refresh your memory, here it is:

TOPICS 1. Inability to access birth information; 2. Wanting/desire to know one’s life story/ Curiosity about one’s roots/ Wanting to know who and why one exists on the planet; 3. Medical history; 4. Not knowing/growing with biologically connected siblings.

While these topics were not specifically the... more

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As I mentioned in the blog with various facts and tidbits, many studies pointed to parenting styles, family communication levels and atmosphere in families as the major determining factors for both adoptees’ and non-adoptees’ mental health and adjustment. In some of the studies that focused on families with both biological and adopted children, the adoptees were mentioned as those siblings that were the best adjusted, most social and most independent. Some adoptees were reported to ‘find’ their identity quicker than their biologically linked siblings.... more